hope

Date posted: 4y

i hate this guilt!!! why do i have to have guilt!!! i hate p*dos! i think they’re evil and disgusting! my pocd is trying to convince me i am one of them and i should be dead or in jail😭i hate this so much, i have no desire to ever ever hurt a child, i think it’s the most evil thing you can do. so why is my brain trying to convince me i am that? why do i have to suffer every single day with intrusive thoughts and guilt when i know who i am inside, it’s just the random intrusive images and thoughts that are the problem :( the last few weeks have been extra difficult, i’ve been feeling just depressed and like i should end it all because of this guilt. i hate feeling like this.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

The guilt is terrible! I also have POCD but to add to that I used be a full time babysitter/nanny so all I do is sit and think about the past and if anything could be look at in the wrong way. Or if I did something bad and I completely forgot or forgot the memory but SOME HOW THE KID REMEMBERS SOMETHING I DONT?! I am currently in college and often think to myself what if this is all for nothing? No one is ever going to hire someone with that kind of a past and how many years do you think you are going to spend in jail? And not to mention the people who do the bad things we think about get treated the worst and hurt behind bars! You are not alone I can promise you that! I have also thought about ending it all because of any possible future shame. I am also on antidepressants so not sure if that just adds to it. I am here for you if you ever want to talk. Trust me anything you talk about isn't going to be something I haven't already thought about.

hope

Date posted: 4y

thank you for this and i am so sorry you’re suffering with the same theme, having POCD feels like you’re alone and no one will every get it bc it’s such a serious topic and it’s scary. i suffer from intrusive horrible images and it’s hell, everyday i feel like a monster and i just want to curl up in a ball and die. the intrusive thoughts get so bad that i start panicking and everyday feels like a repeat of the last, i am always just sad or feel guilty, but i don’t want these thoughts, they make me feel evil and when i have them i feel disgusting. i literally would not wish this on my worst enemy. :(

Anxietyking5150

Date posted: 4y

I'm right here with you

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

Hey, I know how this is. I feel the same way. Never in my life have I thought of worrying about something like this but now it's all I worry about and I fear I will go to jail and die there because of the past or the thoughts. I have real event and POCD so it's really a horrible combination

hope

Date posted: 4y

you put my thoughts into words, i literally would never have expected this to be something i suffer with 2 years ago and now it’s consuming my life. even before that i had intrusive thoughts, but now it’s everyday and it’s pure pain. the best way to explain it is self sabotaging, i don’t control the thoughts, they just pop up in my head or take over my head when i am relaxed and it’s so overwhelming and scary, it’s like my brain is fighting itself and i am stuck watching myself go crazy and wasting away the days suffering with immense guilt over thoughts i don’t control :(

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@hopeful You aren't controlling the thoughts, but you are reacting to them. And that alone can be hard to stop. You're so used to them coming and it's just not who you want to be. I sometimes feel like it's too late for me and if the people I loved knew about the problems I go through, they'd probably hate me. I hate my past self enough

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@hopeful Omg, same!! I have this amazing life and the ocd sabotages me every f-Ing day! It was never like this and now i am hyper aware. Pure pain is exactly right . And so unfair . Im trying therapy but this is very uncomfortable so far but sticking with it. You’re not alone, and this app is helpful to talk to others. Thank you for sharing.🙏🏻

hope

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 that is true, one thing i hold on to is “pure OCD cant make you do anything” and i just always go back to that because the intrusive thoughts get so disgusting and traumatizing that i feel like i am “long gone” or “hopeless” but then i remember it’s just intrusive thoughts and i am not them and they can’t make me do anything i don’t want to do. :( if someone saw my intrusive thoughts and images they would paint me as a monster, meanwhile i don’t want them or make them up, they just force themselves into my head and it’s the most frustrating, uncomfortable feeling...i am just trying to hold on to the positives, sometimes it feels impossible to stay positive with this disorder, but it’s much better than isolating and blaming myself for things i can’t control.

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Hi, I totally agree it’s pure suffering ! Yes, thoughts pop up and then I’m stuck in them, as if they pull me in! It’s so crazy. I feel like im sinking, it’s so hard to stay away from the thoughts because they feel so immediate and necessary to think About and suffer over. And they always so clever in luring me down the rabbit hole. I need to work hard on staying strong and not paying attention but also the feelings are so distressing too that I get in me body. Ugh! You’re not alone, totally with you , and staying hopeful!

hope

Date posted: 4y

thank you so much! i appreciate this comment so much! it’s very isolating suffering with this, but it’s super nice to have people relate to this and i feel less alone. and you’re so right! it’s like i HAVE to think about it it’s so weird, i am learning not to take them seriously, it’s just super hard when it’s something so horrible like i feel like i can’t just ignore it :/

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Same ! I have HOCD and presents in same way, having a spiral now and feel awful urges, makes me feel just sick. My life is so good and this thing is ruining it. Just started therapy but it’s so hard. You are not alone!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

hope

Date posted: 4y

thank you so much and i am so sorry, it’s a battle everyday, it truly makes me feel like a horrible person everyday but if i could i would stop the intrusive thoughts and images, they just pop up and take over my brain or i ruminate for hours and the intrusive thought gets worse and worse and i am panicking...pure OCD is pure suffering :(

happygirl15

Date posted: 22w

POCD/ Intrusive thoughts & Images

so I’ve been seeking therapy for my OCD for a few years. The theme that I’ve been dealing with most recently is the fear of becoming a pedophile, which then has led to intrusive images of me doing things to kids.Which now is just causing me so much distress and 24/7 constant thought cycle. I am starting to not be able to tell the difference between thoughts that are wanted/ unwanted- the line has become some blurry and these things are starting to feel like someothing i want to do. My brain keeps telling me to just test these thoughts and the “maybe”or”i don’t know” isn’t working. This has become such a barrier because the second layer is that I’m afraid that if I just let the thoughts be there it’ll make me be OK with doing those things and the fear is what’s keeping me from actually doing something inappropriate. It’s also transitioned into intrusive thoughts and images of me doing something very disgusting to my dog and that when I’m cuddling with him I get the thoughts to just do it or try it to see if i am actually a p*do. it’s almost like the compulsion would be to do the inappropriate thing, even though I know it’s wrong just to see how it would make me feel. I feel like i can’t control these urges even though i’ve never acted on it. At any point i could just do it. I’ve never had these thoughts before up until about a year and a half ago when my friend‘s boyfriend got arrested for soliciting a minor then all these thoughts came to life.Has anyone experienced something like this and have any advice?

POCD

Givenup

Date posted: 20w

Something truly horrible

What if you did something so extremely awful and truly horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and v0mit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15w

my POCD has won and I’m a horrible human being

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing

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