I’m just so fuckin pissed. I don’t understand why I’m being triggered. I’m not fuckin gay. I’m never going to fuck a dude I’m never going to ask a guy out or hold there hand or kiss them or any of that shit. I just have weird thoughts that pop up when I see a girl now which causes this fucking endless arousal feeling cuz I just can’t see a girl like regular anymore. I get that. There isn’t a perfect erp for this ocd. Yes there’s times to where I can get a visual of a women and get an erection thinking about sex with a girl but I know it doesn’t stop my ocd of the stupid shit that pops up. Cuz I can go out and see a girl and boom there’s my ocd again saying “dick” or saying “dude” I’m not an idiot I understand this it’s never going to stop it’s never going away it’s going to be there and I have to live with this the rest of my life. I just want to stop being triggered in purpose cuz it’s not helping it’s just not. It’s just taking me away from being able to do something I love which is working out and being able to go to work to so I can workout. I know my life will never be normal again but I would just like peace and quiet when I come home from work so I can go to bed and wake up in the morning feeling good enough to go workout and go to work that is all I ask. I know I’m never going to be the same and live a normal life again I understand that but if I can have some normalcy of going to the gym and going to work then I will be just happy with that.

It’s not that I don’t want to be gay I’m just not. I am attracted to women but I just have ocd thoughts that get in the way of it. I need a higher level of care so I’ve been told but I’m not able to get a higher level of care so just seeing an outpatient therapist isn’t going to work which I’m fine with. In a perfect world I’ll workout, go to work and go to therapy to keep me sane but no therapist in Colorado wants to see me or doesn’t really know how to help me which is why I’ve been referred to seek a higher level of care but like I said I’m not able to. My life is what it is.

That stuff doesn’t work for my ocd. I just have ocd that prevents me from being fully ok which I’m fine with. I can continue to live with it being the way it is. I can continue to workout and work. All this unnecessary triggers for no reason at all is just going to get me to not try at all. I know I won’t be able to have a relationship with my ocd being the way it is it’s just not going to work but I’ll be ok without one. I know I won’t ever have my dream job cuz of my ocd but at least I’ll have a job. I’m ok with just being a fit and healthy guy with a job at least. I’m just tired of being purposely triggered as if I’m somehow going to be better than how I am right now. It’s just not going to happen and I’m ok with that. It’s been like this for 2 and a half years so it is what it is now. Only difference is my previous therapist is aware of everything now and is asking a lot from other people to trigger me. I don’t know why. I’m forever going to be stuck the way I am. There isn’t really a thing a therapist can do about it. I’ve accepted this and just at least want to workout and have a job knowing I’ll never actually fully get better. I’m always going to compulse and always have to do some form of erp to alleviate some anxiety in me and that is all I can do. I’m not going to be who I was before ocd I’m just not.

@Issac11 I think you have a really bad outlook on this and it’s hurting you. You can get better. But if you’re already deciding you can’t and that you aren’t going to get help then you’re now allowing yourself to get better. I hope you can practice erp and accepting that your thoughts may or may not be true so you can continue your normal life