Hey I really need someone to help me so please reply if you can. But basically I'm still getting LOADS of intrusive thoughts about this theme, but the thing is I have zero distress about it. The idea still bothers me and i still realise i don't want to be with a girl, but even imagining scenarios does not bother me at all anymore. Like i realise it is not that bad so i don't need to be disgusted by it but the fact that I'm not disgusted by it anymore makes me feel like i want it or something. I just want to be with a man.

Nour04

Date posted: 4y

heyy i heard that this is called a backdoor spike and it's because you have been doing better so your ocd comes up with a new way to annoy you and it goes like "what if i like it that's why i am not anxious anymore" "what if it was never hocd" "what if i was in denial and i am starting to accept it" this is just your ocd coming up with a new way to annoy you i get that a lot especially recently as of today lmao but just know you're doing great

ewaedb

Date posted: 4y

But it's weird because I thought if I am getting better I'd also have wayyyy fewer intrusive thoughts. And I did for a day or two but now there are just as many as before just without the let's call it disgust and even when I get anxious about that it could mean it's true it's not the anxiety where I start having a panic attack it's just like omg what if it's true I don't want it to be true but not thatttt much anxiety around it if that makes sense. Also since you say its called a backdoor spike, is there any way to get rid of it or make it less intense? Thanks so much for your reply by the way, I really needed it.

Nour04

Date posted: 4y

@ewaedb i totally understand everything you've written and i totally relate to that i got fewer thoughts for about 2-3 days then just as you said everything else started happening to me exactly as you described it i don't think there's a way to make anything "go away" because as you know ocd is intrusive but also uncontrollable thoughts trying to control them will make things worse i would hate to say this but it's true: try sitting with the anxiety i know how horrible and exhausting it is but any other way would aggravate the situation it's so difficult i know and i wish i could help more

ewaedb

Date posted: 4y

@Nour04 As in the anxiety that it could be true? I don't know I'm just finding it very hard to accept that these thoughts could be true, because it just feels so wrong to me. I do think I'm doing better, but there was almost a comfort in getting uncomfortable by the thoughts because that proved to me that they weren't true in a sense. I also thought that when you get better you are also supposed to have less of these thoughts aghhhh. I know in a way I'm repeating myself it's just so aggravating.

Nour04

Date posted: 4y

@ewaedb no it's fine and yeah i find comfort in the anxiety because at least it proves i don't want that

Nik07

Date posted: 4y

The intrusive thoughts themselves don't leave easily. Even if you don't have anxiety anymore (which is a sign of getting better) the intrusive thoughts will only let go once you truly accept. You need to accept the thoughts. If you try to fight them, put logic to them, analyze them or avoid them they will stay and become even stronger. The only way to make the fade away is by accepting it. Say "Yes i want to be with a woman" or "So what" something that will mske the thoughts lose their power. Once you do that you'll be able to break free. Its a tough process.

ewaedb

Date posted: 4y

Yeah I understand what you mean and it actually makes me feel better, thank you! I'm really trying it's just so hard to accept the thoughts. Have you found a way to do that easily? I'm guessing not, it's just a really tough process.

Nik07

Date posted: 4y

@ewaedb Not really an easy way. It has to take time and power in order to make it. For me the support of my girlfriend was a great way to get over it. I was very open to her about it and that helped me get iver the thoughts over time as saying yhe thoughts out loud to someone actually makes them a lot weaker. After I said my girlfriend about the thoughts they become much less significant and they slowly started to fade away.

Susan4444

Date posted: 4y

Sounds like a back door spike. Did you ever see A Beautiful Mind at the end where he walks right by his old imaginary friends? They are still there but he doesn’t pay them attention or believe in them. I like to think of the intrusive thoughts like those friends. (Trigger warning for anyone with schisophrenia ocd it might be triggering movie)

misereri

Date posted: 21w

Urgent: i need yalls opinion

Sometimes I think " do I like kids?" "Would i get aroused if I saw content with kids?""What if I'm a pedo and cant accept it?" "What if I'm ok with these thoughts?" "What if I'm not distressed enough " "What if I enjoy these thoughts?" , i avoid kids as much as i can, i cant look at them bc I'm scared I'm gonna have some groin like response. I keep testing if I'd get turned on or if I'd have some groinal response to sexual scenarios with kids. Sometimes I think that if I took my life this would be over and i wouldn't have to think about this and i wish i doubted something else instead of things like this. I had similar situations just with different topics such as if i loved or found sexually appealing a guy while in a relationship and i kept asking myself those questions for months and i avoided going to school for weeks and when I went I'd cry and have anxiety attacks. I had it with past actions i obessed over and felt the need to exploit every detail and be honest because otherwise i was being a fraud. I had it for sexual things that happened when i was a child. Im not diagnosed with ocd but should i tell this to my local counselor? Can someone help? Give me advice or tell me anything?

POCD

Elliesmith

Date posted: 19w

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

misereri

Date posted: 18w

Someone to talk to?please?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?

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