My HOCD is crippling me today. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I remember being so happy. I’ve never ever been interested in a male before. I was so deeply in love with my girlfriend. We’re hitting 2 years this next month. I love her so much. Our romantic side is gone. I want things to be normal again. It breaks my heart because she’s sticking this through with me and I know how confusing it is for her. please god help me I feel like i’m living in hell every day I wake up. this came out of no where. i’m so confused.

It’s so weird. Before I dated my girlfriend I was all over the place with girls in the straightest way possible. Like I was a man slut sort of talking to so many girls and i’m not proud of that to be honest but it’s proof that I was straight I never looked at another man in a homosexual way. I’ve always joked with my boys and maybe acknowledged attractive men but never in a convicting way. Do you feel like this came out of no where?

@wyattthedude For me it started in April of 2020 when COVID was at its worst. But yeah,same with the sus jokes and being a man hoe that used to be me. This just came out of nowhere but I know I’m not gay at all even tho sometimes it’s very convincing I know I’m not and I just think about the good things in life and that keeps me going and I also meditate and pray more often to try and make these thoughts go away. But yeah this came out of nowhere.

@Anonymous Do you have a girlfriend too? Dude I feel guilt even seeing her face i’m instantly hit with the “You’re gay tho so the last two years don’t mean anything” Type of thought ya know.

@wyattthedude Yeah I have a girlfriend. For me it’s you don’t really like her. But I still get horny when I’m with her and I don’t have any thoughts when I’m with her. OCD is harder for others so just know that. When I’m alone I think about if I like her or not. Do you think about the thoughts when your with her?

@Anonymous interesting. yours almost sounds like Relationship ocd too.

@wyattthedude Yeah to be honest I don’t even know what I have anymore. I used to have thoughts that I’m gay and sometimes it’s thoughts that I don’t like her and sometimes it’s both.

@Anonymous I am still attracted to her but my anxiety has been crippling for 3 months. I read somewhere HOCD can ruin libido in general (sex drive) and just make you even more confused because even the most attractive girl in the world (in my opinion my girlfriend) still won’t REALLY do the justice it used to. It’s so confusing dude. Like when this all started I almost wanted it to be true so I could just accept it and live. But that wouldn’t work because it doesn’t feel right. The more and more I research I realize how powerful the mind is. HOCD and all the other topics that I have dealt with made me really consider not wanting to be alive. I’m past that point now, realizing that’s selfish. But all of my guilt comes from just wanting my girl friend to be happy. She knows the ins and outs of what’s going on with me so she’s here for the long run. I grew up wanting a beautiful family and kids and being that awesome father figure with my beautiful wife. And when I met my girlfriend 2 years ago it was instant. we both knew this was it. I never saw something like this coming. Sorry for the long paragraph. Just comforting to see this is a real problem people deal with.

@wyattthedude I’m sorry about that man. I was suicidal about this shit too. The first thing your doing wrong is searching and researching hocd and stuff that relates to it. The more your think about it the more thoughts you get. You have to learn to live with the doubt because if u don’t give it attention then it goes away. Another thing I learned even if you say in your mind your gay your mind will doubt that because it’s not right and it doesn’t feel right. I used to say to myself I am to quiet the thoughts but that didn’t work so either way ur mind will fight what’s going on with you. I want a family too, always have and I’m still desiring that. But if you want the thoughts to go away a little bit then stop reasearching about what you think about. The O in OCD is obssseive so your mind is obsessed with the thought of you being gay. THIS IS NOT DENIAL. You got this bro. Your not alone.

@Anonymous Thank you so much man. I am seeing a therapist friday and paying out of pocket for treatment from here. me and her are moving soon to Arizona. I train MMA and it’s the one thing keeping me sane. I love that she’s my ride or die as I am hers. Worst case scenario we’re best friends for life but even that doesn’t sound right man. Everything about this condition/ situation whatever it’s called is terrible. It’s like an alternate reality.