TW: Saw something shockingly disturbing in casual YouTube video recommended to me; Fighting my porn addiction; Ruminating; POCD, Real Event, VERY DETAILED CONTENT NSFW I suppose I'll just be journaling. I dunno where else to share this and I don't want to boil it up. So.. tonight I've been doing a lot of googling when it comes to my situation with real event OCD. It's about porn videos I've watched in the past. I know I'm not supposed to google to get reassurance but I just needed to see other people struggling with my situation and getting advice from it. I worry that I saw illegal content, I think I used checking on one search that was taboo and I felt really bad to the point where I cried after. After all the googling, I've gotten people say it's uncommon to have a taboo interest because you get a kick out of the feeling of it being unusual or shocking to you I guess. I've discovered that most people get to the taboo point when it comes to excessive porn viewing. For me it was exhibitionism, shemales, MILFs ladyboys, flatulence, family themes, and basically porn twisting my naturally developed fetish. On occasion I've made bizzare taboo search terms and seen taboo videos like "step mother and son" "therapist feet joi" "lil sister feet" "mature mom worship" "oily butts" and "ladyboys" After these incidents I can remember, I just end up feeling really guilty over this for months and days after days. I always question if I'm a good or bad person or not. I feel like these search terms could be illegal, or my POCD is twisting some of them along with my regular OCD. As I've watched porn much less, these porn induced fetishes have decreased significantly. I still get thoughts and fantasies about most of them but I don't act on them and I don't look up videos relating to the topics. I really hate that I got bored of normal natural porn and thought stepping it up was a good idea. I regret that. I'm totally done with porn and I don't want to go back to the addiction I used to have. I feel like as a society, porn destroys us. Honestly it shouldn't even be legal. It focuses so much on targeting younger audience in terms of both actors and viewers such as me and others who have been exposed to it at such a young age. It exploits people in ways that can change the perspective on reality when it comes to men and women. Even if videos have fully provided consent, it still adds onto the demand. I'm trying to practice not feeling bad for the past and being in the present. I'm trying to accept the thoughts because accepting the what ifs is how you beat OCD step by step. It's not about agreeing with the thoughts but more about accepting their presence. But at the end of the day, I quit with porn and masturbating. Most of the advice I've seen on there in a nutshell is to accept the thoughts, quit the viewing habits entirely, and don't beat yourself up about things of this nature in the past. Aside from all of that though, I was watching a video focusing on a video game showcasing a funny montage. Everything was going well and perfectly fine until I saw something really fucking terrifying and disturbing for like a frame of a second. It looked to be a picture of cartoon CP as a "meme" This isn't the first time this has happened and for some reason people in comments think it's now funny to witness CP in that sense. I never understood it. It makes me not know what to believe because I feel like I'm the only person worrying about it. At least I HOPE it wasn't a picture taken from a cartoon CP video but I wouldn't be surprised. This just adds onto my point of how fucked up porn can be. I had my hand over my mouth for a really long time for what I just saw. I guess people without OCD would see these things and just move on. Maybe that's my issue. Judging by how negatively I reacted from that, I feel like it's justified against my POCD proving it isn't true and I'm not what I think. I would never want to hurt a child, and I wouldn't want to hurt anybody for any sort of gratification. I'd much prefer helping people. I don't get off on hurting people and I guess at the time I was able to seperate fantasy from reality. But, I still just feel so wrong about these things. But as I google for support, many other people have gone through these things and felt the guilt and they're trying to get rid of porn entirely just like I am. I don't know if I was doing a checking compulsion searching "lil sis feet" or trying to engage in a taboo off my main fetish but I just hate ruminating over it and I feel awful about it. I'm also not testing myself anymore. I used to do that with softcore porn on instagram admiring adult women, milfs, muscular women, etc. But, it only got me more stuck in the loops of compulsions and eventually I cut it all off. What the positives of these events are something I ask myself a lot: I'm glad I'm disgusting by porn now. I'm glad I'm disgusting by the things I fear and the things I may have seen. I'm glad I'm disgusted and fearful and full panick of the word p*** and I'm glad to see that I can't even dare type the word child and p*** in the same sentence. Seeing anything along these lines is enough to make me very sick.

Hello, I've struggled with possible OCD but it didn't involved POCD at first, at first it was basically me denying that I was ever a victim of grooming/pedophilia and how I was the real abuser towards my abusers despite the fact that I was the child, they were the adult, how is that possible??. Then eventually in 2023, I saw a video based on a FNF modder exposing him as a groomer/pedophile, and it was because when he was 17 he allegedly had an interaction with someone who was 15 that was nsfw. Now keep in mind, I was a victim of grooming/pedophilia especially since age 11 and even at 17, however I was also a bit of a promiscuous teen due to years of being groomed and I was having nsfw discussions/heavily sex positive convos with people who were 15/16/17 at 17 and I never considered how that could be inappropriate and my intent wasn't to be predatory but the fact that I was just simply exploring my sexuality, also a lot of the people I was doing this with, we were apart of a discord server that heavily encouraged NSFW convos between Teens and adults and it was made by an adult so bad environment overall made by an actual predator. However it didn't stop me in 2023 thinking that I was a pedophile as a teenager and I was genuinely worried and thought that I was a terrible person and I still do. I only did what I did because I was being hurt and thought it was okay, I never meant to hurt anyone and I at 19 literally convinced myself that I was a pedo in my under 18 teen years because of the age gap between me and my friends {1/2 years} and we had conversations that were sexual based even though I at 19 was dating my BF who was 22/23 at the time, I was 19 having sexual convos with adults, I at 19 had friends that were minors and our conversations were always appropriate and never nsfw or those same friends that I had previous convos with that were nsfw, {they were all either 17/18/19 and I was 19} our conversation topics have switched to more SFW ones unlike the ones we had when we were all minors so how could I be a pedo? and I freaked out about it, I couldn't concentrate in classes at all, it was a genuine nightmare. Eventually I did get better and realized that my behaviors were under duress and how I'm not actually a bad person and how I've changed as an adult and do not wish to harm anyone however I'm back on my cycle of worrying again and I've communicated to the people who I thought I affected and they all express no ill will or any anger and were never uncomfortable, do not think about it or just don't care/simply forgot. But Guilt eats me up like a stray dog. I also sometimes see people on twitter calling 17 year olds dating 15 or 16 year olds pedophiles or calling them "P diddy"

I thought I'd gotten over sexual obsessions, since they haven't been bothering me at all until I had a flare up yesterday. I usually struggle with masturbation due to a combination of both anorgasmia from SSRI medication along with intrusive thoughts, so I thought that an adult film should work fine and went on the hub as per usual. Everything went well until I "finished" and looked at the video title afterwards. My stomach dropped as the title had the word "teen" it in. I felt nauseous and gross because I'd previously struggled and became horrifically suicidal due to the pocd I thought I had under control. Now I know that by the word teen, it means an adult actress that's 18-19 and I'm only 20. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm gross for watching and that it was illegal material, even though I am fully aware that it wasn't, so I've been ruminating over it endlessly. This is more of a vent, but I feel like all the progress I've made with my ocd just went down the drain ☹️

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l