Vent: Haven't done these in a while, so it's good to come back to it I suppose.. Sometimes I feel really alone with my OCD... My only real struggle is real event and already that makes me feel like I have it worse than others suffering. I'm not trying to make this a competition or anything, definitely not. Maybe these feelings of feeling worse than everyone else is also OCD. I don't worry about intrusive thoughts that haven't happened at all as much as the ones that have happened. Everything stems from even I was younger. Everybody tells me that sexting is normal and a variety of all kinds of people do it. Teens do it with other teens and adults do it with other adults. I did it a lot when I was a teen... Ever since the 7th grade, when I were an 11 year old, it's like I had some sort of sexual awakening. I became so obsessed with sex and feet. I even remember these where I acted out on it. I sexted so much online with other girls and they did it back. At the time I thought it felt so good and it gave me a rush doing it and I was experiencing what it would maybe be like to be with someone of the opposite gender sexually. I sometimes did it with people of the same gender due to false feelings and curiosities, but realized I only like girls in sexual ways. I guess the adrenaline rush I would get from doing this is why I kept doing it. But other times, I've had friends that appreciated feet of people as much as I did. I really do love feet in a general sense and an attraction sense. At the time when this all started, I used to have a lot of trouble accepting that, but I'm very comfortable about it now. There were times where I had friends online that felt the same way about this and we shared pictures of our feet for further admirations of our friendship. This was still a time where I wanted to figure out all of these feelings but I just feel like I've done all of this in the worst ways possible. I'm always ashamed of this and I can't help but feel like I should be in jail. That might be really irrational but it's what my OCD tells me.. I managed to stop doing all of this at 17 because I guess I realized this wasn't worth all of the pressure and anxiety. I'm very glad that I stopped and I haven't done it since. Another guilt I have has to do with my addicted to adult content. I've been so hooked on it at a very young age. So many things changed for me at that time. I've watched so much of it, got off on it so many times, came across so many bizzare ways just to get the same fulfillment. This has been engrained in my life and I'm doing the best I can to keep it away. So far I've been 17 days fresh. I'm happy that I'm abstaining from it all because it got to a point where I didn't feel enjoyment out of the content, I worried about being addicted on occasion, and then I cried when I tried to add a taboo towards my fetish. I really didn't like that and the fact that I was addicted. I'm just really glad I'm doing something about it, I guess. I'm just really glad that I can be here, speak my feelings about all of these things. Just let them all out maybe. OCD convinces me of so many things. Like if I saved illegal videos into my computer which I know I didn't. And anything I did have NSFW I deleted everywhere because I felt there was absolutely no point in saving things I would realistically have no use for. That I would harm someone for pleasure, when I would never ever ever want to hurt people. I would only want to help people and just try to make friends. It's even convinced me that arousal is 100% bad. I hate the feeling of it and I hate when it get it and what it does to me. I began to be afraid of looking for content for pleasure and when I did find something that really messed me up and made me very uncomfortable, I would just have a meltdown. I'd report whatever I see concerning, but now I don't search for anything anymore. Right now I don't do any of the things I used to in the past when I was younger and I'm glad I don't, but I still feel like a really awful person anyway. I always feel like I'm bad or that I broke the law or that I shouldn't get a second chance. I dunno. Believing what is and what isn't is almost impossible when it comes to OCD. I'm sorry if anyone was bothered by any of this. Didn't mean to make people feel that way if it occurred.

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!

I'm going to preface this with: I just wanna vent a bit. Maybe show you a piece of my and many others' experiences. I just need feedback, not even reassurance. This is what some of if not most of my days look like. I keep asking if it's just OCD. I've been stuck researching and ruminating, anxious, trying to figure out whether I'm having OCD or going into the territory of sexual deviation. My thoughts involve multiple taboos and also fears of sexual abuse. I just can't tell sometimes, and I'm scared. I keep asking myself whether OCD hasn't changed my morals, why I'm desensitized to the unthinkable, and I feel like I am beyond repair. I've read about everything from arousal nonconcordance, to groinals, to even false attraction - and I'm not sure if it isn't just all cope to deny a real problem. Did I get desensitized when it came to Harm OCD too? Sure. Was I panicking? You bet I was. But it once again feels like OCD has gathered enough evidence to make me anxious again. It all feels too real, like too much. I've been anxious for the past few hours just stuck. Pure O is a living hell - if it still is Pure O. I keep looking into my past, asking myself "Does this increase the risk of me being a pervert?" "I've heard childhood trauma can lead to paraphilia - what if that's happening?" "I was exposed to NSFW at a young age - oh my god, what if I end up being a r*pist?". I question every decision I've made, my reactions and behavior, I look for symptoms to confirm or deny whether I am a sociopathic deviant. I avoid certain situations because I fear getting the intrusive thoughts, experiencing attraction or straight up finding out I'm someone I don't want to be (even though all of that sounds absolutely insane and irrational). Whenever I see a trigger, I immediately start checking if I'm feeling something. I can't even look in the general direction of it because I'm afraid I will feel something. I tend to physically avoid triggers. Sometimes I feel like people around me can sense my OCD and look at me because of it, then stay away from me from sheer disgust. Sometimes I'm afraid of even my own imagination - it's very vivid and detailed which would be a great thing.. if I didn't have OCD to use it against me by giving me mental images of the most disgusting and abhorrent scenes imaginable. I'm afraid of doing art because I feel like I'll lose control and draw something deeply disturbing, or somehow uncover some hidden truth about me in the process. It really sucks. I can't be the only one in this, right?? I can't be the first person on planet earth to have gone through this exact torment? You guys, I just need advice / support. Please, to anyone who's gone through something similar, feel free to share your experiences. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, seriously.