My confessions - please reply - so last year when I was 17 i guess I accedently gone tona child porn website. After seeing it for sometime and realizing it is illegal and bad thing I came suddenly out it. After some time I remember I masturbated to what I saw. I don't know why I did that. Maybe because of my hypersexuality or maybe because of when I was a kid I always search for girls my age. So maybe it was curiosity. I never remember enjoying what i saw. From that day I got into immense guilt and depression. That is when I remembered a childhood experimentation I did when I was a kid myself. I developed real Event OCD. It lasted for two months. After some time I somehow got recovered from it. After that I was at church. There was a girl who was around 13 standing in the church. She was wearing a tight pants. I suddenly looked at her bottom and that is when I asked myself the question did I looked the girl at the same way I look at a adult? Am I attracted to her? I suddenly remembered some events similar to this happened in the past but I never felt sexuak arousal for kids and I never fantasized sexually about a kid in my life. I masturbated to adult porn all my life.but I am really worried. If I am capable of being aroused of a child porn, does that mean I am capable of harming a child is what the thought that is hearing in my head. When ever I see a kid I just ask myself weather am I attracted to her. I am suffering from immense anxiety and guilt. I had dreams like starting my own family one day and having kids . Now I feel like I should just keep it as a dream.when I see a petite women who is my age I suddenly feel like if I am attracted to her that means I am attracted to a kid because they both are having exactly the same body and thoughts like this makes me feel immense guilt m.i forgot how much happy my life was before I get this thoughs. I am not looking for sympathy. I know a monster like me do not deserve any sympathy. If some one who is suffered from child Abuse sees this, I am sorry. I know I am not deserve to be forgiven for what I did. But I promise it was out of accident and curiosity. I feel like only dying would make this pain go. I no longer feel like me.i am not rich enough to afford a theraphy and I would appreciate if anyone reading this could give me any advice . Thankyou