Smfh. I hate how my ocd always has to interfere with my sexual thoughts of women smfh. My ocd just does not like me being able to think about sex with women smfh. It will do anything in its power to mix it up smfh. I could be thinking about sex with a girl and it will start to make me think of something else like a person, an object, an animal anything to stop me from thinking about sex with a women smfh. Like it’s not my fault. I just get anxiety about it and it keeps me having an arousal feeling cuz it’ll mix up the sexual thought of a chick smfh. I’m sorry but I can’t help it smfh.

I’m not actually trying to. My mind just went there. I know when I do it’s a compulsion so I don’t. My mind just started to think about it and then it tried to think about a conversation with a chick that got me to think of a dog and then the image of the dog kind of got mixed in with the thought of the chick and it paused me but I just noticed it and moved on from it. It affects my arousal feeling tremendously cuz now it’s like I can’t just purposely think about a chick I have to sit with the feeling of discomfort of what happened and move on from it knowing it’s going to cause a disruption if I’m being purposely triggered just saying.

@Issac11 Yeah sometimes it can be automatic. Our brains are so used to having a particular thought so it’s going to take a while for it to go back to normal. I for one don’t know if I still have my sexuality intact bc fantasising about the gender I’m attracted to no longer gives me any pleasure but I’m willing to let time take its course. But I relate to everything you said up there!

@Anonymoussssss Yeah it’s tough. Dealing with hocd makes it a lot tougher. I can’t purposely think about sex with a girl to prove that I’m straight cuz it’s a compulsion but on top of dealing with hocd I have anxiety that when the off chance my mind starts to think about sex with a girl or just think about a girl I could get an intrusive thought pop up to where it could mix in with the thought of the women I was just thinking about. I know that it may or may not happen and I can’t prepare for it it just may or may not happen and if it does then how I react to it is what’s more important and does it cause a disturbance in my sexual arousal yes it does but I’m going to sit with it and not let it affect me from moving forward. I just get so angry when I’m being purposely triggered cuz I’m like I just had an intrusive thought I can’t do what I’m being purposely triggered to do right now unfortunately. I have to subtly go about my day knowing I had an intrusive thought. If i happen to go out and about and see a pretty girl I will smile knowing I may feel anxiety cuz of the intrusive thought I had earlier but I will smile and let whatever thought pop up pop up. I apologize if what I’m going through not only affects me and other people too but it is what it is for me and I can only go about my day the best that I can knowing this intrusive thought affected my sexual thought of a women and may or may not have a ripple affect on other people around me.

@Issac11 Well we just have to carry on with life like everyone else’s as you mentioned. Are you in therapy?

@Anonymoussssss No. There’s nothing really a therapist can tell me or do for me. I would just be going as a compulsion. It’s not like there is some special technique that they can teach me. Only way a therapist can help is to maybe identify what mental compulsion I’m engaging in or physical compulsion but that’s about it.

@Issac11 It seems to me like you’ve already accepted that this will be your life. Life doesn’t have to be like this. There’s help out there.

@Anonymoussssss No but something that Debbie said about in the live yesterday made me actually think that it’s ok to feel ashamed and depressed and to feel like shit cuz this is what my disorder makes me feel. I already know all the tools of erp and yeah I could go back to figure out what’s in my heart and what I want in life again but it would be a compulsion. Cuz I asked my previous therapist at the time if we can go over what I truly want in life but she didn’t want to do it again and I don’t blame her cuz it’s like why do I need a reminder? I mean if I’m being honest with myself I actually kind of do need a reminder of what exactly is it that I’m fighting for? What exactly am I fearful of? Right now I just spend my days watching tv sometimes, or listening to music sometimes, or just laying in my bed and not doing nothing at all, I’ve been taking the time to meditate everyday but that’s about it. There’s not really an exposure I can do to alleviate the arousal feeling I’m feeling. I mean a therapist would just tell to take meds for it but I already know the outcome. I can’t actually do a full blown exposure to alleviate my thoughts. I can’t meet with any ocd specialist near me or on NOCD cuz one none of them near me would want to meet with me again so there’s that. When I went with an NOCD therapist she honestly didn’t know what to do for me so I was like if there’s nothing you can do for me I’m not going to keep seeing her and wasting my money just to talk with her. I mean honestly I can go and see a therapist tell them what thoughts pop up and what gives me anxiety and what? I already go and face my fears not for that long but still face my fears. I went to a Starbucks earlier. There was a gay guy I had to talk to to take my order it triggered me a little bit but not enough to think I’m gay. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to a women to deal with the thoughts that pop up when I interact with a girl so not much I can do about that. I didn’t go workout cuz I only had like 4 hrs of sleep and didn’t feel like going. So there’s not really much I can do. I could’ve gone to a bar to maybe challenge myself but I didn’t feel like eating any bar food today. I can’t really work on my ocd. There’s so much to work on for hocd. All I would have to do is rewatch an old boxing match that interests me and watch the hocd thoughts come and go while I’m trying to watch a match or watch ESPN and see all the gay thoughts come and go. There’s not much erp I can do for the thoughts that pop up when I see a girl so I’m limited there.

@Issac11 How long have you been struggling with HOCD?

@Anonymoussssss 7 years.

@Issac11 Wow that’s a lot. Must have really taken a toll on you. I’m so sorry

@Anonymoussssss It has. The last 4 years of it has made it really tough. I’ve only known to have hocd for a little less than 4 years smh. I’ve only known or suspected I’d had a mental disorder for a little less than 6 years smh.

@Issac11 You had ocd since childhood?

@Anonymoussssss I was told by a therapist that I was born with it just unaware of it.

@Issac11 Interesting