Maybe it's my impatience. I do ERP (pictures, loop tapes etc.) and I've sat with anxiety and it got easier to do. But my thinking outside of ERP gets worse by the second. Right now my mind is in overdrive to convince me. And the loss of attraction shit (including focusing on old women) has made it worse. I am completely doubting HOCD. I am hopeless, depressed and utterly traumatized. I dont think I have anything left.

adaptocd

Date posted: 4y

Hi there, I hear you, I see you, and I feel you. This disorder is a challenge, but feeling as if you cannot tolerate the distress it brings you is a symptom of the OCD cycle itself. I know how exhausting and insufferable it can, and how it makes you feel exhausted by your own self. It’s normal for ERP to cause “back door” spikes or for your anxiety to increase (temporarily) while undergoing ERP, it doesn’t mean you aren’t recovering. Recovery isn’t a linear or easy process. It helps to have expectations that include occasional set backs and discomfort. I know this is also exhausting to hear because instant relief and the need to feel safe feels so urgent and mandatory. I recommend practicing mindfulness during the time outside of your ERP. When my OCD was peaking outside of treatment, I would tell myself to save the distress for my therapy session because that’s where it belongs (doesn’t make the thoughts stop, just places a mental pause on responding to them). Then I would practice mindfulness techniques (narrating what you like in the room, engage with your five senses, and affirm what you’re doing). This sort of technique used to seem like bs to me, but then I learned I had to practice it a few times before achieving the effect. I’ve also begun taking an SSRI, which has been a useful tool and a source of relief. I never wanted to take medication, but I’ve had a positive experience on it. I’ve lived with OCD for 20+ years. I know the impatience, frustration, depression, exhaustion, and despair. Somehow though, it’s always become better in time. The conditon is chronic, but it is manageable to where you can live your life in co-existence of it. Knowing that I can and have done that is what helps me continue recovering, and you will too.

Jbm421

Date posted: 4y

😢

nicoleslaw

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 4y

This was so beautiful to read. Thank you!

Jbm421

Date posted: 4y

Wow. 11 years for me. And its found ways of getting worse each time. 😢

adaptocd

Date posted: 4y

@Jbm421 Leaving it untreated is the main reason it’s continued to progress for me. Neural pathways are formed from the cognitive process of OCD, but pathways can be reversed (on average 21 days). Cognitive behavioral therapy has proven to be able to help change brain structure in the same way medication can when executed correctly. This is a medical condition. The unfortunate symptoms offset from the condition is devastating, but it’s important to keep perspective of what you’re dealing with. It helps to keep your response objective to the OCD, because it thrives on your emotional response to it.

Jbm421

Date posted: 4y

@plathocd I haven't sought treatment until this past year and I saw some improvement but I had discontinued my treatment temporarily (money reasons) and I started again as the thoughts exacerbated. At times I don't think I'm even doing ERP correctly, and I worry if I've made it worse as a result. And my mind fixates on one thing to really mess with me (like focusing old women as way to trigger HOCD and loss of attraction which is kicking my ass right now). I only have to see and old woman, or sometimes a woman in general as the loss of attraction will latch onto any lady, for me to be triggered. Same thing if someone even mentions love, relationships or wives. I'm a mess and it's very difficult almost impossible seeming to pull myself out of this and I can only fear the worst of "it's not HOCD, it's all true." I'm lost in a storm...

adaptocd

Date posted: 4y

@Jbm421 I understand. If the disorder could be undone by logic, it wouldn’t be a disorder to begin with. Doubting treatment or the effectiveness of it is a common symptom of OCD- been called the “doubting disease.” It’s still possible to make improvements without practicing ERP, but it is regarded as the best treatment for it. If you feel like you may not be doing ERP correctly, I would recommend stopping it. What’s safe for you to do now is work on managing the general anxiety that’s offset by your OCD itself. This can help in terms of your response to the OCD, and has on occasion helped pull me out of an OCD cycle with time. I’d also recommend looking into medication if you’re able to. I was uninsured earlier this year when I went to my general physician for a prescription for Prozac, and they prescribed me the generic form for cost effectiveness. If not, I would still recommend uptaking a daily routine, exercise, and meditation (I know, this is the same list of crap that everyone says to do, but there is a reason for it- it can be of help). I also journal daily, and began doing so before I began therapy. It helps me recognize the subtle improvements I make overtime and offers me a safe space to verbalize what I’m feeling (or recognize what worsens my spike each day).

Jbm421

Date posted: 4y

@plathocd It just feels insurmountable most days now. I've had other periods like this where it got so bad and hopeless but I always managed to pull myself up. But it feels worse than ever. I'm sorry I'm just venting and bitching and this point.

Jbm421

Date posted: 4y

@plathocd You're an angel btw. Thank you!

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