i havent really struggled with my HOCD since my last session in January, but i’ve kept having random moments where i keep asking myself if im a lesbian i know theres nothing wrong with it and even when i was younger i didnt think it was a big deal because you love who you love. and thats why i used to think i was pan bc ive never had feelings for a woman. but ive always believed if it feels good, go for it. i was so ok with finding women attractive but being touchy with him grossed me out and i dont really like the idea of actually dating a woman. i guess that caused my confusion on whether i was actually gay or not because it should be something you WANT, right? and i guess it would be easier for me to accept the possibility of me being gay if it felt good but i feel BAD like i know i shouldnt but i was kind of testjng myself by watching lesbian porn and masturbating to it. and seeing if it felt good. and then i felt like it did and i started to cry and think to myself “omg i am a lesbian” if i enjoy this 😭😭 ive never really watched lesbian porn but i can remember moments when i was little where i was attracted to the female body sexually. but never felt those feelings for anyone in real life. then with men i dont really see their bodies in a sexual way. ive only ever liked men, wanted to be around them all the time, and imagined a future with a man. like falling in love with them felt so amazing and the attraction is undeniable its just hard bc i wish i was unfazed by lesbian stuff like i used to be. bc now it makes my chest hurt and makes me wonder if im repressing myself but i know i truly dont want to be with a woman. but i cry at the thought of being a lesbian??? its so confusing bc i wonder if it all means something.. i wonder if i should meet with my NOCD therapist again 😭