I need to vent. Like I’m so fucking tired of bullshit. So trigger warning: mentions of panic attacks and so on if that triggers you I’m 24 (F). I have OCD. I’ve had almost every subtype ever. I’ve had depression and I was on Prozac in 2018. I came off of it. Compared to how I feel recently I would rather face the worst of my OCD and depression. I fucking hate this. Background on me, I took bupropion for about 8 months. I started it last year because celexa made me gain weight and it killed my sex drive. I was having a bad ocd flare up so I took bupropion. It worked well. I had no complaints. Until I got lazy at taking it. I was on 150 mg XL. I got covid for Christmas. I thought I was recovering and everything was fine. But due to my own ineffectiveness at taking the meds and I guess not recovered all the way from covid, I had a giant panic attack at work at the beginning of February and I’ve known no peace since. I became agoraphobic out of nowhere. I’ve had anxiety all my life but NOTHING like this. I came off the bupropion because we thought it was withdrawals. Took Effexor and I had a horrible reaction. My doctor wanted to treat the anxiety and it just kept getting worse. I had a few panic attacks and then they let up, until this week. I’ve had three panic attacks in the last three days. I feel like I’m in a constant fight or flight all the time. I’m constantly anxious. I’m exhausted all the time. I have brain fog. My head feels like it’s buzzing. My circulation is poor now. My hands and feet are always cold. My BP is super low now since having covid. But my hr can shoot up to high 90s just from sitting! I feel like I can’t breathe. My ears feel stuffed. Dry mouth/I feel like I can’t drink enough water to save my life. Light headed. Highly sensitive to light and sound during panic and after. The depersonalization/dissociation is the worst I’ve EVER had. I feel like I’m going crazy. Am I going to go into psychosis? Of course being in a constant state of anxiety makes my ocd act up so it just convinces me I’m dying or worse. That I’m never going to get better. My ocd wants to act like Sherlock Holmes but it overreacts. It’s not going to solve it. It’s convinced me I’m dying or I’m going to have a seizure or a stroke because it’s not used to this. I don’t know what’s left over from covid or what it is but this is not normal for me. I’ve had panic attacks but never like this. I go to a cardiologist in a week and a half. I am in CBT. I’ve got 10 mg of hydroxyzine and 0.25 mg of klonopin in my cabinet. My psychiatrist wants me to start Zoloft but I’m so scared to take it because of my bad reactions to bupropion and Effexor. I’m so sick of SSRIs. When I was on Prozac and celexa it got me over the hump of depression but it took away so much more. Still anxiety and depression was manageable. This sucks. I cry every day because I’m scared of it and I want my old life back. Everyone wants to throw pills at it and I feel so sick. My dad wants me to just take the klonopin to see what happens but I’ve seen him grow dependent on muscle relaxers for years. I’m so apprehensive to benzos because of family history and now my intolerance to SSRI/SNRIs. I’m thinking about asking for buspar... I don’t know. End of my venting. I’m just sad and I don’t feel like myself. This is the worst part about having ocd with other problems. It tried to be a sleuth but it’s not a very good detective. It just ends up making me feel like shit