Today was not a good day. I slept through the entire day and woke up very late. I'm having such a terrible time trying to sit through these thoughts. It's so hard to sit with these feelings and all of this guilt but I'm still trying. I've been googling and that made things worse honestly, but it's so hard to stop it all. My OCD went back to latch onto the very first thing that sparked my OCD: All the times I chose to sext with others when I was a minor. I stopped before turning 18 and I've never done it ever again since. I feel like an awful person. My biggest fear when it comes to OCD is being a sexual Deviant and convicted of a sexual crime. I just hate that I've done these things. I can't stay in the present and enjoy myself in the now because of this immense guilt holding me down. I feel like I'm holding back tears and it feels like this won't ever go away, yet I still try. Sometimes I get so hurt and sad that my thoughts sort of leave the current situation and I go back to my thoughts of childhood. Back when things were easier. When I was happier. When everything made sense. I don't know if I'm beating myself up too much or if I deserve this. I have really bad difficulty when it comes to getting over these sexting events and the times I've viewed adult content. These thoughts assume the worst out of these things and I feel like it only rarely gets better. I have trouble with all of this for the simple fact that these things have happened. Right now I don't do any of the things I get scared of thinking about. I don't watch any adult content, I really try to filter out all of it, and I don't masturbate. All of these things just makes me feel like a really terrible person and I stay terrified of my sex life and my sexual feelings. Anything sexual, I don't think I can handle very well so I just try to stay away from it all. But I feel like, especially in the past, my sexual feelings took over my control and what I would and wouldn't do and things just happen. When I was 17 I met this girl on instagram and I thought she was very funny. We ended up talking to each other a lot and we sent memes, funny pictures, funny faces, and I think we talked on the phone one time. We even shared baby pictures. I don't know how we became such good friends or how we even met but we did. But OCD always pinpoints the times we've exchanged pictures of our feet. It constantly brings this up and at the end of it all, I don't remember her age. I feel sick. I feel really disgusted in myself and I feel like I just constantly keep messing up my life in my adolescence. I don't even know if what we did was sexual or not, but I know for a fact that nudes weren't shared. That was the last thing on my mind. I remember that we joked about this kinda stuff too and I think we were both in high school at the time. But I can just never be certain. Then I get anxiety of the thought of the nudes I did send to other girls with an inner voice saying "Now those pictures are going to be online forever. What if your friends see that? Your family? The people you love? What if they know about these things? You'd be disowned into jail" Self compassion is getting harder and harder. I'm really trying to push through this but these feelings make everything so hard. I'm constantly fearing for my life based on these stupid things that I've done in the past that I would never do now. I feel like there isn't any escape. I just don't know what to do. At the very least I'm trying to breathe. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm really sorry.

garden

Date posted: 4y

you ARE being too hard in yourself and you don’t deserve it. and you aren’t who you used to be! plus the person you used to be doesn’t even seem evil... you were just a teenage boy. i probably know like 5 friends exactly like you were. and they aren’t bad people. nor are you. this isn’t how it’s going to be forever. moving forwards can be hard, but i know you’re capable of it. don’t be sorry. i’m always here for you. 💙

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

OCD is just shitty because if I'm not worrying about this entire post then I'll worry about something else that happened or may have happened. I feel like I did something terrible here because I don't know her age even though I was a minor myself I still feel terrible for all of this even though I didn't at the time because I thought I was okay with what I was going with. I didn't worry about it before and never did until OCD came up in the first place. Now I don't remember everything about it and I hate being uncertain

garden

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 the root of ocd is that need to be certain. but you don’t need it to live. maybe try telling yourself ‘maybe { } happened, maybe it didn’t. it’s in the past either way and i’m not in the past, i’m in the present’

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@garden Mindfulness was easy until all this anxiety came up. But I'll try. I was very different when I was 17 compared to now. I don't do any of the things I used to do. If anything, I'm planning to stay far away from all of it.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@garden Myaybe you're right, Garden. Maybe I don't need to answer to it. Maybe I can just live with who I used to be and how different I am from it now. How I improved from it. I guess these fears is what holds me back

garden

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 you say the same words i often write! moving on from the old versions of ourselves is hard. we feel drawn back and scared. but life is all about creation and everyday we create a new version of ourselves. if people didn’t change, this world wouldn’t be the way it is. we’re human and we’re complex. we’re meant to grow and learn and see things in a different way. i’m proud of you and the journey you’ve gone on. i’m sorry it’s been so hard, but i have full faith in you that you’re gonna keep rising! be proud of yourself too. and don’t shame the person you used to be. they enabled this growth. 🌻🌻

Stronger.

Date posted: 4y

The more you do this, let it all out and tell us on here the worse it’ll get I’m afraid. :(

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

I honestly don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm trying my best to change and I feel like I've gotten better, but these thoughts just won't leave me alone... I want to tell someone but like you said, it won't do anything.

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