LONG STORY AHEAD: Hey everybody, I'm 20m. Turns out I have OCD, and my first battle with it was in 2018, when my father was diagnosed with atrial flutter. I was also sick with a stomach issue of some kind, and felt, "Huh, maybe I should look up symptoms and see." Big mistake. What followed after was months of terror, panic, and depression. I thought I had stomach cancer, colon cancer, brain cancer, etc. And to top it all off, I struggled with my dad's condition, wondering if a boy was gonna lose his biggest hero and best friend. I wondered if he did, would I see him again? Is there a God? Is there purpose? What is the meaning of life? What is my purpose? I started therapy and began to recover bit by bit and it turns out, my dad was alright and I reconnected my faith in God. In July of 2019, I had an intrusive thought about a child performing a sexual act on me which scared the shit out of me. It didn't become an obsession by this time however. A few weeks later, I watched Stranger Things and one of the younger characters wore shorts and their thighs were showing, and I looked at thought, "Am I a pedophile?" Again, I felt extreme terror and anxiety along with many, many disgusting thoughts and feelings. I felt like a monster. I wanted to end my life. I never wanted to hurt a child or have anything bad happen to them, because it's simply wrong and disgusting. The feelings of denial, false attraction, and sensations were fucking awful and I wanted it to end. Things got better but it was a thing I struggled with for a while until early 2021. Finally, I dealt with HOCD in February 2021. I was playing a game and recorded footage. The video game character grunted in pain and my brain immediately said "That's hot." and I was immediately like, ..."am I gay?" Same process. Intrusive thoughts, feelings, sensations, and images cropped up. I have no problem with homosexuality or anything, I am not a bigot but I just didn't want thoughts like this at all. Immediately after, TOCD began. It was a simple question. "Am I transgender?" after seeing a trans related post on Twitter. I freaked out but was able to put the thought to rest. It returned however, when seeing some of my coworkers talking to each other and feeling alone, my brain said "I bet if I was a girl, they would talk to me." and this freaked me out bad. I didn't want to be a girl, I didn't want to be trans, I wanted to be a man. Ever since then, it's been a very unfun ride. I have to reaffirm to myself and check that I I do in fact, enjoy being a male and don't want to transition or anything like that. But it feels real. It feels like a feminine/female force is inside me now. It is terrifying and enjoyable The thoughts get scary as fuck and it's hard as fuck. I hope someone else experiences this and can relate. Thank you for reading.