How is it possible that for so much of my relationship I could feel so confidently in love and attracted to my male partner, then suddenly, almost if by magic overnight, I questioned the validity of every second of it, even of the moments in the past when I had head over heels feelings for guys and longed for them endlessly? How is it possible that I went from infatuated with my bf every second to questioning whether I'll ever know for sure that I genuinely like men? This is the worst torture I have ever known as a human, and I was seriously abused by my parents my whole childhood, so to say this is worse is saying a lot. The worst feeling in the world is feeling constantly dissociated around my boyfriend to the point that he feels like a stranger, feeling as if every perceived good moment with him in the past was all but an illusion or a repressed trick I played upon myself because I was unaware of some truth. These are the scripts that play through my head 24/7 with no relief. I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. I'm afraid I'll never enjoy life again like I once did with my partner.

An intrusive thought about your sexuality? (If you don’t mind me asking)

@EC Oh 100%. The random thought “am I a lesbian” popped into my head and next morning my panic attack sent me to the ER. From there, it’s been a part of my life to varying degrees. My period makes it a million times worse, so does eating gluten, dairy, or too much caffeine or sugar. Mine seemed to come from a bad bc reaction which made me gain like 30 pounds in a month and that’s when the SOOCD hit. Intrusive Thoughts about thinking I’m definitely gay, want to leave my husband, want to experiment, intrusive images playing over and over again of women being intimate. It’s insane how this could wreak such havoc when my whole life I’ve been comfortable, fulfilled, and happy being straight.

@mallorycg4 Wow, yeah, I can definitely relate. 🤯 I was very happy and content in a 7 year relationship and a few weeks after he proposed, I started having intrusive thoughts like you described what if we’re just meant to be best friends? What if I’m a lesbian? And thoughts of not wanting to be with him anymore. It was absolutely brutal and the most distressing thing I’ve ever experienced. I kept compulsing to try to get some certainty/“figure out” my intrusive thoughts and one month later, my brain was still stuck on the same thoughts. So I ended it. :( And then my OCD just latched on to the rest of my identity (sexuality, gender identity, etc.) making me question EVERYTHING about myself. It has been a nightmare. And it’s like it happened overnight - went from normal and feeling like myself (mild OCD for years without realizing) and then a switch flipped.

@EC Oh no! I am so sorry, that sounds so horrible. I went ahead with my wedding because I knew in my heart that before all of this I knew who I was and that I’m still here underneath all this OCD crap. I can totally relate, as though overnight my whole world was flipped upside down and taken from me. I remember being so confident and happy with who I was and I’ve definitely lost that since the OCD. Have you told him you have OCD?

@mallorycg4 Yes I have told him. He is so hurt by all of this and doesn’t understand (which I understand because it’s just so bizarre.) I have hope that maybe we will get back together but know this time I’m taking to try to get my OCD manageable is important. The whole situation was equally stressful for both of us.

@EC I’m so sorry! It’s very important to take time for yourself and put the work in to get better so you’re doing it right!

I would love to hear your experience. It’s such a relief to not be alone in this!

@EC I’ve been with him for four years and when he propose I fell apart. all of the intrusive thoughts popped it into my head. “ is he the one? or am I supposed to be with him? is this how I should feel? am I actually happy? for a good two weeks I was sad, I wanted to break up with him so bad, but he such such a good guy he stuck with me through my lows and here we are still engaged. I think back to when he asked me to move in with him. The intrusive thoughts came up then, but I went ahead with it and it’s been perfect ever since until he proposed. I am working through it and it hurts every day. it’s a struggle. when I’m at work I ask myself if I miss him? or if I’m excited to see him? I just can’t help but think I am going to feel like this forever but I’m still pushing through it because I know I want to be with him and do all of the things. before he proposed we were drawing up house plans and getting ready to start building and as soon as he proposed I started asking myself should I be building a house with him? it’s a work in progress for sure and the past couple of weeks have really put myself first and started taking time to get to know myself again. Natalie, @anxiouslovecoach on instagram has a podcast documenting her relationship and how OCD played a part in her relationship and I listen to them over and over again. it truly helps knowing that other people are going through the same thing! We will get through it💗

@Anonymous Thank you so much for sharing 🙏🏼 Did it become hard to picture your future with him? I noticed I would keep checking to see if I could picture my future with him and sometimes I could, sometimes not and it would cause me so much distress/confusion.

@EC yes! it is all a blur, before I could see our future so clearly but now it’s so cloudy. I think for me reality set in and I’m starting to realize that my relationship isn’t a fairytale. that my partner is not perfect and now I wake up every morning telling myself that I choose him. it’s a never ending battle between fearing the what if and love for me and I always have to remind myself that love is greater than fear. if you don’t conquer your fears then what’s the point? it’s not a way to live. I sit there and tell myself all these things and sometimes I feel better but these are the things that have gotten me through my worst.