i’ve been feeling so anxious lately. i think my rocd is back but this time it’s worse because since my boyfriend cheated, it’s given my ocd an excuse to be like “see he’s a horrible boyfriend u need to leave him” and it’s just been eating me up alive. i don’t want to leave him, i know i made the right decision by staying. i can’t imagine my life without him and i never want to share this love with anyone else. but my ocd keeps telling me i can’t let things go back to normal bc he cheated. me and him are also moving in together in a couple months so, everytime i get excited about that and try to picture our lives together, it’s like my ocd literally puts a mind block on me and i can’t enjoy even day dreaming about him like i used to. i was fine like a week ago, but the absence of feelings towards him is scaring me so badly. this isn’t the first time it’s happened, this is pretty standard for me. the only thing that’s different is that he cheated and again, my ocd is having a wonderful time using that as a reason for me not to love him. bc ive had rocd for so long, my physical anxiety is so low and so im always falling for the back door spike. i keep thinking me not being anxious is a sign that i don’t love him. so i keep trying to make my self anxious. i can’t even let my self cry bc i’m scared it’s gonna lead me to want to break up with him. everytime he sends me a sweet text, the only thing i feel is anxious bc my ocd keeps wanting me to “feel love” towards him but all i feel is anxious. i’m so so miserable and i keep checking to see if this is even ocd. i think it is because it’s so distressing to me but i’m also doing compulsions like checking my feelings, replaying all the time in my head where i did feel love towards him to reassure my self, avoiding crying bc im afraid it’s gonna make me want to leave him, trying to induce anxiety so i know this is egodystonic, repeating to my self over and over that if others can get over their partner cheating then i can too, trying to calm my self down by reminding my self that i’ve done some stupid stuff too, trying to feel love towards him when we’re on the phone, etc. and even though i can list all of these compulsions, my ocd still thinks it’s not enough and that’s it’s not ocd. i don’t know what to do i’m literally so miserable i feel so anxious all the time. and usually, for some reason i’ll reassure my self in the evening and i’ll be good for the rest of the night but today that didn’t happen and now i’m freaking out about that too. i don’t want to leave my boyfriend i love him so damn much (typing this out rn, my ocd is telling me i’m lying) and i want to heal past this thing that happened between us bc others have so why can’t i? but my ocd is making this so hard. i’m hoping it’s just because my period is about to come and my ocd usually spikes really bad when that happens because like i said, i was completely and utterly fine a couple days ago. i’m so so scared