I dont know what to do now. I am starting to obsess about people and even government or police about discovering my web browser. I already knew that nothing is Impossible when It comes for technology. And the thing is, I really never searched about anything illegal, but I think that usually normal things that I searched are wrong, unethical or even illegal. Some years ago when I first developed my pocd, I ended up destroying a Hard Drive I had on my really older PC that I didnt even used for years anymore. I obsessed a lot about It. Told my mom, my father and sister and even a pastor about It. Its was like 2018 I guess and when I used to go out of my house I would panicking while being or even passing by a child. I had many intrusive thoughts that would say this or that and even images that tortured me for the past years and made me believe I was really a monster. I think most part of the reason why my pocd started was because a event that happened on my life, a mistakes I made when I was a child. Basically I have a older sister, that is like almost 10 years older and I was only 12 I think in the time when I disrespected her, as all my family used to sleep together because in the time we didnt had the financial condition of having other bedrooms. I dont think going in details os worth It, and even can make my ocd worse, because I am venting here, but also confessing. It happened I dont know, many times, but so long that this happened and eventually I got caught. And this was good because know I am a better person and better man, my family corrected me and showed me the right path to follow. I have repented and asked forgiviness and as time passed I regained the love and trust of my sister and now we do everything for eachother, protecting and helping. My mother passed away due to covid in dec last year (Will always be the best person God put in my life and my best friend) and tomorrow is ver birthday. She teached me how to live this live, about good and helped me be the person I am today. Some time later I got diagnosed with ocd by my psychiatrist and he prescribed me meds to help with the intrusive thoughts, one of them being sertraline. After a long time of treatment, the pocd intrusive thoughts lowered, giving place now to my real event ocd. One thing that helped me a lot was somewhat exposing myself to movies, news and things like that that could distress me with pocd and without noticing, I started to care less about the thoughts and "almost" doesnt bother me anymore. Now what tries to take my peace away is real event ocd. I am not going to be desperate about my pc and things like that, like before I did. And one of my concerns was because I had really bad time with watching porn. Ive been fighting the urge to see It, even more now. I really Just want to be in peace. I think I am going to diaappear from the nocd app for some time, mainly now that I really exposed my history here for real another time because I scared of my thoughts again and scared again that I am a horrible person. Sorry for everything. Hope everyone be ok and safe, yall have a nice day <3

Hopeful8

Date posted: 4y

Same. Can you relate to things being signs or proof or like even a gut feeling that validates ur ocd obsession ?

Heello

Date posted: 4y

Yes, that happens too. I remember one day that I had a lot of intrusive thoughts and as I turned the tv on, Ive saw some news that distressed me, this also happened with looking for twitch trends and things like that. It can almost make us believe like "its a sign". I discover that this can happen because as we are obsessed to something we will be hyperaware of things related, so much that looks like we are kind of in a constant vigilant mode.

Hopeful8

Date posted: 4y

@Heello Yes exactly but how do we know it's not real?????

Heello

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous ocd will make us doubt about this and as far as I know we should accept the uncertainty of this. Kind of like: It can be or not real, I dont care. This was an exemple, like erp, but I sugest looking for better advice, as I am in this walk too.

ricktherocker

Date posted: 4y

It took a lot of compromise with my self to reach a balance where I could coexist with my dosorders

Hopeful8

Date posted: 4y

I understand thanks pal just makes no sense because how can I not pay attention to a thought that may put me in serious harm if it's true

ricktherocker

Date posted: 4y

More often than not , the intrusive thoughts are not real , these generate the fears they feed on , amplifying into a real event senario . Dissociation from the intrusive thoughts helped me leesen the impact ,dealing with the guilt shame anger remorse of acting out ( the browser history , etc ) will reduce the fear , accepting that may help

Hopeful8

Date posted: 4y

What's the browser history mean? Also how did you dissociate ?

ricktherocker

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous By browser history I mean any activity on porn sites you felt embarrassment about . Disassociation is when the thoughts come , you don't claim them , let them pass , do not dwell in them , as they come I would say to myself I do not accept this , this may go sounds corny but helped me through many times

Heello

Date posted: 4y

@ricktherocker That is what I am trying to do too. If I fall into ocd trap I will ruminate so much that often or I end extremely hopeless or suicidal. Interesting though, while watching a podcast of a famous pastor where I live who was acused by his ex wife of r*ping his own son (that turned out to be a false acusation), he said that one of the many violance he suffered, one time where he were at a mental hospital (against his will), he suffered gaslighting torture, that was used to try to make he believe in many lies they told and even doubt and forget his true self. And looking to ocd, seems like the same, but we are our own enemy, torturing ourself in such an horrible way.

ricktherocker

Date posted: 4y

I agree , the self is at war with self it feels like sometimes .

ricktherocker

Date posted: 4y

suicide solves nothing .

ricktherocker

Date posted: 4y

self infliction , cutting , all that does nothing

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