TW I don't know how God could use me....I mean God probably didn't know I was gonna be a dipshit and do something stupid.......its unfathomable to me if he did know and it was part of my plan for life :( .......I can't get thoughts out of my head...an image.....no peace....no joy.....Life is hard to live with if you have no peace.....God please help me.

The funny thing is I should probably be saying this to you....you guys would laugh if you knew how old I was.......my brain has fallen apart a lot this year....yeah, I know it says he loves me.....a lot of bad things have happened to me...but it is actually worse if you've done something weird/bad...the guilt is terrible....I am not sure how much OCD is blowing this up..I am sure a little but my cat acts different toward me....its terrible.....just something that happened in 2-3 seconds........I probably need to shut up....U will probably make someone else feel suicidal.....all it tskes is a couple minutes of being impulsive/compulsive---not thinking straight to change your whole world......its crazy.....I FELT I HAD TO CHECK....it was OCD lying to me!!!!.....sorry if I am stressing you out...

@Anonymous I meant I will probably make someone feel suicidal.

@Anonymous Can you let me know what it was that you had to check?

I don't understand about the re-assurance thing.....I asked for re-assurance about 10 years ago about a thing and it got me through about 10 years until this happened.....I was majorly stressed out about what happened 10 years ago too.......I am glad I got re-assurance from a counselor to be honest.....It put my mind at ease........I worked on my nutrition a lot and got a good amount better 7ntil this horrible year.

I think I talked to before...I am the one that was kind of crazy last night....I think Morpheus understands me......I don't know know how to explain it....I tslked a lot about it on here...but some days tslking about it I feel like "its not safe for work"......I just feel like the devil got me one day.......Its hard to explain......my intent was not to hurt the cat!

@Anonymous I know some of it but id like to know more, that could help me to help you better

@anthonys Are you over 18?...I have to ask.....this doesn't involve a kid or anything.. it's just a personal rule of mine.

@Anonymous Yeah I am

@anthonys serious?..ok I hope you are being honest because I don't want to get into trouble. My OCD has gotten horrible through this pandemic right? I was broke down arguing with my dad ...I have pet OCD and the cat was on my lap.....(I always had a coat and a flannel shirt between me and the cat)....My dad was pissing me off because he was running me down and I had a rage thought and pushed up like 2 inches...not very far with the cat on my lap (with a coat and flannel shirt)...which probably wasn't that bad but I felt something on my groin and felt HORRIBLE about it.......I was so ashamed I did that... Then I remember just feeling this stuff on my groin and for some reason I had to make sure that the cat couldn't feel my groin (with a coat and flannel shirt between me and the cat) I checked a few times and it wasn't good enough....it didn't feel right....

@Anonymous there is a little more to it........I never had that rumination and obsession where I had to keep checking.......and yes there is a little more to it...The first 3 times I checked I don't the cat felt anything.....I wasn't trying to make the cat feel something...I wanted to make sure I didn't feel anything........this is sticky/messy......I hope you are over 18 and being honest.....this is more open than most people on here even talk about but I can't take it...I need peace.....maybe I really am crazy.......

@Anonymous This doesn't sound like a major thing imo. Like I can't say you definitely did something wrong here. Sounds somewhat like the cat touched your thing and then you got an erection from it. That's probably a biological reaction to stimulation. Also, what exactly did you check? And what kind of cat is it? I have two cats and they sometimes make me happy

@Anonymous I wasn't trying to hurt the cat....serious.....

@Anonymous I'm 20. I had a pretty bad issue tonight, not OCD related but fear. I take medications and I suffer. I can see that you are having a hard time, I see some of myself in you

@Anonymous What exactly did you check? Please make an attempt to share that with me? Would you like me to share a part(s) of something I've done that I'm ashamed of if that'll help you feel better?

@Anonymous it was some crazy check thing...SERIOUS

@anthonys I am a lot older than you and I guess I am a bit of a dipshit........What medication are you on?.... I am on Perphenazine and a month before this happened I was begging the psychiatrist to put me back on clomipramine.

@anthonys My checking was pushing up when the cat was on my lap....even though I had a coat and flannel shirt.

@Anonymous I hope I am not making you mad.

@anthonys are you still around Anthony?.....I hope I didn't make you mad.....you sound like a smart person.....I know I am being selfish I am wrapped up in my head....I guess I am sick....

@Anonymous Try sitting with the thought and not act on it. Lately I've noticed if I just don't react to it as intensely as I normally would, I start to feel less guilty. Not everything we do is sinful. If you want, reconsider following my Instagram.

@anthonys I will reconsider it........what medication are you on?...does it help?

@Anonymous I'd rather not disclose my medications on here, but I feel like one of them in particular is helping me. Some point after I started taking it, I started to get less stressed sometimes about things. I can't say with a definitiveness that it gets better, but I can say that I've improved. Don't let this be the end for you. Keep going

@anthonys ok....I think your smart but I am not even sure how much emotional intelligence I have......I am not even sure how to process this....its been 2 months.

@Anonymous I have a difficult time with my emotions. Let it sit. Try not reacting to it. See if it dwindles.

@anthonys I checked out your instagram....you look like a good dude.......not that I need to give a lot of advice but I think part of this is nutrition....something is off with my brain...I think vitamins from salads help.....sometimes even eating pizza my brain feels better.....but maybe that is just me........Dr.Amen Clinics...can do a brain scan........but yeah I think I need medicstion......sorry I am adhd too really bad right now.

@Anonymous In my scenario, medication was pretty much a necessity. Don't be afraid to seek it out. You can get that help, and there are resources out there. There's a hotline I can call when necessary. I see a social worker. You don't have to fight this on your own. Try listening to the song I'll find you by Lecrae ft. Tori Kelly

@anthonys right.....I was really suicidal.......I have Christian music always on...........btw...my cat is a tortoiseshell......I got lucky that I found it at the humane society....tortoiseshell cats are kind of like calicos......its one of the prettier cat breeds....almost like a burmese......thank you for talking to me.......maybe I can talk to you more on here.....

@Anonymous I hope that I was able to help. And don't be afraid to love your cat. I love my cats and they sometimes help me out.