I had a thought today and it's making me spiral...it was .."what if my compulsions aren't actually compulsions and I'm willingly thinking of the thoughts and feelings but just using it as an excuse to deny my orientation?" I don't know what to do it's driving me crazy. Can someone please help

Thank you kylee, this is very helpful

@Justmesadly No problem. How are you feeling today?

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I was feeling very numb which I was excited about to finally not be anxious after 4 bad days but I got triggered from a couple post so I just had a small panic attack

@Justmesadly Understandable. Try to really hone in on those response and prevention strategies after an exposure like that. If you need a friend or want to talk, I'll be here. :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you!

Thank you so much for this!

@Lleonesss Sure thing! How are you doing now? Are you stopping the spiraling with response and prevention? Can I help in anyway?

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I'm spiraling today 😢

@Jbm421 Hey, how can I help?

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Idk. My thoughts don't make any sense anymore. I've been doing ERP with my therapist (pictures, loop tapes) and it does help but my mind always goes back to, and stresses over loss of attraction to females (of course it's not totally that as a scantily clad woman is enough to negate that but I know that's not how this works) and my mind will travel to the past and pick apart the looks and traits of any female I ever been with and now does the really fucked up thing of bringing up old ladies and I don't want to think of that but my mind says "oh, its because your gay or gonna turn gay". Its exhausting.

@Jbm421 Hey that's alright. Loss of attraction is very common. False attraction is also common. Your best bet is to be okay with that uncertainty and try to find some inner peace. The thing that must stop is rumination. Your goal is to stop finding an answer and being okay with not knowing. But in a nut shell, I feel for you and the situation, and I want you to know that you're never alone!

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I did some compulsions but I have to stop that...it would be great if I could talk to you about a few things

@Lleonesss Sure, how can I help? :)

I feel this way too!

Thats a good question

That’s such a good thought

Because not knowing something so personal eats at me

This is triggering because for me it doesn’t say what if... and I have seen lots of people say for them it doesn’t either

@Justmesadly In the post you said what if.

@charissepisces2021 What ? This isn’t my post?

@Justmesadly Oh. Nvm

Hey, good question! I'm actually in the middle of writing a theory on pure-o types and issues such as this. Sadly, this is a very misunderstood and misdiagnosed disorder - not much is known about pure-o. Without getting into too much detail, there is a ton of variance among sufferers with OCD. Some have only one theme their whole life and manage it with ERP treatment (they become so good at their ERP that their triggers are almost nonexistent!). If you could get to that point, that would be incredible. That is what I work so hard on accomplishing both personally and with others! Secondly, some people with OCD experience many themes over an extended time. I, myself, have had terrible themes since I was a young girl. Both forms of OCD are valid and common. Your SOOCD will not just dissipate. The reason you are seeking help is to manage it to where it is virtually gone. However, it can and will come back! These are called back door spikes. Your biggest goal is to continually do ERP to prevent these attacks. It is a cycle and can resurface at any time in your life. So even if you think you are "cured," don't make the mistake of quitting the ERP. It is a disorder, not a singular issue. You must rewire and retain your brain as much as possible so that you are ready whenever a spike or trigger comes up. Not all is doom and gloom though :) if you keep up with your ERP, the OCD can become so minimal you will not notice it in your life. But if you backslide and stop the ERP, you risk giving the OCD a way to resurface.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you so much for this... really... thanks a lot for your help 💞

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. That scares me although it doesn't surprise me. I been dealing with SOOCD for 11 years on and off with various degrees of intensity (I've also had ROCD which is where my being so critical of a woman's looks comes in but I will doubt that too because of HOCD). ERP is tough as it is although I'm assuming you mean not just doing exercises but having the thoughts themselves being exposure and attempting to not react to them emotionally. The thought of doing that over a lifetime (especially for HOCD) seems horrifying and exhausting especially for me. 😢

@Jbm421 Hey :) sorry if my post came off as depressing. It was actually meant to do the opposite! Living with these subtypes means that you can manage them and have a full life. It's like any other disorder - treatment is necessary. If you have acid reflux, for example, you may have to take omeprazole or an inhibitor drug to regulate your stomach fluids. If you have knee problems, you have to know your limitations and what exercises you can do. It is the same with OCD. You can and will live a full life so long as you take care of yourself and grant yourself the necessary exposures and prevention. Though they are likely to come back, you will most definitely be prepared for them and can manage them with much more ease. I am living proof of being able to properly manage the symptoms (and I've had tons of subtypes!!!) You're never alone. Having support through platforms such as this app is also a blessing because you can find like minded people. A lot of times, we focus on the negatives of OCD, but in reality, it is an anxiety disorder at its core. It is manageable and not a death sentence (though sometimes it can feel that way, I understand).

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Sorry. I always focus on the negative. In fact I'm at the point where I'm really doubting OCD almost completely and its distressing probably due to my lack of sleep and being too vulnerable to suggestibility. I'm barely functional actually.

@Jbm421 No need to apologize! Are you in therapy? Do you have a support group?

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I'm in NOCD but I'm done with the hour long sessions, now I'm on the half hour once a week sessions. It's my second time doing it. I had to discontinue the last time due to a financial issue. But I've seem to have gotten worse. I've been doing the ERP told to me to do and I have gotten use to those for the most part but the thoughts have intensified and are more convincing. Then I wonder if I was using the ERP as a checking compulsion. Like I said my lack of sleep has made me worse lately and I'm stuck in bed most mornings. No support groups