My Trans OCD story. I hope this will help someone. If you have TOCD, reach out- lets support each other. Here goes: Last Easter, about two months after I got a severe concussion, I got dressed up for the first time. Skirt, blouse, lipstick, etc. I looked in the mirror and a part of my brain said “you look like a man in drag.” It shocked me, it scared me, it disgusted me. In august, I called a suicide hotline because the thought came back “what if you are a man?” It disturbed me so much my first thought was to check myself into a hospital- it’s opposite of everything I’ve ever wanted for my life. It left for a few more weeks and then I woke up one day and my brain started in again, this time nonstop. I considered ending my life again. Then I met my boyfriend. He changed everything. With him, I feel like myself. But I can’t be with him every minute of every day. And when I’m not with him, the thoughts are back. It’s so disgusting and disturbing. I have no problem with the trans community, I adore my lgbt friends. But they have a desire and a need to transition from the gender the are not to the gender they are meant to be. I feel like my brain is dragging backwards bound and gagged from my desired gender to a place I have no business being. My thoughts are now 24/7. With ERP the anxiety is fading but in some ways that is scarier: they feel more real. I am having a rough time again but I KNOW I can beat this.

Faye June

Date posted: 4y

Hey! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I think all the people on this app can vouch for how emotionally painful OCD is. Your post got me thinking though, it is really interesting how everyone with OCD has certain triggers, (my therapists calls them ‘spikes’) when ultimately, all of these obsessions stem from completely generic human thoughts. That moment in the mirror that you describe has happened to me too, and I’m sure basically every single ‘cis’ girl out there - especially those who are particularly self-critical. Sometimes if I do my makeup wrong, or my outfit looks bad, I’ll think ‘god, I look like a man’, and I completely understand how that could divulge into an obsession - because that’s how all of them start. There is hope, I promise you. There are proven treatments for OCD, and you’re not doomed to it. Things are hard at the moment, but believe me, things will improve if you start taking steps towards your ideal self!

Coul.C

Date posted: 4y

I suffer similarly its nice to see that im not alone

Scooterino

Date posted: 4y

Thank you so much. ❤️ I really appreciate your words. It is funny how OCD creates different problems for each of us- you had that experience and didn’t experience the same downward spiral of obsession, but we might both have similar experiences in the opposite direction, where I am not triggered by something and you are. OCD is a wild thing.

Faye June

Date posted: 4y

@Scooterino Yeah! That’s what I mean, like I spike with health, and also with my orientation, so HOCD essentially - but that could totally not be an issue for you, but ultimately it all boils down to OCD!

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