Guys I feel like I'm on the verge of figuring out this is just denial even though deep down I know it's not. Like I know I don't want to be with a woman and know I wouldn't be able to be in love with one, but it's just starting to feel so true that it feels like it's time to just admit to myself that I am bisexual. I've tried even telling myself I am and there's no anxiety, but it just feels wrong. What am I supposed to do?

This message was honestly so nice. It's just sometimes so hard to rememeber it's OCD as it just feels so convincing at times. I've actually been getting better but for some reasons yesterday and today have just been super hard again. The thing is I can't get therapy on NOCD since I'm in Germany, and I really don't know how to practice ERP ob my own. It said I should upload pictures of people I find attractive, but the false attraction is the only thing I'm really good at dealing with it's more when I think about emotional connections and loving a woman and just in general being together with one where I get super bothered, so I'm just really confused on how to practice ERP. Or is that irrelevant and it's just about getting used to looking at women again without feeling the need to question everything? But either way thanks so much for this message, I honestly this morning just wanted to give up and sometimes it's difficult to stay strong. It's so mentally exhausting.

@ewaedb Absolutely. That’s the cycle, it’ll get much better and then something will trigger it, and you’ll feel the boat start to tip, and then you’re back at square one. I never got OCD therapy! It’s strongly advised, but personally - that wasn’t an option for me. I’m a student, and have not got the funds for that. Yeah, it’s totally dependent on what you find triggering. You have to make a heirarchy that fits your own personal fears - the app will make generalisations based on what people tend to find triggering, but that’s going to be different for each person despite there being overlap. But, before getting into all of the complex ERP stuff, recovery starts with ditching compulsions. That in itself is a method of ERP. You encounter triggers typically every day with OCD, and in those moments, not running to compulsions for relief is gonna improve your condition!! And yeah, it is extremely mentally exhausting so remember to be compassionate for yourself, and be proud of how hard you’re trying. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you.

@fuchsia<3 Can you shed some insight on what you did for ERP? Ditching the compulsions has actually gone really well except for these two past days, but I understand that recovery isn't linear so it's to be expected. And same with me I'm a student so it's also not that easy for me. The support you've just given me is really motivating me to carry on, thank you!

@ewaedb Yeah absolutely! For me, it was a lot of things - but mainly, every time I felt the urge to ‘check’, I’d stop myself - I created a pattern of recognising when a compulsion was about to happen, and stopping it before it did. Every time my OCD told me to do anything (and that’s a whole list of things: check if I’m sexually attracted to someone, imagine same-sex scenarios to see how I would respond, etc) I would stop. I just quite it. It didn’t serve me and despite their being some relief on the odd occasion, it was perpetuating my misery. And a lot of the time, groinals and other ‘positive’ reactions would make me feel like it was true - so they were not worth it overall. If your experience doesn’t look similar to mine, THATS OKAY! I remember feeling as though I must be the odd one out in the community, who thinks they have HOCD, but are actually in denial. And comparison is so pointless with OCD, things may be similar but they will almost never be identical!

@fuchsia<3 Yeah I get exactly what you mean, but to be honest now that you explained it a bit I have INCREDIBLY similar experiences with checking. And yeah I was actually doing the exact same before and feeling infinitely better, it's just these past two days have become super rough. But it's really good to hear that I was on a good road to recovery. Thank you for all your help! It means so much.

@ewaedb Hi, I relate so much to you both! I am from Germany as well, dealing with HOCD and ROCD and the situation with getting therapy for OCD here, especially the less know themes of pure o, is sooo bad even though technically you can get therapy for free due to our health care system. Additionally, most therapists are full for the next few years and can't offer you a spot, that's why I never went to therapy either even though I tried. I am doing pretty well now though thanks to all the great self-help stuff out there in English. I can recommend Ali Greymond, the mindfulness workbook for ocd and the podcasts fearcast, the OCD stories and the OCD and anxiety podcast. I still experience setbacks where I feel I am back to square one and question everything all over again, but they are not so frequent any more and don't last as long. I often observe that I obsess a lot about everyday life stuff as well and need to practice ERP with that as well. The problem is that I have to let go of the wish of being totally, 100% sure about my orientation and the integrity of my relationship. There are times when I feel at ease with not knowing what's going to happen in the future, but on other days the same thing makes me worry again. I also struggle more with themes like emotional connections, attractions, romantic feelings or admiration, the question if I could be in love with a woman even when I am pretty sure I would not like to sleep with one. What I find interesting reading about the different experiences here is that while the triggers are very different and individual for us, the questions or conclusions OCD turns them into in our head are pretty much the same. Like the fear of being in denial or lying to yourself or not being who you think you are. These sentences are always very similar, also when you look at other themes . Hang in there, you can get very far by yourself! You already did. Setbacks are very common, also in recovery and dependent on a lot of external factors like stress, change or pms. It doesn't mean that you are back to square one. Just keep going and don't beat yourself up!