i just heard something that said “you CAN control your thoughts” and now i am worrying that i purposely have horrible disgusting “p” thoughts and i am a evil person inside. lately i have been in a really mentally dark place, everyday feels repetitive, trying to deal with the anxiety of these thoughts and the CONSTANT gut wrenching guilt that comes with them and feeling unworthy of living. it’s been hell to say the least. i feel like i am genuinely messed up and i have no chance at fixing myself and it’s causing me so much pain internally. i can’t sleep at night, i can’t think normally, i can’t be myself. i feel horrible, i can’t afford therapy and it’s hard to really be real about this kinda stuff bc most wouldn’t understand, it’s self sabotaging and i am not living. i am so grateful for my life, i want to be a mom one day and enjoy motherhood and be happy, but ocd ruins it all for me. i am up until 3am having panic attacks over thoughts that i don’t want, i am wasting away my life just worrying and being guilty and feeling like i am not a good person and i am TERRIFIED. just wanted to let this out and share this so someone doesn’t feel alone or feel like they have “worse” thoughts so they must not have ocd bc i have TERRIBLE HORRIBLE DISTURBING TRAUMATIZING intrusive thoughts and i can’t even tell you how much pain i am in....

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I have this all the time. It’s hard when you are worried you might like them. Then it gets sticky and becomes hell. I understand and I am sorry. All will be wel and we will get THROUGH

hope

Date posted: 4y

thank you, yeah it’s pure hell when the ocd just gets deeper and deeper and you realize your stuck in a horrible mental cycle :( but i have hope to that well get better! thank you! :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I can relate to this! I feel that mine happens in waves though. When I am distracted or busy I don’t focus too much on my thoughts. But when I have time to relax my thoughts take over my free time and I find it hard to recharge since I’m always engaged in some type of inner battle with my thoughts. My intrusive thoughts are very odd, vivid and disturbing. I feel that by thinking these thoughts I’m some kind of monster or sick individual who can’t be trusted or who doesn’t deserve to have certain blessings or positive people in my life. I find that if I find something triggers me I can use what I learned in therapy to face it and stay in the trigger until I feel my anxiety going down. This seems to be working for me and helps me get through that unpleasant feeling when I start to feel bad or guilty about my thoughts.

hope

Date posted: 4y

thank you for your advice :) it’s nice to have someone that understands me and relates because it’s such a horrible thing to deal with alone. i totally get the being distracted thing because mine ALWAYS attacks me at night when i am relaxed in my room, it just comes nonstop and GROSS vivid thoughts just pop up and i am just sitting there having that internal battle trying to just let them pass but it’s so hard. i deal with like immense guilt and it’s hard to sleep at night, i know it’s ocd because i know i don’t come up with these thoughts or ask for them, but it’s hard to let go of that guilt when it’s this specific theme. :(

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@hopeful The mind can play many tricks! Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

hope

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous same to you :)

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