Just gonna rant a LOT. It’s so hard to navigate a regular relationship when every little “thing” feels like it means something huge about the relationship when it doesn’t and that every time something is a little off I feel like running away or examining the relationship from every angle. It also doesn’t help that in the back of my head I worry if I’m a lesbian in denial that’s gonna wake up some day and realize I never truly was in love with my partner. It’s been 5, almost 6 months since I’ve seen him and honestly I’d kill just to have him hold me again. I hate this long distance and even though we fall asleep on the phone each night, I wish I could fall asleep by his side. I miss his bright smile and how patient he was with me before he joined the military. He’s still patient with me, but we don’t the same kind of time we used to. I don’t know how to balance yet as we’ve only been able to call for about a month. On one hand I feel like exploding to him about everything he’s missed, but on the other we just don’t always have that time to catch up and some days we just want to relax and play video games together or look at memes. I wish I could do more for myself but I can’t right now. I used to look forward to classes, band, hanging out with friends, school and club events, etc but now I don’t have access to any of it due to the pandemic and it sucks. He’s on the opposite end of the spectrum, he gets to go to class every day, has roommates to always talk to, liberty to go out on base on weekends and I’m so happy for him I really am because he was going crazy being cooped up at home but I wish I had the opportunity to do more for myself so that I don’t drag him down and so I don’t drag myself down. I was exploring hobbies back in November but then in mid December my so-ocd hit and I lost so much motivation and time. Now it’s hard to get back to where I was because of how much time I wasted ruminated and being anxious. I shut myself off a lot and I’m still scared to go back to “normal” because I’ve been on the defense from the thoughts for so long that I forgot how to do anything else. Sometimes I feel like me finding out about my ocd just made me way too hyperaware of my thoughts. I’m going to start trying to do more for myself, but I’m scared. Scared it’s going to mean my thoughts will manifest themselves into the things I fear. If anyone could give me advice or words of wisdom for exposing myself to normal life again that would be so amazing and needed right now, I can’t keep laying in bed all day on my phone. Not only is it dragging me down, but also my connection to my amazing partner and to my friends and family.