NSFW Is it wrong to have more of a responsive desire? I love the idea of intimacy with my boyfriend and I love fantasizing about him but when it comes down to actually being in front of each other I get so shy and feel so awkward. Which means he usually always has to initiate, but once it starts it feels great and I love how close we are to each other. However I struggle a lot to do things on my own such as caressing him, kissing anything that’s not his mouth, and just being able to pleasure him in general. Even when he’s pleasuring me I feel like I’m under a spotlight and just very awkward and insecure. It makes me feel terrible because I know he feels like I don’t want him and I know I shouldn’t be insecure because he always reassures me and makes me feel comfortable but it’s just so out of my element. He’s the first person I’ve been intimate with and so I honestly have no clue what I’m doing and I don’t go outside my comfort zone because I get scared of doing something wrong. What makes it worse is that for so long I thought it was normal for the guy to do all the work and it’s not. We’ve been dating for over a year and I feel like our intimacy should be better by now but obviously not if I felt this way and couldn’t put it into words. My anxiety from ocd and overthinking doesn’t help either. He left 5 months ago to the military and I didn’t know how to place this feeling into words until after he left and so I feel stuck. I hate this because my so-ocd tries to attack this aspect of my life to convince me I don’t actually enjoy intimacy with my partner, and that the reason I’m so hesitant is because my “true nature” is to be with a girl. I don’t want to be with a girl, I only want to grow a strong physical bond with my partner and him only. In those few moments where I can let go of my worries I feel so close to him and I love it, but I’m scared it’s only because he gives me pleasure and not because I’m attracted to him. Is this normal when you’re first starting out? :(

Justmesadly

Date posted: 4y

I was just in my first relationship too. And first guy to be intimate with. I don’t know if it helps bc I also have hocd but I was the same way.I never had issues initiating kissing/making out really. But It took a year for me to finally start initiating in the bedroom and even then I had the same anxiety and fears as you’re explaining

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

Yeah I don’t have a problem intitiating kissing or making out, but anything outside that is difficult for me because I’ve never done it before. It’s good to know I’m not alone 😢

Justmesadly

Date posted: 4y

@Pinklotus No i think it’s so scary; I’m so embarrassed to make a mistake or do something wrong. Luckily I got to the point were I could laugh if I did something wrong but it takes a lot bc id laugh in the moment but then an hour or 2 after start ruminating and flipping out about it

PinkLotus

Date posted: 4y

@Justmesadly I feel the exact same way!!! I also sometimes compare myself to people he’s been with in the past and so I put pressure on myself to do “good” but afterward like right now I ruminate on it

Justmesadly

Date posted: 4y

@Pinklotus Yep! Exactly!

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