Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I'm afraid that I'm starting to like the scenes in my head. I don't want to be a p3d0, but everything I did in the past and before this started is making me think I'm a sexual deviant. Yesterday I imagine a scene on purpose, and I don't know why I did it, why I let it happened? And the fact that I didn't have anxiety after that confirms my theory. The grional reactions are constant and sometimes really strong. And my body feels hot after that. I'm a afraid that if I ever watch cp I'm going to like it. Sometimes I'm not looking for grional reactions, but it happens. I read that for to be considered a p3d0 you have to be 16 and have 6 monts with those thoughts, and I'm afraid because I'm 15, and I have more than a month with this thoughts. I pray to god to get rid of this thoughts but I know that nothing is going to happened. Sometimes I imagine myself doing something bad in the future, and I tell myself that I wouldn't do that, but p3d0s don't need to do something like that, so that don't make me feel better. I don't want to live like this. And I don't know if it's because I don't want the guilt or because their are children. I want to be more anxious, and I don't want to feel like I already act on my thoughts. I can't say to myself that is my just my ocd because it doesn't feel right. I don't know what to do. If I start treating this like ocd and do normal things that I like, and ignore the images, scenes, grionial reactions and things i did, but it doesn't work and it results to be p3d0 disorder I don't know what I would do. It feels like I'm in negation, and every time someone responds to my post telling me It's not me, I don't believe it. It's like in deep down I know I'm in denial, and I just holding up to something that makes me think otherwise. I'm afraid that if I go to a therapist and I tell them everything I did, they would tell me that I developed the P3d0 disorder. I regret everything that I did, and hate myself for reading things that I knew were bad. This is the first day in a month that I could sleep well because my mother brought me a special blanket to sleep well. But I feel like I don't deserve to sleep well. My family deserves a better child, and I hate myself for that. I hate that I'm having grional reactions by writing this, and reading the experiences of other people in the app. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm a p3d0, and I delete this app because I feel that continuing in this app is a lack of respect for the people that believe their monsters, but they really aren't, and that I don't need the reassurance this brings me. But time later I always installed the app, and I make posts to make people tell me that I'm not a monster. And every time they tell me that I'm not and reassured me, I don't believe it because it's like I know that the explications that they give aren't true, and I just trying to think I'm not a monster when the reality is that I am that. I think that I have ocd because of things of my past, but I also thing that for things I did in my past I developed the p3d0 disorder. I don't know how to continue life because I feel that I don't deserve to live. I want to do things that I like and be with my family, and pretend I'm a good person, but I can't. The images are always there, the thoughts, and the flashbacks. And my family knows that I'm like this and they want me to be better, but it doesn't feel fair to me to feel better when I did the things that I did, and I always have this images, and scenes, and reactions. This day I feel like normal, but I don't like that I'm feeling that, I should be more anxious, and sad. Sometimes I don't feel anxious at all, or sad, or cry. And the times I cry are because I don't want to feel like crap, not because of the content of the scenes or the images. My family don't know what I'm thinking, and sometimes I want to tell them but I don't. I don't have the money to talk to an ocd therapist, and I'm afraid they would tell me what I think. I don't want to think that I'm that. But I always think that for things that I did. It's like I'm trying to think that I'm the victim, but I don't feel like one. I need to hold myself responsible for the thing that I did. But I don't want to think I'm a p3d0. This just feels like denial, and it's like I'm can't bring myself to convince me that I'm not that. When I'm convince myself that I'm that it feels like I have peace and I'm being sincere with me. I'm feeling like I want to portray me like the victim writing this for people to take pety of my and and reassured me that I'm not a monster, when the realty is that I'm one. I never wanted to be in this situation, if life would give a second chance or a time machine I would take it. I regret everything I did. Even when writing this doesn't feel sincere. I just wanted to take this out of my chest. I'm sorry for writing this.

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

Pedophiles don't care that they are pedophiles. We act on what we want without regrets. Murderers don't feel sorry for killing someone and they wouldn't kill anyone if they sit there and thought 'I don't want to kill anybody'.

lucy.wilefirr

Date posted: 4y

What are “the things you did “. OCD can often convince us that things from the past are actually horrid . I get these too. Like when I was 15 I liked a girl who was 13, but I thought she was 14. Then I felt like I was a pedo for finding her attractive and that it was morally wrong . When I was 16, I unknowingly found a 14 year old “attractive “ for a second. OCD can distort a lot of things . I don’t wanna reassure you but there’s lots of good apps and articles on POCD .

[Deleted]

Date posted: 4y

Comment deleted by user

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I read a lot of yaoi when before and and I read questionable age difference. Days before this started I read a ship and the characters were 10 and 13, and I read of them having s3x, I tried to imagene them as teenagers, but sometimes I couldn't concentrate to make them look older. I fetishes gay man, and sometimes one of them would be really feminine to the point it almost look like a boy. I don't do anything of that with bad intentions. I stopped doing that when I understand that was bad. But then I started having grional reactions when I see children and I freak out, and thats how this started. Days ago in the morning I was having intrusive images with a lot of grional reactions, and I decided to change the image to one I like and then I simulate fucking this image. Then I visualize an intrusive image I stopped and went to the bathroom and the grional reaction felt too strong. And I blame myself because I knew that I would change the image, and I don't know why I allow that to happened. I want to think that it was me telling me that it doesn't matter if I change the image because that would be my ocd, and I could take that as some kind of exposure, but then that happend and I think I didn't stopped fast, I went to the bathroom, and I convince myself that it was the ocd, and I didn't felt distress until days later. And yesterday I was trying to sleep in my father's lap when I hear the sound of a baby crying and I visualize the baby and then I visualize myself doing that to the baby. And I feel bad because I am almost sure that it was in purpose and then I didn't felt anxiety after that, the only thing I did was pray again and again, but the scene lasted a lot and I felt a tingling in my tongue, and I felt grional reactions. I want to think that that it was me knowing what I was going to think and allowing it happened and I focus to much in thr scene. But everything feels like an excuse to act on my thoughts, and I don't want to be a p3d0. I don't want to live like that. I can't live like that.

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous I used to fantasize about younger characters and see Manga with little girls but I would never molest a child. You just think about it too much and worry bc it's important to you

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@clariberri But I'm telling you. Everytime I would imagine one of the two too younger, I would tried to imagene them looking older.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Daria Alexandrovna I'm so scare. I can't stopped having this scenes in my head, and its always in the company of grional reactions. I don't want to be a p3d0, I can't believe that I fantasize voluntarily all the things I thought after that.

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous You know there's a tendency with intrusive thoughts. When we get scared of them and don't want to have them, we push them away. But when our brain sees that we've recognized something as a threat, it sends us signals that it's bad. But in the result, ee think of it more and notice more and more of the same content. Our brain tries to save us, but it makes us feel worse

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I'm so scare right now. I want to kill myself. I don't want to think that I imagine all those scenes on purpose. And I can't stop having grional reactions. And I'm feeling my parts trembling right now after I remember all the scenes I imagine. Some of that scenes have a familiar in it. And I don't know how to look her in the face after this. Please somebody kill me.

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

You are not the only one who feels this way, and that's why you're here, with out community. We're here for you

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Daria Alexandrovna But i don't want to be a p3d0

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Do you want to say that everyone here who has POCD is a pedo?

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous They also feel like it's extremely real.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Daria Alexandrovna No, but I'm afraid I let a lot this scenes passed because I categorize them as ocd, but if they aren't ocd, tha means I fantasize willingly about them, and in some of them a had a strong grional reaction or it was too detail. I just don't want this anymore. Its killing me alive. I don't feel like a person anymore.

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous 'what if' is not 'it is'. it's imaginary... you may purposely bring too many details into this to see your reaction.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

i can do it unconsciously?

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

if it's unconscious then it's intrusive isn't it?

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

But I can check for my reaction unconsciously?

Daria Alexan...

Date posted: 4y

Nah I think checking is a mental compulsion but it feels automatic

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