I can’t quite figure out how to explain it but before my ocd really showed itself, I had so many doubts about the relationship I was in but would cry at the thought of losing him. I felt so disconnected from him at times. I felt like there were things I didn’t like about him and that probably meant that we shouldn’t be together but I ALWAYS got upset with myself for feeling like I didn’t want him because I really thought I did at the same time? I felt SO disconnected. A few months before then, I had been sexually assaulted and thought maybe subconsciously, my mental health started declining from that which then led to relationship anxiety and then relationship ocd and then sexual orientation ocd. Idk because I’ve always just thought i had ocd but thinking now there’s more to it than that? Has anyone else experienced insanely cloudy thoughts/mind fog/disconnection of thoughts and feelings as opposed to intrusive thoughts? I’m sorry I can’t explain it well :/

I should clarify that these were not just thoughts at the beginning, I truly felt disconnected from him at times and was often embarrassed of him because of my own insecurities about what people thought of me. Just curious if anyone relates. Finding a hard time talking about this with supportive loved ones

Hello :) this is very common in our OCD family of symptoms. Cloudiness, uncertainty, disconnect and overall feeling of emptiness and apathy can be a super common byproduct of the obsessive behavior. If you think about it: If you are obsessing over something, it will eventually become annoying/boring/numb and grey. It is kind of like eating your favorite food every day for a year. Again, it doesn't mean you still wouldn't like your favorite food, it just means that since you're so hyperfocused on the food, you begin to criticize everything about it. Let's take spaghetti, for instance. Maybe you love spaghetti sauce but hate tomatoes. That's perfectly acceptable, right? But if you keep focusing on the fact that spaghetti sauce is made from tomatoes, then sooner or later you end up feeling like you hate the sauce, too. OCD is the same way. Let's say you may sometimes feel disconnected from your partner. No big deal, everyone who is entering out of the puppy love stage will tell you the same thing. But with OCD, you become fixated on that disconnect. The disconnect becomes the obsession and it begins to feel "real" all the time. It is a difficult thing to realize and I'm unsure if my analogies help at all, but what you describe makes perfect sense to a lot us. You're never alone :)