I'm afraid that I'm starting to like the scenes in my head. I don't want to be a p3d0, but everything I did in the past and before this started is making me think I'm a sexual deviant. Yesterday I imagine a scene on purpose, and I don't know why I did it, why I let it happened? And the fact that I didn't have anxiety after that confirms my theory. The grional reactions are constant and sometimes really strong. And my body feels hot after that. I'm a afraid that if I ever watch cp I'm going to like it. Sometimes I'm not looking for grional reactions, but it happens. I read that for to be considered a p3d0 you have to be 16 and have 6 monts with those thoughts, and I'm afraid because I'm 15, and I have more than a month with this thoughts. I pray to god to get rid of this thoughts but I know that nothing is going to happened. Sometimes I imagine myself doing something bad in the future, and I tell myself that I wouldn't do that, but p3d0s don't need to do something like that, so that don't make me feel better. I don't want to live like this. And I don't know if it's because I don't want the guilt or because their are children. I want to be more anxious, and I don't want to feel like I already act on my thoughts. I can't say to myself that is my just my ocd because it doesn't feel right. I don't know what to do. If I start treating this like ocd and do normal things that I like, and ignore the images, scenes, grionial reactions and things i did, but it doesn't work and it results to be p3d0 disorder I don't know what I would do. It feels like I'm in negation, and every time someone responds to my post telling me It's not me, I don't believe it. It's like in deep down I know I'm in denial, and I just holding up to something that makes me think otherwise. I'm afraid that if I go to a therapist and I tell them everything I did, they would tell me that I developed the P3d0 disorder. I regret everything that I did, and hate myself for reading things that I knew were bad. This is the first day in a month that I could sleep well because my mother brought me a special blanket to sleep well. But I feel like I don't deserve to sleep well. My family deserves a better child, and I hate myself for that. I hate that I'm having grional reactions by writing this, and reading the experiences of other people in the app. Sometimes I convince myself that I'm a p3d0, and I delete this app because I feel that continuing in this app is a lack of respect for the people that believe their monsters, but they really aren't, and that I don't need the reassurance this brings me. But time later I always installed the app, and I make posts to make people tell me that I'm not a monster. And every time they tell me that I'm not and reassured me, I don't believe it because it's like I know that the explications that they give aren't true, and I just trying to think I'm not a monster when the reality is that I am that. I think that I have ocd because of things of my past, but I also thing that for things I did in my past I developed the p3d0 disorder. I don't know how to continue life because I feel that I don't deserve to live. I want to do things that I like and be with my family, and pretend I'm a good person, but I can't. The images are always there, the thoughts, and the flashbacks. And my family knows that I'm like this and they want me to be better, but it doesn't feel fair to me to feel better when I did the things that I did, and I always have this images, and scenes, and reactions. This day I feel like normal, but I don't like that I'm feeling that, I should be more anxious, and sad. Sometimes I don't feel anxious at all, or sad, or cry. And the times I cry are because I don't want to feel like crap, not because of the content of the scenes or the images. My family don't know what I'm thinking, and sometimes I want to tell them but I don't. I don't have the money to talk to an ocd therapist, and I'm afraid they would tell me what I think. I don't want to think that I'm that. But I always think that for things that I did. It's like I'm trying to think that I'm the victim, but I don't feel like one. I need to hold myself responsible for the thing that I did. But I don't want to think I'm a p3d0. This just feels like denial, and it's like I'm can't bring myself to convince me that I'm not that. When I'm convince myself that I'm that it feels like I have peace and I'm being sincere with me. I'm feeling like I want to portray me like the victim writing this for people to take pety of my and and reassured me that I'm not a monster, when the realty is that I'm one. I never wanted to be in this situation, if life would give a second chance or a time machine I would take it. I regret everything I did. Even when writing this doesn't feel sincere. I just wanted to take this out of my chest. I'm sorry for writing this.

Hey guys today I just wanted to come here and share an experience I have and I generally don't know what to do I feel like a terrible person for having these thoughts and for thinking them I genuinely don't know what to do I don't know the signs behind it and why I think the way I do but it's honestly driving me crazy I don't know what to do I have a pornography addiction for a long time it's where it's like anytime I'm an intimate moment or am masturbating my head just thinks these weird things always the same repetitive thoughts to of family members your younger sibling or a young child I myself am a 17 year old and I feel so disgusted I feel like I can't live my life anymore I feel like I'm a criminal cuz like it feels like I chose this these thoughts like I actively think them I don't know the signs behind it and I just really need professional help if there's any like therapist here that could fill me in that would be nice I would also like to know if you guys had any similar experiences because for me I feel like I have to rewatch pornography and do it right without the thoughts cuz I feel like the thoughts are just like to prevalent anytime I do anything related to masturbation why do I think this way I'm also just trying to be as honest as I can with this I'm not trying to make myself I guess a victim I'm trying to hold myself accountable if I actually am like this because I also have doubts in my head that tells me that I enjoy these things I feel like I'm going crazy someone help because it feels so real like I acted on them or that I was pleasuring myself to the thoughts and not towards the video it's just how can I live with myself you know also during it it felt like I was thinking the thought for a long period of time like it was dominating my head so I couldn't focus it felt l

Why am I not anxious? Like at all anymore? Is it because I'm really avoiding and trying not to think of the consequences that come from possibly being a pdfile? Is the only thing that is worrying me about it is the consequences then does it mean that I really am one? But I never masturbated to the thought of a child and actively seeked it. It came as intrusive thoughts while I was doing it yes I've had them when I see kids yes and I question and check a lot if I'm attracted to them and its just confusing me, I know I'll never do anything to hurt a child and I don't even like the idea of becoming a pdfile then why am I not anxious enough about it? The thoughts are just distressing obsessive I feel disgusting and Id say I still do compulsions but I don't know something just doesn't feel right. I don't feel anything and no real attraction to anyone or anything anymore. I just feel so disgusting and I just want to be normal but then again I pretty much did this to myself. It's weird to me I know there isn't a real indication I'm a pdfile and past experiences pretty much prove that and I've always been attracted to older guys so why is this happening now? Why am I getting these thoughts now especially right after I was trying to fix this sexual obsession/tension I had for older guys. Is my brain just leaving one thing to love and be obsessed about and going to the other? I'm really really just confused. Not anxious just distressed confused and uncomfortable. Like I want to throw up but I don't feel intense anxiety in my chest it feels like maybe I haven't processed what's going on properly. I'm genuinely so confused and I don't want to have this stay in my mind. Sometimes I just miss my ex so much because at the time I've felt something I felt so much things even though I had really bad rocd. I just miss loving people again and being alive again. I'm so scared and confused right now can anyone explain to me what is this? I genuinely just want to understand what I'm feeling or thinking because its not making sense to me

This is really hard for me to post and put out here, I'm not diagnosed with OCD, I just recently started talk therapy. But when I was a child my mom speculated because I had OCD. Because I would have compulsions from intrusive thoughts that always stemmed around SA. Everything for me gets stuck in a record player and a spiral and I can't stop. This is a really concerning and disturbing one, so I thought I would warn again if the topic seems too much for many people. I just recently learned about false memeory OCD and its the only explanation I can come up with right now. I've never shared an intrusive thought out loud but this one is too much. I have been in a really intense spiral lately, where I keep having these extremely vivid memeories of me sexually assaulting people not in my body like I'm sleep walking. It's extremely disturbing and I've convinced myself I have this sort of alter identity or a sleep disorder that is violent. Ive looked up a bunch of disorders like that. I asked a few people if I sleep walk but they don't remember me ever doing something like that, but what if they somehow surpressed a memeory too? I want to bring this up to my therapist, but I have been afraid to because it is so much and a spiral that has lasted for the course of months now and I have ruined my mental health and relationships because of it. I am extremely paranoid that everyone is lying to me or plotting to hurt me. But not because I think they are bad, but because I believe I deserve it. It got to the point where I now have memories of people trying to tell me I am creepy and that I had done things to SA them, along with memories of people talking while I'm not in the room about it. And I genuinely can't tell if it's real or not because I swear they are actual events that I just never put too much thought into in the past or completely dissociated from. (My main response to anything too much or difficult is to dissociate.) It's actually concerning me and the people around me because if it's true then I don't think I should be around society. I don't eat right, I'm too afraid to sleep without my door locked, I am unemployed with no sense of direction out of highschool because of it. It all stemmed from a surpressed memeory , witch who knows is real now, where my ex calls me and tells me I assaulted him, and that he was going to get me back, and that he had spread explicit photos of me. Now I genuinely feel like there is evidence to back up this because he brings up all my coworkers I had at the time, and I have memories of them making strange comments to me. If I somehow assaulted this guy without having an ounce of social awareness of what I was doing was assault then I feel like I absolutely deserve every ounce of mental spiral that is consuming me and worse. And I don't know how to stop this. And I'm afraid if I tell my therapist she might put me in a hospital and my family just doesn't have the money for that, and neither do I as an individual. The guilt would consume me. But I'm pretty sure I have no choice at this point. Because anouther "memory" resurfaced where I took a nightmare I had a long time ago and somehow turned it into me being Sexually assaulted by my father this time, and now I can't look at him or my family without absolute disgust. And I have "memories" of my family trying to talk to me about it but I completely forgot the event and processed it like a dream. I can't tell if something really creepy is actually happening or not but I'm starting to think it is because the way my brother acts around my family is weird but it could be my paranoia and the fact I have been freaking out everyone around me with my mental health. Either way I need to tell a professional because if I DID hurt my ex seriously, I need to take every ounce of accountability. But I don't wanna confess to a memory I don't even fully understand myself. I thought about contacting him several times and asking him if I have ever caused pain, but he blocked me and I feel like that crosses boundaries he has clearly set. Also I don't want to put this mental crisis on any other people, because my family is already freaked out enough. After writing this all out I'm starting to believe I really should force myself to tell my therapist no matter the consequences, I just feel like I need to admit this to a someone to get over my fear of saying it all out loud. Because everyday and every night I keep being plagued by these unwanted flashes of either me being hurt or me hurting other people In really disturbing and terrible ways. and it feels completely real with like context I've made to back it up. Am I unconsciously creepy? I'm just afraid I've become my worse fear and I was it without knowing my whole life.