*nsfw* I’m so scared I don’t truly enjoy intimacy with my partner. For me, I’ve always struggled with intimacy with my boyfriend even before these soocd/rocd thoughts. To give context, as a kid I was into some weird stuff. I liked bdsm and I’d read erotica about those fantasies. A lot of the times I’d look at the girl because I was familiar with the female body and seeing a real life male body part was pretty scary for my 9 year old self. Even in this time, I still wasn’t much into lesbian stuff. I came across it once or twice but it never caught my interest as much as straight porn or a girl going solo in bondage. The reason I liked the solo was because although I liked bdsm , the roughness of slapping and biting and pinching still kind of freaked me out. I wanted to be tied up and watching it was good. Whenever I fantasized about these things, I was always an observer or in the place of the girl. I’ve never fantasized about myself with a girl. Unfortunately, being exposed to this so young gave me the idea that women were supposed to be the sole focus of pleasure during intimacy. I also feel like I’m doing something wrong every time due to my grandma drilling into my head that intimacy before marriage is wrong. I also am terrified of ending up like my mom and having too many kids way too young. When my boyfriend and I first started doing things he was the first person I had every truly explored with. Our first kiss was amazing and I loved his gentleness. I loved his touch and it felt like a brand new side of myself. However, we never have had the proper place. We were silly teens and always went to the park at night since it was empty or other improper settings. This actually made me feel very vulnerable and unable to focus completely because the entire time I was worried someone was going to catch us. On top of that it was still so new to me and when it came to me reciprocating anything besides kissing. I wanted to but I was very afraid of messing up or not doing good. I still am. The male body is still just so unknown to me and although I want to explore a small part of me still wants to the run for hills with how scary and new it all is. I also get self conscious of my body and how I look or compare myself to his past partners. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to touch him, the pull just doesn’t come naturally to me and the stuff I used to read and watch was always focused on the girl receiving pleasure so I don’t know what it’s like to reciprocate. The first time I saw him fully naked during a phone call I was surprised by how nice his body was, but I don’t remember being turned on and when he’d send me videos it was still a bit awkward. I’ve also never orgasmed in my life before not even with myself , I get to a certain point where I just feel too overwhelmed and I stop before I reach the hill. However, all my fantasizes revolve around him, I can’t even watch porn anymore because I just start to think how much better itd be to fantasize with him. I truly love the idea of us being so close. But in person something always stops me, I’m just so hesitant/nervous and when my anxiety is high I can’t shut off my thoughts and outsides fears. When I rarely manage to truly truly let go I feel good about us and I truly want him like that. I’m just scared that everything else means the pull isn’t there and that I’m truly meant to be with a woman and that I’ll never get over my fear of being so intimate with a man.