I honestly hate my life. No cap, no nothing. I currently have a bunch of themes and I can’t have one day without constantly being scared of everything. My hardest them is pocd, it’s a very dark theme, and I hate it. I get triggers from all of my themes daily and I can’t relax. I’ve been hating myself a lot because I get messed up thoughts that no good person would ever get. I hate it. I’m scared that I may be some monster, and I feel as though I don’t deserve to live a life. I feel like a wasted life. I’ve had big goals in my life and I plan to get to where I want to be, but I can’t. I can’t because I feel like a monster. Also just writing how I am depressed and want to end it all, feels like I am one of those manipulative people who say they are suicidal to get their victims to feel sorry for them. It’s all messed up. I don’t even know if I am a good person or just a monster. I have a therapist who is good, but I’m not getting better. I’ve been trying to practice talking to myself and relaxing. It works, but it’s not the cure. She told me on time that she would get me into a group of people who also go through the same thing, but that never happened. Sometimes I feel like the appointments are inconsistent. One day she tells me we will be doing 2 appointments per week, that turned into 1 per week, to 1 per two week, and it goes in a cycle. I’d prefer if I had a consistent appointment like 1 every 2 weeks. So that I’m not always guessing what’s next and that my therapist can be reliable. I know this sounds like me talking shit, but I just had to put this in. Funny kind of, but eh. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I have a therapist. It’s just that I want to find a more reliable therapist who doesn’t have a whole bunch of other people to work with and forget about what I need to be better. Jesus Christ, I’ve been writing more about my therapist than my ocd. This should’ve be a complaint post about my therapist rather than a post of how depressed I am. But anyways, the short story is that I honestly hate my life. I don’t feel like I should be happy, and I feel like a monster. Plus I don’t like how my therapist is working with me. I am not getting any better. I really don’t like how my therapist is such a pain in the- ok that’s it. I’m sorry for any therapists out there. It’s just that’s she’s such a- alright too far. I gotta be nice. She’s a very good person. Very lovely therapist. 10/10. I need a new therapist. Ok that’s it. (It’s a joke, I like my therapist tbh. Or do I?) (Naw. She’s a really good person honestly. She helps a lot. I just wished she was more reliable with what she promises)