BIG TRIGGER WARNING! sometimes i feel so lost and hopeless after i have intrusive thoughts that my mind goes straight to suicide. it’s so scary, i feel this overwhelming guilt and shame because my normal brain says “why would my brain come up with such horrible thoughts???!” like i know OCD is built to trigger and IT DOES, but after when i have a moment of settlement, i feel so much hatred towards myself that my suicide OCD is triggered and it says “you’re horrible, you need to die” and all these horrible thoughts...it makes me feel sick inside, i’d never SWEAR on my soul ever hurt a child or want to think these intrusive thoughts, i don’t know where they come from, they just pop up and it feels like fire ants in my brain like i want them to stop but they don’t. i am crying when writing this because it sounds so insane, the last thing i want is a child to be hurt or anything, but my OCD says such horrible things and i feel so alone because i feel like no one else’s OCD is this bad and i am so isolated and alone. i don’t want to die, but when you have such gross evil intrusive thoughts, you feel like it’s your only way out....sorry if this was way too much to take in, i just wanted to let this out because it’s such a horrible overwhelming weight on my chest and i have no one to talk to about this. I HATE this disorder so much and what it has done to me.

thank you so much! i’ve struggled with pure OCD since i was 16, but it came back really bad last year after my 19th birthday and ever since i’ve had the worst anxiety and depression. it makes me feel so horrible inside and when i am happy it just reminds me “you don’t deserve to be happy, you’re a disgrace” and it’s so hard to genuinely be happy. i know many people suffer with the same theme, but sometimes i just feel like my intrusive thoughts are the worst and i feel so isolated. i always wanted to be a mom so of course it attacks something i love so much and wants to ruin it for me, i don’t want to scare anyone, i just feel so lost sometimes i don’t know what else to do. :(

@hope Have you looked into erp therapy?

@PalmTree Also if this helps, I’ve read stories before of people who had ocd thoughts about children but were able to get better and have them. Recovery is possible!

@PalmTree Get better and have children, I mean

@hope this same thing happens with me also. when i am happy. suddenly Mind says no you cant be completely happy take this intrusive thought . so i become sad again. i dont know when did the last time i was relaxed and completely happy .

@PalmTree that’s super inspiring, i think my brain just attacks the things i love so much, it’s self sabotaging, my brain purposefully thinks of horrible things to make me feel anxious and it’s a horrible cycle. i definitely will look into actual erp therapy, thank you.

@john9888 exactly, whenever i am finally relaxed, my OCD doesn’t allow it. it will purposely make up a disturbing intrusive thought so i am back to square one and feel guilty and disgusting and then i go back into a depressive state. :(

@hope my ocd is different. its more of a mental torchure. i have posted it. but sadly nobody has noticed it in a week. i want to share my ocd story with someone. i really need clarification in my case.