lately i’ve been comparing myself a lot to my friend and i find myself always falling short. i’m now at the point where i literally can’t think of one good quality in myself. she’s just really amazing? like good at everything kinda person. she’s one of the smartest girls, she’s funny, she’s confident, she’s a good friend etc. she has a solid family, a big house and good opportunities. beyond that she’s also quite mature / serious (when need be) and so she’s always taken seriously for her struggles. like she’s not the kind of person who would ever exaggerate or be showing it off for attention. i’ve always struggled with my self esteem but i still thought i was smart and stuff. it’s just, when i compare myself to her, i have no defining quality. like i’m just a watered down version. there’s nothing that makes me ‘me’. the only positive is probably my people pleasing tendencies (where i can see people’s needs well) and i guess my care for people but it’s not that she lacks those. she just doesn’t have to people please. and with my struggles too, i always worry she thinks i’m being dramatic. or over exaggerating, so i don’t even wanna confide in her anymore. and also, with this is particular, i can’t confide in her. all in all i’m just feeling so poor about myself. like i’m not good enough and never will be when she’s so great. i wish i had something about me that could make me feel special but there isn’t anything. all of this has been making me cry a lot lately. like i don’t wanna be myself anymore.

A little backstory I used to be in love with this girl for months, I would nit pick every text, seeing if she was online or waiting for a reply or text from her CONSTANTLY just to find out I was nothing, she treated me so horribly I kind of forgot how it felt to be loved, I work so hard on something that was a waste it was hard to just “nudge it off” we are complete strangers now. But not to long after I have met this girl a real girl with morals a life, respectful looks at me when I talk and listens to me. Real interest. But of course how I’m wired is to question is this real, we don’t talk 24:7 like the last girl so I thought is this love then if we don’t talk constantly? I didn’t know any better of course, until our first date where we clicked even more and more, and then the second then the third then the fourth, why am I typing this, well it’s because I still don’t feel enough even though I get letter after letter LOVE letters reassuring me yet nothing changes I love this girl but I’m scared to love her fully because what if she just leaves what if she’s lying, I love her so much and she is truly a good person, yet she has no idea how much I cry for her because I feel as if I’m failing her daily, I give her flowers, notes, good dates, really real conversations everything I need in a girl, and what I love the most is the little moments where I truly find myself loving her with all my heart for a few seconds, truly the best feeling ever where I know she loves me back and cares for me and appreciates the things I do for her but then poof there I go second guessing it, and sometimes I feel scared I wanna run away from everything because I’d rather run before I get hurt then get hurt again , but I don’t wanna feel this way I want her we can build a true connection if I allow it but how do I allow it after years of never truly loving someone for real for real, the only love I know is toxic yet I’m not toxic and neither is she, so I need a break from short form content or even music I’m willing to change if it makes my life as a whole more positive it’s just some night I think to myself am I truly enough what can I do to be better and then that sends me spiraling and then not doing anything, yet I believe I do enough for her MORE than enough I treat her super well like a queen, but the dreams I have, I dream she leaves and I’m left feeling empty more empty then ever to the point where I get up at TWO am checking my phone to make sure she didn’t ghost me or she didn’t die. It truly shows me if she does leave that’s the feeling I will feel in that moment and it is terrible the most gut wrenching thing ever and yet when I see her I forget what I was sad about her smile and everything yet when I’m alone it like I forget everything I become a whole different person, my parents and friends can tell I’m happier since I’ve met her, my energy is back but they are right but at the same time they are wrong I wish I can be with her all the time and I wish she would reassure me more but who am I to judge when she has no idea I just want to let go and love her like those little moments I get when I truly do and it’s not like I don’t like her I do constantly but it’s just that I don’t feel enough even though I am enough like we don’t text constantly throughout the day and with my past experiences I believe if you like someone you text them daily but that’s not true I text her morning, goodnight, and we check in on how our days are and of course randomly messages to is it truly just me who thinks like this I believe so hopefully she thinks that’s enough because it genuinely is enough for me but I worry about how she feels constantly should I tell her how I’m feeling or learn myself to become better?

Does anyone else struggle with this? I am constantly feeling jealous of all of my friends and wishing I could just be them because I know they don’t struggle with this and my obsession. I am even jealous of others with ocd, for example when I’m on here reading posts, I think to myself “I would rather have anyone else’s obsessions because it would be better than what I have and I’d be happy”. I know it’s not true at all because every time my obsession changes it feels just as bad as the last. But it is always in my mind it’s exhausting.

It’s a silly thing and that’s why I can’t talk about it with her directly but… Basically one of my best friends has brought me into a group of 4 people (me, her, and two other friends - one of which is a childhood friend of mine and the other a mutual that I have more so a distant friendship or acquaintance through the both of them). Now I was actually introduced to my best friend by this childhood friend in the group, but I am always the odd one out, not even a third wheel but a fourth wheel and they’re this dynamic trio. I’m kind of just there by association, but it feels as if I am of lesser value or just nice to have when I’m “useful”. They’re always together, perhaps because they’re closer both physically and emotionally, living closer to each other, having more compatible schedules, and just being well better friends. I feel excluded. Today she was talking about going out to breakfast and going bowling with them. Two activities the two friends I’m closer to in the group of 4 know I would’ve very much enjoyed and wanted to come along to. But no invite, they have group chats without me and even the chats I’m in, it’s like talking to a wall - more like I’m the fly on the wall just in the middle of them talking amongst themselves. I know they don’t mean to do it, they don’t think anything of it, they don’t know that I feel excluded or feel any of this type of way to begin with. And I’ll never confront her or the rest of them because I don’t want to create trouble and make it about me - they’re just enjoying themselves. Is it bad that I feel mad? That I’m upset and hurt by it? It’s like irrational anger but I just feel like… I don’t actually matter. She has her actual friends and I’m just here to play therapist when she needs some extra emotional support. And I hate that I feel this way because I’ve never thought like this before. I’m mad at myself for being upset and I can’t just tell her because it makes no sense, she doesn’t know and she did nothing wrong, I’m just overreacting.