Very detailed: TW Sexual, POCD, Real Event, scared, Guilt, insane shame I can't sleep. So I might as well write everything that I'm feeling. I was actually really calm the other night. Just as I was getting ready to sleep, I couldn't. Here I am with my mind spinning, my breathing barely in control, and the constant fear that I might be in jail or at the very least accused for some kind of crime one day. I don't know how much my OCD is catastrophizing, distorting, or twisting the thoughts I have on these events and intrusive thoughts All I can say is that ever since I developed sexual feelings and wanted to try and explore them, it's like I became a monster. I became sick. I became selfish and greedy. I feel like I became a Deviant and saw nothing wrong with it while being under so much pressure at the time When I was still in high school, sex was all I cared about and I showed it off. I sent several nudes to different girls in the past, I got nudes back, I did phone sex, and tried nonstop experimenting with a bunch of different people online. Thing is, I never saw anything wrong with these behaviors. The only strong feelings I got was the adrenaline rush when it came to receiving new levels of "communication" with peers that I interacted with. I'm not sure why all of a sudden I feel guilty about all of this now, but I do. These thoughts keep switching back and forth. They'll focus on my past porn addiction, the sexting I've done, the things I acted out from adult content, and how much of a high sex drive I had trying to grow into those times. All I constantly worry about right now is a time where I messaged a girl on instagram at one point. I don't remember how we met. I don't remember her age but at the time I was 17. Only vague intrusive images of the things we talked about, how we talked about those things, and pictures we had shared with each other. None of it was nudes however, which I'm glad it wasn't looking back. It did have to do with feet, which is a body part on the body I generally love, with or without sexual attractions to it. We shared those on occasion, and we seemed alright with it. I don't think she was bothered by it, but I honestly can never be sure anymore. I don't know what my intentions were. I don't know if I ever had a thing for her, I doubt it tbh. I don't even know what made us stop talking. But now I can't even find her after so much searching for some kind of answer. I feel mortified and deeply ashamed of these things. I feel guilt, regret, and shame for the sexual feelings I carry. If it isn't focusing on these events, it's focusing on sexual intrusive thoughts that I don't want. Right now, I would say I'm becoming the person I wish I was years and months ago. I wish I didn't get exposed to any porn. I wish I didn't get hooked on my sexual feelings. And I wish I didn't act on them. I know I was a teenager and all, but still, I just can't get this guilt off my shoulders. I really don't know what to do. I feel like out of the sexting, the flirting, all the porn watching, and basically anyone finding out, that I'd one day be in a lot of irreversible trouble. That one day I'll eventually be abandoned out of love. I'm really trying to get as far away as possible from these things. I don't want anything to do with sexual activities. I despise porn and I don't want to go back to it. I despise sexting, and these unwarranted thoughts and feelings pretty much. I do feel like I'm making progress with everything, and just as I can see that, I'm bombarded by these thoughts and these past events. Constantly reminded of them every single day, hoping that one day I can either find a solution to it all, or to wipe my memory from it all. I just want to say sorry to everyone. Anyone that I may have hurt, disturbed, or bothered out of annoyance pretty much. All I want to do now is help people to the best that I can, get away from my past, hopefully be able to sit with all of this, continue to support others, and myself. I hope everyone else is having a good day and a good week.

Hi. I did post this quite a long time ago and forgot that I did. It's almost going to be a year actually. What is it that you want to talk about exactly? I feel like I got enough out through the post since. Only thing I have to say now is that all of stuff still bothers me quite a bit to this day

@BigGip09 It’s just I’ve done similar things that you put on here, and I was hoping to just talk with someone has done similar things

@IHateMyself I read your post about most of it actually. It mentioned trying to get a lot of people on Tinder and exchanging pictures for the attention seeking. You appear to be the same age as me too. My incidents usually happened when I was 14-17 but I try not to do any of them anymore but it's really hard to think about time and time again. Sure we can talk about it, but I don't plan to exchange any contact information

@BigGip09 No I get it’s fine for privacy matters, but yeah, I’ve just been having a really hard time, it feels impossible to move on, I’ve learned from it and will never use this apps or behave that way again, but I’m just in constant turmoil over them

@IHateMyself Yeah I feel you on that. I try my best to take these mistakes as lessons in order to grow which I feel like I've been doing but it's also something I need to do way more. Most of these problems stem from a crippling addiction to pornography that I've been out of for about 6 months. I've tried many many times to abstain from sexual behaviors in order to reboot my brain, as they say. It has not been easy at all, and I have failed this several times, but I'm still willing to try it and not give up. Everytime I think of my problems or the things I worry about I say to myself "This wouldn't have happened if porn wasn't in my life" and I really do believe that. I can't remember anything that eats me up with guilt when I was 12 or less years old. That or maybe OCD is being selective on things.

@BigGip09 I understand this entirely, I started watching porn when I was 11, I was such a happy person back then, but now I’m terrified of ever hurting anyone, Ik I’ve done some crappy things, most of them when I was young, like a teenager, 11-15, but I can’t help but feel I need to be punished. I’m trying to stay away from porn as well, it’s terrible. I’m so scared that one day I’m going to hurt someone sexually, I’ve never touched anyone inappropriately or even had any sexual relations with someone, but I’m so scared of it, a part of me wants to just hide away and isolate from the world for the rest of my life

@IHateMyself So it seems we're about the same thing. We both know that OCD and porn is a disgusting combination. Mine started at 13. I look myself from years ago and I realize that I was just a kid trying to understand what the opposite gender was like on another level. I was just a kid that wanted to explore how I felt about these new things but couldn't because porn got in the way of so much. The violent imagery and the horrible genres all came pretty early. It's not healthy for young teenagers to be caught up in that. It gives them a false perception of what sex and love really is. It's not at all anything like porn entails. I still struggle with finding that kind of bond with someone, but the main difference between now and years ago is that I'm not looking for it. Not at all. We've all done things we wish we hadn't, and that includes me. ESPECIALLY at the ages I was in high school. It was extremely awkward trying to grow up in those times and I don't like to reminiscence on them. It's one of the main reasons why I didn't like high school. I didn't like who I was. I didn't like how porn changed me and I really don't like how it continued to mess with me even into my late teens. It really does have to go but it's hard. There's some positives to this though. We at least have a community that understands us and helps us. You don't sound like someone who wants to hurt anyone else. You sound like a person who's already been through enough hurt.

@BigGip09 I definitely don’t want to hurt anyone anymore, I’ve just gone through a lot the past year and a half, I’m just trying to move forward from the dumb decisions I’ve made. A part of me low key just wants to live alone, at least not date, it terrifies me. The thought of accidentally or even intentionally hurting somebody, I don’t ever want to do that, I just want to live an easy going life, not to crazy, just enjoy it and live decently. Hopefully I’ll feel safe to date one day and feel secure about it, but for now, definitely not.

@IHateMyself Yeah, pretty much me. We're going through the same exact things and I wish things will get better for you. Sorry that you had to go through all of that but try and use them as things to learn from them. I can't even stand the thought of dating right now. Especially with the way the market works.

@BigGip09 I have learned, I’m petrified of dating rn, I’m just not gonna do it for a while, most definitely focus on me

@IHateMyself That's good. I wish you the best man.

@BigGip09 Thank you, I hope the best for you too, if you ever want to talk, I’m always here