You know I wake up with ocd and it really sucks. Having to feel an arousal feeling on my balls as I wake up. Noticing my balls as I wake up. Feeling some anxiety as I wake up. And all I can do is notice it and go about my day. Try to live a normal life. Having to notice thoughts but still walk around like normal. Eating healthy like I used to do. Watching tv like I used to do. Go to the gym like I used to. Be able to look around and notice people like I used to while I’m having either my hocd thoughts coming out or my ocd thoughts that pop up when I see a girl and all I can do is just notice it and try my best to not breakdown and cry. To not feel as if I have no meaning in life. I try explaining this to all the therapist’s I see but don’t get help for it. I mean they wouldn’t do nothing about it cuz I’m already doing erp on my own. Either they try to get me anxiety or encourage me to keep going. My 1st ocd specialist was just trying to get me anxiety again she never thought to encourage me cuz all she was trying to do was get me anxiety and it sucked. Like some encouragement would’ve probably been better but no. I guess that’s why I feel she didn’t believe me cuz she didn’t encourage me to keep going or that I’ll get my life back if I keep trying to do things like normal. I mean my depression is really that bad that it made it hard to keep doing things I once liked to do and didn’t receive any encouragement. Who knows maybe she thought I was bi and I was just in denial of it but I thought in order to be bi you have to actually like both sexes and not just the opposite or have sexual fantasies of the same sex or be able to think about sex with a dude and get hard by it on your own when you think about it smh. I mean if my thoughts were clear when trying to think about sex with women I would get hard all the time I thought it was supposed to be the same for the same sex too if you were bi but she knew more about me than myself apparently but yet I never felt bi or gay. I’d have instances but not true feelings just instances of feeling lonely and hate for myself all cuz being with a women or trying to be with a women is just so damn hard when I’m the way that I am. I mean it’s tough. It was always tough for me. Choosing to be fit and healthy and wanting a career or just choosing to have a career and not caring about what lifestyle I have cuz I have someone. Like that’s why I went to therapy to understand my life and what’s meaningful to me but never got an answer or help imo and it’s just my opinion and how I feel so it doesn’t sound like I’m just bashing when in fact I really felt I didn’t get the help I was looking for. I’ve left therapy with more questions than answers and I thought therapy was to help clear my questions not create more questions and seeking more answers. I’ll end it with I’m still in need of help but will I ever get it probably not but it’s just the way it’s always been for me I’ve always had to figure it out on my own without no ones help even when I’m asking for help I still don’t get it.