- Username
- hope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
- Username
- AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
The guilt is terrible! I also have POCD but to add to that I used be a full time babysitter/nanny so all I do is sit and think about the past and if anything could be look at in the wrong way. Or if I did something bad and I completely forgot or forgot the memory but SOME HOW THE KID REMEMBERS SOMETHING I DONT?! I am currently in college and often think to myself what if this is all for nothing? No one is ever going to hire someone with that kind of a past and how many years do you think you are going to spend in jail? And not to mention the people who do the bad things we think about get treated the worst and hurt behind bars! You are not alone I can promise you that! I have also thought about ending it all because of any possible future shame. I am also on antidepressants so not sure if that just adds to it. I am here for you if you ever want to talk. Trust me anything you talk about isn't going to be something I haven't already thought about.
- Username
- hopehope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
thank you for this and i am so sorry you’re suffering with the same theme, having POCD feels like you’re alone and no one will every get it bc it’s such a serious topic and it’s scary. i suffer from intrusive horrible images and it’s hell, everyday i feel like a monster and i just want to curl up in a ball and die. the intrusive thoughts get so bad that i start panicking and everyday feels like a repeat of the last, i am always just sad or feel guilty, but i don’t want these thoughts, they make me feel evil and when i have them i feel disgusting. i literally would not wish this on my worst enemy. :(
- Username
- Anxietyking5150Anxietyking5150
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I'm right here with you
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hey, I know how this is. I feel the same way. Never in my life have I thought of worrying about something like this but now it's all I worry about and I fear I will go to jail and die there because of the past or the thoughts. I have real event and POCD so it's really a horrible combination
- Username
- hopehope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
you put my thoughts into words, i literally would never have expected this to be something i suffer with 2 years ago and now it’s consuming my life. even before that i had intrusive thoughts, but now it’s everyday and it’s pure pain. the best way to explain it is self sabotaging, i don’t control the thoughts, they just pop up in my head or take over my head when i am relaxed and it’s so overwhelming and scary, it’s like my brain is fighting itself and i am stuck watching myself go crazy and wasting away the days suffering with immense guilt over thoughts i don’t control :(
- Username
- BigGyro09BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hopeful You aren't controlling the thoughts, but you are reacting to them. And that alone can be hard to stop. You're so used to them coming and it's just not who you want to be. I sometimes feel like it's too late for me and if the people I loved knew about the problems I go through, they'd probably hate me. I hate my past self enough
- Username
- AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hopeful Omg, same!! I have this amazing life and the ocd sabotages me every f-Ing day! It was never like this and now i am hyper aware. Pure pain is exactly right . And so unfair . Im trying therapy but this is very uncomfortable so far but sticking with it. You’re not alone, and this app is helpful to talk to others. Thank you for sharing.🙏🏻
- Username
- hopehope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@BigGip09 that is true, one thing i hold on to is “pure OCD cant make you do anything” and i just always go back to that because the intrusive thoughts get so disgusting and traumatizing that i feel like i am “long gone” or “hopeless” but then i remember it’s just intrusive thoughts and i am not them and they can’t make me do anything i don’t want to do. :( if someone saw my intrusive thoughts and images they would paint me as a monster, meanwhile i don’t want them or make them up, they just force themselves into my head and it’s the most frustrating, uncomfortable feeling...i am just trying to hold on to the positives, sometimes it feels impossible to stay positive with this disorder, but it’s much better than isolating and blaming myself for things i can’t control.
- Username
- AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hi, I totally agree it’s pure suffering ! Yes, thoughts pop up and then I’m stuck in them, as if they pull me in! It’s so crazy. I feel like im sinking, it’s so hard to stay away from the thoughts because they feel so immediate and necessary to think About and suffer over. And they always so clever in luring me down the rabbit hole. I need to work hard on staying strong and not paying attention but also the feelings are so distressing too that I get in me body. Ugh! You’re not alone, totally with you , and staying hopeful!
- Username
- hopehope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
thank you so much! i appreciate this comment so much! it’s very isolating suffering with this, but it’s super nice to have people relate to this and i feel less alone. and you’re so right! it’s like i HAVE to think about it it’s so weird, i am learning not to take them seriously, it’s just super hard when it’s something so horrible like i feel like i can’t just ignore it :/
- Username
- AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Same ! I have HOCD and presents in same way, having a spiral now and feel awful urges, makes me feel just sick. My life is so good and this thing is ruining it. Just started therapy but it’s so hard. You are not alone!!🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
- Username
- hopehope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
thank you so much and i am so sorry, it’s a battle everyday, it truly makes me feel like a horrible person everyday but if i could i would stop the intrusive thoughts and images, they just pop up and take over my brain or i ruminate for hours and the intrusive thought gets worse and worse and i am panicking...pure OCD is pure suffering :(
Related posts
- Username
- hope
- Date posted
- 3y ago
trying to sit with the intrusive thoughts and fear, it’s so hard. i don’t want this. i just want to go back to my normal self who only focused on what i wanted to and not this shell of who i use to be dying to just live again. pocd is the worst theme, it’s taken over my life. every move i make i am just overthinking everything. my brain tells me lies and sometimes i am so afraid i question if i am just “in denial” it’s so terrifying. i feel so so so much guilt, i would and could never hurt a child, it hurts me to even think about it. it makes me feel evil that i have intrusive thoughts. my brain tells me i am “attracted” to kids even though i know i am not, it’s hell. i’ve been having a huge flare up, maybe bc i am on my period, but it’s super difficult lately. i visited my nephew this weekend and i had so much fun, but of course my pocd ruined it and put intrusive thoughts in my head and said i was “attracted” AND I AM NOT, i was disgusting like ACTUALLY HORRIFIED. i wanted to go home so badly and when i got home i just felt so much guilt. pocd has ruined me. i want to be a mom, i want to be an amazing aunt. why is this disorder attacking me so much. :(
- Username
- Anonymous
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 1y ago
POCD
Serious trigger warning here for POCD and suicide. I have these thoughts, urges, and feelings that are terrifying. I don’t act on them and I believe I would never act on them but it feels so real and horrible. I don’t know how this started and I want to believe I am a good person but I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible. And even just these thoughts scare me to my core and make me think, “oh what if I am a pedophile” even though I know I’m not, and I don’t know how to deal with them. When I can keep myself busy it gets easier to forget this stuff, but if I have downtime I can’t get it out of my head. I had a young girl, most likely middle school age, come into my work with her parents today and I was terrified of the idea that I could be attracted to her. I don’t believe I truly am but my thoughts get so aggressive that I don’t even know what to believe. I avoid a lot of things but sometimes you don’t have the option to avoid and it just gets things further stuck in my head and I end up fixating on awful things. I wake up with this stuff floating around my mind and I can’t get it to go away. I’ve even considered just ending it to all to make it easier on myself and to make sure that I never have the opportunity to act on these horrible thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever want to do these things and I know it may sound ridiculous, but the consequences of these actions I haven’t committed scare me as well such as people no longer trusting or loving me, prison, hurting someone else in any way, not being a good person, etc. I just can’t find anything that helps fix this. I have broken down many times due to this issue and I feel like it’ll never go away. I know killing my sled is not the answer and I know I will never act on any of this but the thoughts and feelings are so aggressive that I live in an almost constant state of fear of my own mind and body. I hate this. What did I do to deserve to suffer this way? Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal human thoughts and why of all forms of OCD did it’s have to be this one? I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me fix this before I lose hope.
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