Omg, loss of attraction is kicking my ass....

I'm serious. Any number less than zero, that's my attraction. Uhhhhh😫😫😫😫

@Jbm421 I know it’s impossible but I think when we give it less value it starts to get better. Maybe for now focus on your mental health and feeling happy and try and put the whole attraction thing to the side for now (again if this is a huge trigger for you this might be tricky, but that’s where erp comes in)

@MelodyMoo Exactly. How does one do ERP for this???

@Jbm421 Hmm good question tbf haha in awful at coming up with exposures I’m always asking my therapist! I guess writing a script/ making a loop tape of you saying things that trigger you like for example “my attraction might not come back” and saying it/ listening to it whilst not letting yourself do any compulsions could be a good one!

@MelodyMoo If that’s a really scary trigger for you tho don’t jump into that straight away, work up to it! Start with smaller ones :) maybe start by looking at the pride flag and then build up to lmreading your script and then build up even more to saying your script?

@MelodyMoo Maybe reading*

@MelodyMoo I do the loop tape (Admittedly not as much as I should). I'm use to the tape but I'm not sure I use it right.

@MelodyMoo ...and I just got triggered by a thought during ERP. I guess I'm learning to handle it well.

@Jbm421 Yeah I don’t do erp as much as I should, I put it off because I get so scared :( and are you feeling okay now?

@MelodyMoo I've been good and even leaving my house was good. But the gym triggered me. It's weird because the gym is triggering but I'm not getting anxiety. It's like my mind wants me to be much more triggered than I actually am. And the urge to check is still super strong. I fucking hate it with a passion.

@MelodyMoo But it's part of my exposure. Its difficult but not impossible. Gotta accept the thoughts. That's the rough part. It sucks because I saw some attraction come back but this is always on attack. Makes me fearful. It doesn't help that I had a moment of clarity last night and that's only reassurance. Oh well.

@Jbm421 It’s just the whole going up and down thing that we all experience in recovery! Dunno if you get this, but often I’m having a good day, but I have this horrible anxious feeling inside me all the time and it just reminds me of the thoughts like “you should be worrying about this/ you should be working this out” like it’s almost like I “feel gay” if that makes sense haha. Like I know it’s completely irrational and just my anxiety but it’s so horrible having this feeling throughout my body all the time

@MelodyMoo The up and down keeps me totally on edge and I totally get that "you should be freaking out" or "you should be worrying" when I dont react. That's a hallmark of OCD. If your brain sees, hears or thinks something that would normally send you freaking out, checking, ruminating etc. and you dont react, you brain rebels against you, trying to get a reaction. On good days, it feels like because I've spent so much time obsessing about this that you dont know what to do with yourself or you are intensely waiting for something or someone to trigger you. The thing is the brain only feels safe when you do these things when thoughts or triggers happen and you are doing all you can to shut your brain up. But not giving the brain that relief (and doing it over and over) is what gets us out of OCD.

@Jbm421 Yeah all what you said is so what I feel too, especially the whole “waiting to be triggered thing”, every time I step out the house I’m just waiting for something to set me off. I went to the mall yesterday and spent the whole time trying so hard to not look at women and “check” to see if I liked them, and of course because I was looking at them to check my brain then goes “well you’re looking at them so that just mean something”, it’s so exhausting

@MelodyMoo Yup. I just woke up to got to the store for my mom and I just got so depressed because of all the time I've lost, that this shit still gets to me almost wherever I go and that it took females from me. I'm just depressed.

@Jbm421 Are you seeing a therapist at the moment?

@MelodyMoo She's on vacation til the end of the month. I've doing better lately its just I got upset. Ive barely slept (maybe 2 1/2 hours) and I got a headache. Moments of weakness are to be expected.

@Jbm421 Awh I’m so sorry you’re having a hard time and you’re therapist is away. Try get some sleep if you can, I know even that’s scary sometimes. I also can never sleep (it’s currently 1am here haha) so I find naps help

@MelodyMoo Its 8pm in NYC. I'm relaxing at home. I've had an ok day all things considered. Only thing ruining it is my tooth ache, another splitting headache and complete loss of attraction. Like minus 10 lol... Trying not to let it bother me.

@Jbm421 You live in nyc?? That’s so cool!! Yeah try to accept that right now it’s not there abs that’s okay! I’ve just woken up and I’m trying so hard to not force myself to remember my dreams haha, I tend to worry I’ve dreamt about something and it’ll confirm my worries :(

@MelodyMoo I hate when it follows into my dreams. I'm annoyed. I try too hard when if it feels like I cant feel a thing for a female and I worry and get desperate. It always hits the hardest in the morning.

@Jbm421 Morning and the evenings for me are always the worst. I feel the same Dw, I haven’t had a crush on anyone in agesss due to the lockdown and stuff and of course it then attacks me saying it’s bc I’m gay or something. Honestly sometimes I wish relationships just didn’t exists so I didn’t have to think about this stuff, or I wish I was just a dog or something hahah

@MelodyMoo I hear that. I'm out and about all day, and cant feel a damn thing. I got a head ache as a result. Worse part is I'm getting in shape and I'm handsome (not to toot my own horn) so I feel it's a waste. Makes me feel like drinking or smoking weed or something to escape. But I haven't smoked in a few years and I haven't drank in a month. Shit sucks. I'm not a greedy man. I just want one lady but I cant feel a damn thing.

@MelodyMoo Sometimes I like my mind and the universe are working against me.

@Jbm421 I feel you it sucks :(( today’s been so hard for me, I feel like it’s all true :(

@MelodyMoo I understand ma. Try this for today. Everytime it says "it's all true" say "hey who knows? Sure, whatever." I've been doing it for a while and while I'm not perfect and shitty moments pop up, I leave them as that...shitty moments. Also, today every other female is looking good so I'm good. Dont give up hope.

@Jbm421 I’ll give that a go! And I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better today :)

@MelodyMoo You'll be fine. Try to avoid stress wherever you go. Allow for some self care and "me" time, drink plenty of water and get as much sleep as you can.

@Jbm421 Will do! I find myself spending so much time on my phone atm which probs doesn’t help, think it’s one huge checking compulsion and avoidance compulsion at the same time haha

@MelodyMoo Oh absolutely. I'm trying not to spend time on here too. But I've had the urge since in the last hour after doing ERP, the thoughts have been building but I'm just taking it in stride. Its difficult and feels all too real but I'm just sitting with it. It's all I can do.

@Jbm421 Sounds like you’re doing so so well! I’m avoiding doing erp rn bc I’m scared haha

@MelodyMoo Only as well as I can. I know doing ERP can trigger me. But if I start avoiding it I will start to sink lower and I cant have that. Just like avoiding people will bring me low. Just now I got triggered by some gay dudes but I'm just trying to leave it at that. What I gotta stop are the checking compulsions.

@MelodyMoo I will tell you this. The headaches this crap gives me are insane.

@Jbm421 Yeah the checking compulsions are the worsttt I do the subconsciously now it’s so baddd

@MelodyMoo I try to force myself not to and that causes anxiety as well. But I'm learning to sit with that as well.

@Jbm421 I just did a 9 level suds exposure, trying so bad not to freak out rn

@MelodyMoo Just breathe. I wish I could help more but I'm in the midst of bad triggers. I'm in the gym and I've been triggered so many times, did so much checking and so worried because of zero attraction. Got so bad at one point I was convinced it was all true.

@Jbm421 I get that convinced daunting feeling a lot too, I guess we both just need to sit with the uncertainty right now, and not do compulsions

@MelodyMoo Feels like life or death especially in the moment. Like you will never get outta that moment. Gotta keep pushing through. Dont what its gonna take.

@Jbm421 Yes literally rn I’ve got this gross feeling all over my body and a lump In my throat (I’ve had a little cry haha). I wish I knew everyone on this app in real life so I could just rn to everyone for a hug 😂😂

@MelodyMoo Yeah I feel like crying right now. Doing ERP to one picture that at first bothered me but then stop bothering me and now it's bothering you working over now. It's times like this where I feel like I'm past the Tipping Point and it's only inevitable. And I got to be at work for 8 hours with this and all I do at work is still it's all I have time for. I'm in hell again 😭

@Jbm421 Take deep breaths, well done for doing erp even tho you’re not feeling great! Don’t see bad days as a step back, see them as an opportunity to try out your erp techniques!

I feel the same dw, they do same sometimes with erp it gets worse before it gets better

@MelodyMoo It's worse. About to do ERP now. That pic that's triggering me is part of it. I get stupid shit in my head as I either go to the gym or do exposures like "will this turn me?" Its ridiculous. I think the most ridiculous part of this is when ONE thing (could be a person, a thought or an image) consistently triggers but that one thing is not as bad as some of the more extreme exposures you've done.

@Jbm421 I get that will this turn me thought too whilst doing erp. I was convinced the one I did tonight would. And yeah I hate when small triggers attack rather than the big ones haha, feels so much like a step back- but it’s not!

@MelodyMoo It makes me laugh a little. Because then I look at the big triggers and those triggers not triggering me let's me see them for what they are. I did an ERP and the anxiety along with the thoughts almost convinced me. And then just now, I got triggered by dude at my job and the anxiety tried again. Fuck that I'm chilling the fuck out.