I have hocd and it has to do with the fact that I started watching transsexual porn. I am a straight male and this does not go with how I really feel. I am very much attracted to women. Has anyone here had problems watching certain types of porn that don't align with your sexual identity? I would watch straight porn to check myself to make sure I was still attracted to women. Or check them out in public and be like yeah of course I like women. Also, what's really killing me is I think my sister in law has see the porn I watch and I'm afraid she has told my fiancees whole family. She has used my computer before and I just think she stumbled across something. I can't get it out of my head, I belive that my fiancees family knows the porn I watched and is trying to drop hints that I am gay. Like I think they're leaving dick shaped things around the house on purpose when they come over. They literally wrote the word GAY and underlined it for me to see once in my house...I am now avoiding them when I can and I get anxious around them. I just wouldn't want my fiancee to find out in a way that would upset her. If she is going to know what I'm going through, I'd want to be the one to tell her and hope she understands. This is devastating. Sorry for the long post. Thanks guys.

The only problem I guess would be that I am not 100 % sure they know, but it really seems like they do. That's why I'm so torn. If I confront them and they know they might deny it and then I just admitted it. If they didn't actually see anything and it's all in my head then again I just admitted it and my fiancee would know if her family decides to tell her... I really think they do know and they are leaving these hints, but I can't be totally sure. That's what's getting to me. I want to say something because it is an invasion of privacy. If I end up saying anything I guess I could just say hey yeah it was a curiosity and I watched it, so what. Thanks for the comment

It has happened to me as well. Any respectful sexologist will tell you it is normal. However I need to ask did you use porn a lot? I started watching pron that don't align with my sexuality as I made great use of porn for many years. That caused me to become bored of the normal porn and i was seeking something more shocking/taboo. However i never wanted to be with another man or trans person in real life. Cut porn off your life man it can really destroy you. It is not natural at all. It can lead people to do unwanted stuff. Porn and sexual fantasies are not reality. Except of same sex and tranny porn I used to watch violent stuff that i would never do in real life. Porn damages our brain.

So I have finished the main part of the nocd program. I'm still talking to my therapist from time to time. I guess maintenance phase. I have been going through a lot. I'm was still getting triggered by my fiances family, but I would do the thought prevention. I know I can't be 100 percent certain. So I have been trying so much. I've done exposures. It got to the point where I wasn't avoiding her family anymore but I was still getting triggered. I dealt with it. The problem is that my mental problems that revolve around my fiances family has taken a toll on her. She has been depressed because of is. She doesn't trust me anymore. I wanted to tell her what I've been going through. I mean everything. So I did. I told her that I watched transexual porn. She started asking a lot of questions. She was upset, but I told her that I wasn't gay it was just the the porn I watched escalated. I would never do something with a guy or transsexual person in reality. I told her that I'm attracted women and that I am so attracted to her and always have been. Our sex life is great. The only problem is I'm addicted to this specific type of porn. Ever since I told her it feels like things have been different. She doesn't look at me the same. For months she's been distant. We have been fighting a lot recently because my mental health has been real bad and it's making her sad too. She said she tried to understand but she definitely doesn't like that I got into that porn. Basically she called off the marriage and she's saying it's because of something from our past that she can't get over. We had broken up about 10 years ago and were apart for 8 months. She slept with other people and I ended sleeping with one of her best friends. We got back together and I didn't tell her. I didn't tell her for 5 years. I lied to her about it because she asked. I still lied. It was the worst thing I ever did and I hate myself for it. How could I do that to someone I love so much. I have begged for forgiveness and apologized a thousand times. She eventually told me that she would let it go so we can move forward in our relation ship and she did. Well now that I'm going through all this now and telling her about the porn, she brought up the past. She says she's leaving me because of what happened 10 years ago and how I lied. But it seems like she's using it as an excuse because she can't accept what I'm going through right now. It feels like she doesn't see me as the man she thought I was. We were supposed to get married and start a family and I ruined it all.