I need someone to tell that I'm not a monster. A couple of weeks ago or days in the morning, I was having intrusive images with the company of grional reactions. I knew that if I change the image to another one that I like I would visualize other intrusive image, but then I tell to myself that this can be exposure, and ect, but I knew that I would thing that as an excuse to fantasize about the thought, but I did it anyways, and I visualize a scene that I like, and even simulate fucking this image, but then I visualize an intrusive image, and stopped what I was doing and I went to the bathroom, and the the grional reaction felt to strong, and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, but I knew i would change the image, and I question to myself why I didn't stopped more fast. After that I don't remember what happened, but days after that, I started to felt guilty about what happened, and can't stop repeating the scene of me fucking the intrusive image. Now I feel like I did it to have an excuse to act on my thoughts, and I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't feel like it wasn't on purpose because I knew what was going to happened. I tell to myself why I did that if i knew what was going to happened. I feel horrible. O don't know how to continue living after I did that. I need.to live for my family, but i can't stop having this images and grional reactons, I don't want to be a pedo, but I feel like one.

Thank you for your comment, but when I was doing that I also thought I was doing it to have an excuse to act in the thought. I feet awful know, but it took day to me to feel awful, and that's I know thinking I'm that.

And thats why now I'm thinking that

@Anonymous Whatever you did, your OCD made you do it as a checking parameter. You did not have bad intentions, you are surviving. Chrissie Hodges does a good talk on this exact situation

@Evan In the moment before that I was thinking of a story I read in reddit that he had to masturbate to make the sensation away. And I think I take that as an excuse to act on my thoughts, and I even think of that as Exposure. After I went to the bathroom I convince myself that it was my ocd making me feel bad. But now I guilty.

@Evan But now I feel guilty

@Anonymous Try to label everything thag comes with the thoughts and responses as OCD. Whether it’s guilt, fear, anxiety, label it as part of OCD and not of you

@Evan Thank you for your comments, this is now what haunts my head, and its killing me. I'm so afraid of being that, I can't stop thinking about my intrusive images, and I can't stop the grional reactions. I feel like I need to hold responsible for my actions. And my family is worried for me, and they don't know about what I think. And they don't deserve a child like me.

@Anonymous If you can get yourself to the point to where you’re comfortable to talk about it with your family then do so. But do not ever say that no one deserves a child like you. You are loved and are important and it sucks that you have this OCD

@Evan Thank you so much for your words, I don't think thats true, I'm really glad that you're saying this to me. I still don't know how to move forward, but I'm going to continue to live for my family. My mom even brought me special blanket to help to sleep better. I want to be better for them even when I feel that everything is my fault.

@Anonymous I wish you the best. You will get out of this, there is light at the end of the tunnel, sun and the end of the rain, and you will see it someday. Love yourself, let others love you, and take it one day at a time. You are not a bad person, you just have OCD

@Evan I really want to think that. I hope happiness in your life. You're very nice to take your time and responding to me. I wish you the best.