Vent: Haven't done these in a while, so it's good to come back to it I suppose.. Sometimes I feel really alone with my OCD... My only real struggle is real event and already that makes me feel like I have it worse than others suffering. I'm not trying to make this a competition or anything, definitely not. Maybe these feelings of feeling worse than everyone else is also OCD. I don't worry about intrusive thoughts that haven't happened at all as much as the ones that have happened. Everything stems from even I was younger. Everybody tells me that sexting is normal and a variety of all kinds of people do it. Teens do it with other teens and adults do it with other adults. I did it a lot when I was a teen... Ever since the 7th grade, when I were an 11 year old, it's like I had some sort of sexual awakening. I became so obsessed with sex and feet. I even remember these where I acted out on it. I sexted so much online with other girls and they did it back. At the time I thought it felt so good and it gave me a rush doing it and I was experiencing what it would maybe be like to be with someone of the opposite gender sexually. I sometimes did it with people of the same gender due to false feelings and curiosities, but realized I only like girls in sexual ways. I guess the adrenaline rush I would get from doing this is why I kept doing it. But other times, I've had friends that appreciated feet of people as much as I did. I really do love feet in a general sense and an attraction sense. At the time when this all started, I used to have a lot of trouble accepting that, but I'm very comfortable about it now. There were times where I had friends online that felt the same way about this and we shared pictures of our feet for further admirations of our friendship. This was still a time where I wanted to figure out all of these feelings but I just feel like I've done all of this in the worst ways possible. I'm always ashamed of this and I can't help but feel like I should be in jail. That might be really irrational but it's what my OCD tells me.. I managed to stop doing all of this at 17 because I guess I realized this wasn't worth all of the pressure and anxiety. I'm very glad that I stopped and I haven't done it since. Another guilt I have has to do with my addicted to adult content. I've been so hooked on it at a very young age. So many things changed for me at that time. I've watched so much of it, got off on it so many times, came across so many bizzare ways just to get the same fulfillment. This has been engrained in my life and I'm doing the best I can to keep it away. So far I've been 17 days fresh. I'm happy that I'm abstaining from it all because it got to a point where I didn't feel enjoyment out of the content, I worried about being addicted on occasion, and then I cried when I tried to add a taboo towards my fetish. I really didn't like that and the fact that I was addicted. I'm just really glad I'm doing something about it, I guess. I'm just really glad that I can be here, speak my feelings about all of these things. Just let them all out maybe. OCD convinces me of so many things. Like if I saved illegal videos into my computer which I know I didn't. And anything I did have NSFW I deleted everywhere because I felt there was absolutely no point in saving things I would realistically have no use for. That I would harm someone for pleasure, when I would never ever ever want to hurt people. I would only want to help people and just try to make friends. It's even convinced me that arousal is 100% bad. I hate the feeling of it and I hate when it get it and what it does to me. I began to be afraid of looking for content for pleasure and when I did find something that really messed me up and made me very uncomfortable, I would just have a meltdown. I'd report whatever I see concerning, but now I don't search for anything anymore. Right now I don't do any of the things I used to in the past when I was younger and I'm glad I don't, but I still feel like a really awful person anyway. I always feel like I'm bad or that I broke the law or that I shouldn't get a second chance. I dunno. Believing what is and what isn't is almost impossible when it comes to OCD. I'm sorry if anyone was bothered by any of this. Didn't mean to make people feel that way if it occurred.

So I know I've talked about my fear of being hacked/watched without my knowledge and at the same time that same fear has also made me scared that i've said incriminating things or confessed to a crime I didn't commit out loud without realizing and that this person (who probably doesn't even exist) is going to use it against me in the future and ruin my life. To the point where I've covered all my device cameras. Yeah, I know. Incredibly outlandish. Anyways. The past few months it's just been my brain convincing me that my life is over or that it's going to end and not just end, but like I'm going to lose everyone that I love because of said "incriminating things" though I know I haven't done anything wrong. Of course, there's a part of me that realises that this is really unlikely because I'm not that important of a person for someone to lie in wait for decades and decide to ruin my life just because though I don't doubt that there are people like that out there (i really hope they're few and far between). However, there's another part of me that also really believes that this is all true. And sometimes I wonder if I'm going insane. Coupled with what I believe are false memories, the anxiety has been taxing every day. And I find it hard to sit with uncertainty because this worst case scenario terrifies me. I'm scared of being unloved and abandoned and also deathly afraid of being perceived as a bad person. And of course, also scared of being a bad person and my brain is convinced that I must be. Anyways. Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. I wanted to share because I know that OCD or I guess any kind of mental illness (whatever it is I'm suffering from if it isn't OCD) likes to convince us that our fears are too niche and that this worry wouldn't be present if it wasn't real. OCD likes to use that as proof. I've learnt though that there are many people like me on this app, and even though it's still scary, it makes me feel less alone. It can be very tiring and honestly sometimes I ask myself how I'm still here even though it's been a few months and some people on here have experienced episodes like this for years or even decades. I keep hoping I'll wake up one day and it will be like this never happened. If you've taken the time to read this incredibly long waffle session of mine that's more like a drawn-pit diary entry, thank you. And if you feel comfortable with sharing, please do :)

I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again" Love you!!!

So... I few years ago, I did self-harm a few times, and then I got super into spirituality, and about a year ago, I remembered I did self-harm and ever since haven't been able to shake the guilt off... Constantly, every day, my mind would make me feel guilty about it and think about it all day. It's like my brain knew the thought that I could/ have cut myself scared me, so it kept bringing it up. My family had no idea I had ever done this, so my OCD told me I was a liar for not telling them about every day. I was afraid that they wouldn't love me anymore and send me to a mental hospital if I told them. About 2-3 months ago, I had gotten so fed up with having these thoughts every day and confessed to my mom what I had done, and her reaction was great. And I thought I'd never have thoughts about when I did self-harm again because I finally confessed. I was wrong. Even with people telling me that it's okay, I did that, I can't shake the guilt I had around this event, and even more so the fear/guilt around my own thoughts... My therapist and I talk about how the problem isn't the thoughts but what the OCD does to them. I try to create positive neural pathways, but that just makes me more stressed about it. There are things I'm supposed to tell myself when I feel negative, but I think I get that confused and tell myself those things every time I have thoughts about what I did. Which is feeding into a mental compulsion (replacing every "bad" thought with a "good" one. What works for me is (if I can) do nothing and have the thoughts... It's been hard to get better because I have had no idea what's been happening to me and felt like for the last year I was going crazy... I always thought OCD was cleaning stuff and physical compulsions . Everything that happened to me happened in my head. On the worst days when my OCD is really bad, every single time I was conscious and aware, I was thinking about the fact that I did self-harm. I would lie in bed all day trying to figure out my thoughts because I thought if I watched TV, I would be avoiding important things. I thought I had to figure out all my thoughts. I would ruminate, replay, and second-guess all. day. long. It was hard to do any of the things I loved; OCD took the joy out of it. It was hard to recognize it was OCD because I thought I had done something seriously bad and wrong, and that I must deserve these thoughts. I think the trick is that you feel like you must have positive thoughts, and the most distressing thing wasn't necessarily the fact that I did self-harm, but the fact that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I find the best thing you can do is just have all your thoughts in your head and try not to separate them from good and bad, if you can. It's nice to have people who understand!!!! More to come, about the journey. My favorite thing to say when I'm stuck is "that sly devil... OCD. Silly OCD is getting to me right now, but it won't last forever. That sneaky guy tricked me again." Love you!!!