TW: Saw something shockingly disturbing in casual YouTube video recommended to me; Fighting my porn addiction; Ruminating; POCD, Real Event, VERY DETAILED CONTENT NSFW I suppose I'll just be journaling. I dunno where else to share this and I don't want to boil it up. So.. tonight I've been doing a lot of googling when it comes to my situation with real event OCD. It's about porn videos I've watched in the past. I know I'm not supposed to google to get reassurance but I just needed to see other people struggling with my situation and getting advice from it. I worry that I saw illegal content, I think I used checking on one search that was taboo and I felt really bad to the point where I cried after. After all the googling, I've gotten people say it's uncommon to have a taboo interest because you get a kick out of the feeling of it being unusual or shocking to you I guess. I've discovered that most people get to the taboo point when it comes to excessive porn viewing. For me it was exhibitionism, shemales, MILFs ladyboys, flatulence, family themes, and basically porn twisting my naturally developed fetish. On occasion I've made bizzare taboo search terms and seen taboo videos like "step mother and son" "therapist feet joi" "lil sister feet" "mature mom worship" "oily butts" and "ladyboys" After these incidents I can remember, I just end up feeling really guilty over this for months and days after days. I always question if I'm a good or bad person or not. I feel like these search terms could be illegal, or my POCD is twisting some of them along with my regular OCD. As I've watched porn much less, these porn induced fetishes have decreased significantly. I still get thoughts and fantasies about most of them but I don't act on them and I don't look up videos relating to the topics. I really hate that I got bored of normal natural porn and thought stepping it up was a good idea. I regret that. I'm totally done with porn and I don't want to go back to the addiction I used to have. I feel like as a society, porn destroys us. Honestly it shouldn't even be legal. It focuses so much on targeting younger audience in terms of both actors and viewers such as me and others who have been exposed to it at such a young age. It exploits people in ways that can change the perspective on reality when it comes to men and women. Even if videos have fully provided consent, it still adds onto the demand. I'm trying to practice not feeling bad for the past and being in the present. I'm trying to accept the thoughts because accepting the what ifs is how you beat OCD step by step. It's not about agreeing with the thoughts but more about accepting their presence. But at the end of the day, I quit with porn and masturbating. Most of the advice I've seen on there in a nutshell is to accept the thoughts, quit the viewing habits entirely, and don't beat yourself up about things of this nature in the past. Aside from all of that though, I was watching a video focusing on a video game showcasing a funny montage. Everything was going well and perfectly fine until I saw something really fucking terrifying and disturbing for like a frame of a second. It looked to be a picture of cartoon CP as a "meme" This isn't the first time this has happened and for some reason people in comments think it's now funny to witness CP in that sense. I never understood it. It makes me not know what to believe because I feel like I'm the only person worrying about it. At least I HOPE it wasn't a picture taken from a cartoon CP video but I wouldn't be surprised. This just adds onto my point of how fucked up porn can be. I had my hand over my mouth for a really long time for what I just saw. I guess people without OCD would see these things and just move on. Maybe that's my issue. Judging by how negatively I reacted from that, I feel like it's justified against my POCD proving it isn't true and I'm not what I think. I would never want to hurt a child, and I wouldn't want to hurt anybody for any sort of gratification. I'd much prefer helping people. I don't get off on hurting people and I guess at the time I was able to seperate fantasy from reality. But, I still just feel so wrong about these things. But as I google for support, many other people have gone through these things and felt the guilt and they're trying to get rid of porn entirely just like I am. I don't know if I was doing a checking compulsion searching "lil sis feet" or trying to engage in a taboo off my main fetish but I just hate ruminating over it and I feel awful about it. I'm also not testing myself anymore. I used to do that with softcore porn on instagram admiring adult women, milfs, muscular women, etc. But, it only got me more stuck in the loops of compulsions and eventually I cut it all off. What the positives of these events are something I ask myself a lot: I'm glad I'm disgusting by porn now. I'm glad I'm disgusting by the things I fear and the things I may have seen. I'm glad I'm disgusted and fearful and full panick of the word p*** and I'm glad to see that I can't even dare type the word child and p*** in the same sentence. Seeing anything along these lines is enough to make me very sick.

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

Guys I just wanted to hang up and I was looking at pornography every time I was you know do it and I would get bombarded with thoughts I'd get overwhelmed with them like my mind is just constantly thinking of and it was just so hard infuriating I was looking at like anime pornography and Isaw one of the videos that looks familiar I watched it before but I remember they had like a underage anime character and then I clicked off it as soon as I saw them and my mom said oh you clicked it just so you can see that and what makes it worse is like pretty ejaculation already leaked out so now it feels like I did it i didn't even jerk off to you all I did was see the thumbnail and then I have thoughts like saying oh well might as well already get off to it when it wasnt the content I wanted to see I seen that the thumbnail before in the sight I just ignored it was focusing on the video I wanted to see for now I feel like i have to restart everything not only with the overwhelming thoughts but also my thoughts made it feel like I was actively seeking it like if I want my thought it was like oh you knew it was going to be there but u still click it anyway oh yes I had a feeling but as soon as I saw it I clicked off I don't know I'm just overthinking I guess and also like as soon as I saw it like my mind had a urge like might aswell get off to it finish it very hard I don't even remember how I climaxed I don't even know if I did it right but now I feel like I have to restart

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me