These last few days I've been having panic attacks related to POCD symptoms and suddenly I keep feeling the urge to look at kids. It freaks me out and makes me sick to my stomach and so upset because I got rid of that urge for quite awhile and now I feel back at step one.

Yeah usually I'm good about not reaching to it but lately things have been triggering me and getting the best of me. Haven't been feeling as good at passively ignoring it as before.

It socks. Every time I think it's behind me and I'm getting stable, my brain is like "BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS?"

@PRYM Sucks*

Thank you!

No I'm honestly terrified of driving. Never got my license. It's because drivers where I live drive like psychopaths, and I've been almost hit so many times skating, on a bicycle, and walking it's honestly made me terrified of being around other cars for too long.

Yeah I have, she tells me the strong panic and anxious response I have to it shows it's not my real desires. She's told me like a million times I'm not a pedophile but I always find some way to reconvince myself that I finally found the one bit of evidence that will make her change her mind and she never does lol. I know I'm being irrational it just feels so real.

Yeah I'm in therapy. She has some understanding of OCD but it seems more of a general. Most of the ERP I've been doing on my own with fairly good success. Though she does give me some exercises that help at least with the anxiety response to it. But I don't always have the mental energy to go through with it all. She's really caring, doesn't think I'm a pedo or anything like that she just seems to mostly do CBT but she wants to try hypnosis on me soon once she gets her covid vaccine. I would try the NOCD thearpists but they don't take my insurance yet.

I'm a little confused by this one. Isn't part of erp to expose yourself to the thing you are afraid of...like the children? This is different because this persons OCD is telling them to look at kids....

@jayjay93 Well usually I find if I give in and look the unwanted feelings usually go away. But it's hard sometimes to do what is literally giving me a panic attack. Usually when these thoughts come up I'll go okay brain I'll notice them, I look at them, then continue on with my day. But some days where I really am having a hard time convincing myself the thoughts aren't genuine I find myself resisting the urge which makes it stay around longer.

@jayjay93 The thoughts I get I have to not engage in or they get worse because my anxiety wants me to pick them apart. The urges my fear response wants me to avoid and not engage. I think that's what the confusion is. ERP looks a little different for those two.

No I don't but I'll check it out! I've been listening to a lot of podcast that OCD specialists do. Like the OCD stories on YouTube and a few other mental health specialists that talk about it.

No I haven't, I'll have to give it a look though! I've been finding out more about these resources recently.

Yeah a lot of the guests they have explain stuff so well. I mean there's some good articles on POCD and OCD in general but they're a bit simple and don't go into a lot of detail like these podcasts do.

Yeah I haven't been officially diagnosed. I just know my therapist is very certain I'm not a pedo regardless of what I tell her and these thoughts will take up hours of my day with me obsessing over it, very sticky thoughts and I have quite a few compulsions I'll do to sooth myself so I just reason I probably have POCD or something pretty dang close to it. And the ERP I've tried on my own does make a difference I just don't have the energy for it always because I deal with a lot of physical health issues as well.

Yeah it is pretty miserable. I seem to go between real event and pocd. They kinda feed off each other. But I'm definitely getting better. I just have days like this were the thoughts get the upper hand and I fall apart and get worse. It's super draining.

It's such a vicious combo because it's super easy to convince yourself you deserve endless torment.

Cool! I'm watching it rn :)

Alright! Had a session with my therapist. Went pretty well and we made some plans for what's going to happen to manage my paranoia and anxiety more long term. Had something trigger me today but I don't feel like I'm falling apart at least.

Yeah! She wants to try doing some hypnosis sessions on me. She's hopeful I might get some relief since I tend to disassociate during major panic attacks so she thinks hypnosis could work since it's a controlled disassociation basically. I've read mixed things about it with OCD like symptoms, some say it can really help others say it's a waste of time but I'm willing to give it a try since I'm super comfortable with this therapist and she's been super supportive of me and pretty so why not.

Thanks! :) and thanks for checking up on me again. Means a lot.