I need to talk with someone with pocd please

I'm feeling weird. I feel like before this started but I still have the rumination and grionial reactions, but then nothing. I ruminate and play very graphic scene in my head that I imagined before over and over again for the past two days and I got a strong grionial reactions, itbwas really similar to arousal if not equal, and the scene was about a family member and that makes me feel like I should be guilty more but I'm not because I tell myself no to ruminate about it, but I feel that I need to addressed that and I don't know how I'm going to see the face of this family member anymore, and I don't know if I was fantasizing or ruminating, and when I was ruminating I was conscious about that and I still play the scene, and I feel like a should feel guilty, and I don't know if I enjoyed them or not because everytime I think about I get a immediately strong grionial reaction. I don't know how to continue living after that, I don't think I deserve it after what I did. Sometimes it feels like I'm looking for this scenes on my own . I don't know if I was ruminating or fantasizing and I just hope that it was ruminating. I never wanted this. I'm feeling like I shouldn't be here or this is not fiar that I have to imagine that. I just don't know what to do. I should feel disgust but I'm not. I do want to this I enjoy it but I'm not sure. I don't know how to came back of this.

@Marializ Sounds like you are just checking alot. If I'm standing on a high mountain and I get the thought of jumping off do I actually want to jump? I might even replay it again and again but I still never jumped off. When I dealt with hocd back in high school I remember groinal responses a little. But I remember when I would get random thoughts of explicit things I'd immediately focus on my groin and tbh I feel like if you spend all day doing that you are bound to have some sort of groinal response. That doesn't mean that you are into it. I know I just wanted it all to go away.

Thank you so much. I was juts having a intrusive image a moment ago. Your words mean a lot to me.