TW God doesn't like me.....I haven't been able to sleep for 2 months because of something that happened......can't change it.....Its like God or the devil lined that day up for something bad to happen.....SMFH!!!! Some here would even judge me....I talked about it and somebody did judge me.....and they didn't even fully understand it...but its true... there does need to be judgement I assume.......God COMPLETELY lined that day up for me to have a severe intrusive thought in the heat of the moment.....

Does anyone else feel like they think these horrible things on there own or on purpose. I feel like I'm intentionally trying to hurt god and the holy Spirit now and idk what to do. I feel like I'm becoming my worst fear. Idk what to do I feel like I'm losing touch with myself and idk what to do. And I'm really worried God is going to turn his face from me or I'm going to do something I am going to regret. I'm not really sure whats happening to me, but I'm scared I'm going crazy.

How should I cope. I keep getting bad thoughts about the holy Spirit and I feel so bad and guilty all the time. But I definitely do not want to act on them or even mention them. Ik God loves me, but my mind keeps painting a bad picture of him. I also when I try to be concerned about my bad thoughts, my mind will retaliate and say, how can u be scared of hurting someone u don't believe in. And it is really freaking me out... It's like I'm trying to degrade God or the holy Spirit for no reason. And I think I'm hurting there feelings and I feel hopeless and depressed all the time. And I'm just worried God is angry with me or he sees me as fit for punishment or something.

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh