- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
heyy i heard that this is called a backdoor spike and it's because you have been doing better so your ocd comes up with a new way to annoy you and it goes like "what if i like it that's why i am not anxious anymore" "what if it was never hocd" "what if i was in denial and i am starting to accept it" this is just your ocd coming up with a new way to annoy you i get that a lot especially recently as of today lmao but just know you're doing great
- Date posted
- 4y
But it's weird because I thought if I am getting better I'd also have wayyyy fewer intrusive thoughts. And I did for a day or two but now there are just as many as before just without the let's call it disgust and even when I get anxious about that it could mean it's true it's not the anxiety where I start having a panic attack it's just like omg what if it's true I don't want it to be true but not thatttt much anxiety around it if that makes sense. Also since you say its called a backdoor spike, is there any way to get rid of it or make it less intense? Thanks so much for your reply by the way, I really needed it.
- Date posted
- 4y
@ewaedb i totally understand everything you've written and i totally relate to that i got fewer thoughts for about 2-3 days then just as you said everything else started happening to me exactly as you described it i don't think there's a way to make anything "go away" because as you know ocd is intrusive but also uncontrollable thoughts trying to control them will make things worse i would hate to say this but it's true: try sitting with the anxiety i know how horrible and exhausting it is but any other way would aggravate the situation it's so difficult i know and i wish i could help more
- Date posted
- 4y
@Nour04 As in the anxiety that it could be true? I don't know I'm just finding it very hard to accept that these thoughts could be true, because it just feels so wrong to me. I do think I'm doing better, but there was almost a comfort in getting uncomfortable by the thoughts because that proved to me that they weren't true in a sense. I also thought that when you get better you are also supposed to have less of these thoughts aghhhh. I know in a way I'm repeating myself it's just so aggravating.
- Date posted
- 4y
@ewaedb no it's fine and yeah i find comfort in the anxiety because at least it proves i don't want that
- Date posted
- 4y
The intrusive thoughts themselves don't leave easily. Even if you don't have anxiety anymore (which is a sign of getting better) the intrusive thoughts will only let go once you truly accept. You need to accept the thoughts. If you try to fight them, put logic to them, analyze them or avoid them they will stay and become even stronger. The only way to make the fade away is by accepting it. Say "Yes i want to be with a woman" or "So what" something that will mske the thoughts lose their power. Once you do that you'll be able to break free. Its a tough process.
- Date posted
- 4y
Yeah I understand what you mean and it actually makes me feel better, thank you! I'm really trying it's just so hard to accept the thoughts. Have you found a way to do that easily? I'm guessing not, it's just a really tough process.
- Date posted
- 4y
@ewaedb Not really an easy way. It has to take time and power in order to make it. For me the support of my girlfriend was a great way to get over it. I was very open to her about it and that helped me get iver the thoughts over time as saying yhe thoughts out loud to someone actually makes them a lot weaker. After I said my girlfriend about the thoughts they become much less significant and they slowly started to fade away.
- Date posted
- 4y
Sounds like a back door spike. Did you ever see A Beautiful Mind at the end where he walks right by his old imaginary friends? They are still there but he doesn’t pay them attention or believe in them. I like to think of the intrusive thoughts like those friends. (Trigger warning for anyone with schisophrenia ocd it might be triggering movie)
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 11w
I feel like the thoughts and feelings are getting stronger, to the point where they feel like they are my own and that I want them and want them to happen. Recently I’ve even had feelings of ‘wanting to be gay’ and that I ‘don’t want to be straight’, or that being with a woman would be nice even though that’s literally the one thing I don’t want otherwise I wouldn’t be constantly thinking about it day after day surely and if I wanted it I would just know? I feel numb and sick and terrified that I’ll just be what I’ve feared all this time. Why does my brain do this. I feel like I’ve lost so much already, I couldn’t concentrate on university work and I’ve had to delay my degree for a year, I’ve lost my purpose, and I feel so ashamed that I can’t tell anyone the real reason for it (I just told everyone the course was too much stress and was causing me anxiety) and it just feels like it’s getting worse to the point that it’s actually coming true, and I’m going to have to leave my boyfriend because I can’t be with him anymore. Why do the thoughts sometimes feel good? Why does it feel like real attraction? Why why why does it feel like DISAPPOINTMENT with the idea of never being with a woman wtf this is literally what I don’t want and never have? Even just writing that out my brain is telling me ‘it is’ and ‘I’m lying’ and I just can’t even believe myself anymore. I’ve tried telling myself the whole maybe maybe not but it just doesn’t work. It feels like if I accept I like woman I’ll want to be with one and leave him. Why does the idea of being with a man not fill me with excitement like it used to why do labels terrify me I genuinely just want to give up I still haven’t even told anyone about this cause I just feel like they won’t understand and that they will just think I’m struggling with my sexuality and the worst thing is I don’t even know what I want anymore cause of the thoughts and feelings I don’t know what to believe what if I am actually just struggling with my sexuality cause nothing feels right anymore
- Date posted
- 10w
Is there something wrong with me if I’m not disgusted by my intrusive thoughts anymore like the disgust feeling has been gone for months now and why are my thoughts feel like they’re literally so close happening inside my brain why can I lowkey physically feel the images of that makes sense,Why do I get adrenaline why do I get a weird tingle my lips sometimes make an awkward like position when I get the thoughts it’s like I’m having a glitch idek which thought is intentional which one is intrusive but there bad thoughts and I don’t want them to be the truth about me but I literally cannot get myself to just feel relaxed even if they’re present like I actually get genuine headaches and feel uneasy for hours after having intrusive thoughts and I hate how it’s always the same kinda thoughts and sensations feelings etc around those thoughts out of nowhere when I’m just chilling they come in before when I had it is be like okay ew weird thought now I’m like what if I actually like this and I’m in denial uGHHH HATE MY BRAIN
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