Hey I really need someone to help me so please reply if you can. But basically I'm still getting LOADS of intrusive thoughts about this theme, but the thing is I have zero distress about it. The idea still bothers me and i still realise i don't want to be with a girl, but even imagining scenarios does not bother me at all anymore. Like i realise it is not that bad so i don't need to be disgusted by it but the fact that I'm not disgusted by it anymore makes me feel like i want it or something. I just want to be with a man.

But it's weird because I thought if I am getting better I'd also have wayyyy fewer intrusive thoughts. And I did for a day or two but now there are just as many as before just without the let's call it disgust and even when I get anxious about that it could mean it's true it's not the anxiety where I start having a panic attack it's just like omg what if it's true I don't want it to be true but not thatttt much anxiety around it if that makes sense. Also since you say its called a backdoor spike, is there any way to get rid of it or make it less intense? Thanks so much for your reply by the way, I really needed it.

@ewaedb i totally understand everything you've written and i totally relate to that i got fewer thoughts for about 2-3 days then just as you said everything else started happening to me exactly as you described it i don't think there's a way to make anything "go away" because as you know ocd is intrusive but also uncontrollable thoughts trying to control them will make things worse i would hate to say this but it's true: try sitting with the anxiety i know how horrible and exhausting it is but any other way would aggravate the situation it's so difficult i know and i wish i could help more

@Nour04 As in the anxiety that it could be true? I don't know I'm just finding it very hard to accept that these thoughts could be true, because it just feels so wrong to me. I do think I'm doing better, but there was almost a comfort in getting uncomfortable by the thoughts because that proved to me that they weren't true in a sense. I also thought that when you get better you are also supposed to have less of these thoughts aghhhh. I know in a way I'm repeating myself it's just so aggravating.

@ewaedb no it's fine and yeah i find comfort in the anxiety because at least it proves i don't want that

Yeah I understand what you mean and it actually makes me feel better, thank you! I'm really trying it's just so hard to accept the thoughts. Have you found a way to do that easily? I'm guessing not, it's just a really tough process.

@ewaedb Not really an easy way. It has to take time and power in order to make it. For me the support of my girlfriend was a great way to get over it. I was very open to her about it and that helped me get iver the thoughts over time as saying yhe thoughts out loud to someone actually makes them a lot weaker. After I said my girlfriend about the thoughts they become much less significant and they slowly started to fade away.