Hello my name is Caeleb and I came across your account on Instagram and I feel like you can be really helpful. I first came across what I believe to be OCD when I had my first serious relationship around a year ago. Everything seemed to be going great for around 6 months until the random thought of my not loving her came across my mind. Normally thoughts like this would usually just come and go (never to do with OCD or anything), this time it was different though. Instantly thoughts kept racing to me and my anxiety levels began to go crazy. Even though she was amazing looking at her made me feel sick to my stomach and full of guilt for feeling like this. I eventually told her I was feeling this way and she definitely didn’t take the idea of me potentially “not loving her anymore” well. At the time I had no idea it was OCD and whenever I was away from her I felt I needed to see her and just hold her to reassure myself. Eventually once she moved into college these feelings made me begin to abuse alcohol to cope and I ended up cheating on her and feeling immediate guilt and regret. I told her and that split things off for sure. It was rough and I missed her for months and couldn’t wrap my head around the fact she was no longer in my life. From that point on I continued abusing alcohol and marijuana at times to deal with that void that I lost. My college roommate and the rest of my friends hung out with females all the time and I hooked up with one girl right once I got to college. We continued to have sex around eight more times or so. Several other girls I also hooked up with but not as far as intercourse as well. I’m not exactly sure how the HOCD thoughts began but I remember having this one thought while i was in the shower and my roommate was on the one on the other side of me and I had the thought of him naked or being able to have sexual intercourse with him if I wanted to. This really freaked me out and I laid in bed for a whole two days straight afterwards and anything gay scared me. I felt like I was losing my identity that I’ve known my whole life. I was so hesitant of looking up how to know if your gay because I was so terrified it was going to point in that direction and I still struggle with having to know certainty. Eventually I came across HOCD and it gave me relief for a day or so. Then all the intrusive thoughts continued and I wasn’t able to depict what was real from what wasn’t. I spend a lot of my time searching the web constantly looking for reassurance and watching straight pornography to show I can still get it up if you know what I mean. This gives me closure for brief periods of time but in the end I still am deep in my thoughts. At times they will begin to get better and I’ll sort of feel relief only to worsen again. Last night was the worst experience of all that I’ve had. I went to a buddy of mines house along with my other friend and his girlfriend. I was planning on only drinking but I ended up indulging in marijuana as well which was very potent considering it was straight oil. My friend who’s house it was has always been a close friend of mine and I’ve never thought of him in a sexual way and couldn’t have seen myself ever thinking of him in a sexual way. For a male he is far below the average male with his poor grooming, very under the average height of a male and also in poor shape. At times he can seem very fruity and since he was very intoxicated this was for sure one of these times. Me sitting on his bed very under the influence of marijuana was a little anxious from the marijuana in general but it was nothing out of the ordinary. I always start off a little anxious and get better from there. My friend jumped onto the bed and put both his arms around me and was holding the phone up like he was going to take a selfie with me even though he was actually secreting taking a picture of my other friend. The whole mannerism of it all seemed rather gay and made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and my anxiety began to rise. While this was happening I questioned to myself I maybe I potentially liked it and maybe I was just in denial all along. My heart started racing faster than it ever has and I went into a complete panic attack. I was unable to think properly, remember my last train of thought, or realize what was reality and what wasn’t. All these gay thoughts about him began coming to my mind and they wouldn’t stop no matter how much I tried. Eventually my other two friends left so then it was just me and my other friend who had triggered these feelings. All these thoughts continued to persist with me asking myself whether or not I liked it, I felt sick to my stomach and began feeling nauseous. I felt uncomfortable being around him and had to leave unexpectedly. I had to just be by myself and sit in my car and try not to continue freaking out since it felt like i was going to have a heart attack. I sat in my car for like 15 minutes since I felt I was in no condition to drive and then continued to drive home still freaking out and paranoid about cops following me. I ended up laying in my bed freaking out about this whole thing and even felt tingling sensation throughout my whole body including my genitalia area along with my butt. I kept checking to see if I was forming an erection which I wasn’t, it was just tingling. I can’t get the idea out of my head that something about that moment had a significant feeling to me even though I’m almost positive that I don’t think it did. I spent all of today since 8 am up until 8 pm looking for reassurance, looking at coming out stories, gay people and their experiences, symptoms of denial, and constantly going back and forth between whether or not this may be in denial or HOCD. That experience is almost like a trauma to me and it’s hard to not think about it without my whole body beginning to go numb and my thoughts racing along with this massive headache I’ve had all day. I checked gay pornography several times throughout the day to see if it would have a reaction on me and it did absolutely nothing other than produce anxiety. All of this has been putting way more stress on myself than I can handle and making me socially isolate myself which I have been doing for months now and it sucks because I miss the connections I’ve had with my friends and family but they wouldn’t understand and even if they did it still feels very shameful because I could never even have ever pictured myself as a homosexual. I constantly reminisce about that one ex girlfriend I had an the amazing times we’ve had together with the hope that one day I can go back to being that person I once was. Someone who was a very popular kid in school who cared deeply about females and sexual behavior with only them. I want to start going to CBT therapy although it is very expensive, and I’m sure my insurance may cover it although it may not. The thing about the insurance part of it is that means i have to inform my grandparents about my mental health and the last thing they need right now is to worry about me and my problems. I’m willing to do anything it takes to feel the way I once did before I felt like I was going insane in my mind and sometimes even felt disassociated. I was hoping you might have some advice for me about that and your experiences with it along with if you think this may be a situation of denial or OCD. It seems too hard to distinguish the two at times.