I’m posting this to vent and maybe find some friends who can relate. I haven’t been officially diagnosed with OCD yet because I’m scared of telling my parents but I just can’t take it anymore. My OCD started developing around my junior year of high school I think as an extension of my anxiety and now i’m a freshman in college. It started off as just simply knocking on wood every time I would get an intrusive thought or just needing to hold my “special rock” while taking tests or else I would fail. It’s now so debilitating. I have intrusive thoughts practically 24/7 and can only escape them in my sleep, unless I have dreams about them, which leads to me constantly sleeping. I have a full 30 minute routine I have to complete before I can go to bed at night. I have to knock on everything in 4’s. I recently decided that 3 is an evil number. Odd numbers mean no and even numbers mean yes. 9 is an exemption tho and every time I serve myself some ice in a cup, it has to be 9 once cubes just for example. But I have way more compulsions and I just keep developing new ones. I think horrible things constantly. I’ve dealt with depression in the past so the thought that bad things are going to happen to me if I don’t engage in my compulsions doesn’t affect me as much as thinking about it happening to other people, which is so much worse. I want these thoughts and these compulsions to go away so badly. I miss life before it. I want to be free from this. I just don’t know what to do. I know I shouldn’t entertain my thoughts by doing my rituals but I feel so much better when I do. Except it only lasts for awhile and then I’m back to doing the same thing. I’m so exhausted. I know these thoughts aren’t me but they just don’t seem to go away unless I am super distracted or preoccupied with something. I just want to think normally.

Cupcakes82!

Date posted: 4y

Sorry this is so long I just don’t know where else to talk. Another thing that really bothers me is that I can’t enjoy anything. I’ll celebrate good news or and accomplishment for awhile but then my mind will start spinning and I think of all the bad things that could happen or try to find wrong things when there are none. I hate change so much. I find the weirdest things to obsess over. I can’t stand it.

꒰ ¨̮͚ ꒱ EresPa...

Date posted: 4y

I can relate, I also had to carry a special rock, and if I didn’t have it I would have a bad day. Please go get help, it’s hard to deal with ocd without a therapist or guidance. And it certainly makes us feel lonely when we don’t seek help. You don’t have to tell your parents if you want to, but I’m sure they would like to know what’s up. I’m sorry you are going through this.

Cupcakes82!

Date posted: 4y

thank you so much for your kind response. i really would like to tell them but they’re immigrants and the whole “mental health” thing doesn’t really make sense to them. i really want to go to therapy or maybe get on medication but i’m on their insurance so i feel like they would find out and be all weird about it. it’s just really hard to navigate but i hope i can figure it out and get help soon. thank you so much again for your super nice response, it meant so much to me. hope you have a great day!

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Cupcakes82! They may not have to know, even if you are on their insurance. If you’re over 18, you may be able to talk to your primary care physician and let them know that you really need to speak to someone but that you don’t want your parents to know and they may be able to help you. Also, NOCD offers therapy without insurance and they have payment plans where you can just pay $50 a week until your balance is paid in full, if you can afford that. That way you wouldn’t have to go through your insurance provider. But I do think you really need to speak to someone about this. I can relate about not wanting parents to know, I don’t tell anyone I see a therapist either. Needing help is nothing to be as shamed of though. I understand that your parents are immigrants, but outside of your family, lots of people need therapy. It’s becoming even more common now. Even people who don’t have serious mental illnesses seem to need it in one form or another! I hope you can find help soon 😊

꒰ ¨̮͚ ꒱ EresPa...

Date posted: 4y

I can relate to that as well. Mental health isn’t taken seriously in my culture, there’s a lot of shame on it . Hmm that’s a toughie, I guess you can just say that you have anxiety for now, and the medication would help you focus more on school. A relative of mine didn’t want me to get on medication, but I just told them I wouldn’t be able to succeed if I don’t have it. I’m not sure if that’s going to help.

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