It’s been about two months now and I’m really struggling with HOCD. It’s making me feel like I don’t love my boyfriend and my attraction to men has been a lie. But I KNOW I love my boyfriend and that I’m attracted to him. HOCD is so powerful that I feel like it’s making me not feel anything anymore for him, is that possible? It makes me so upset because before this I was so happy and so in love with him. It’s like I know deep inside I love him but everything feels extremely numb. But when we’re together the thoughts are low and I’m happy but once I’m alone I’m a mess and all the thoughts are back.

@lerf @workingonb Hey guys. I don’t want to reassure you because it offers temporary relief but i just want you guys to know that yes, you WILL get through this. I had HOCD a couple months ago and it was triggered by a dream i had ,and for the first week I didn’t even know it was Ocd until i literally searched up what I was feeling on YouTube and a video by Chrissie Hodges came up. She literally described everything I was going through PERFECTLY and my thoughts finally started to make sense and I went through more of her videos which helped me to fight my intrusive thoughts and resist my reassurance compulsions. HOCD is AWFUL. Sometimes I found it so easy to deal with but there were days where my stomach felt so upset from my anxiety and I wasn’t able to eat and all I did was sleep to get rid of the feeling but I woke up with an even more upset stomach. I was constantly complaining about what I was going through to my friends and It literally felt like it was the end of the world for me. I reached a point where I just wanted to end it. But time IS the best healer. Even though I have not been OFFICIALLY diagnosed by a therapist (which sometimes triggers me and makes me anxious because I doubt myself), all my symptoms show that I have OCD and I have finally accepted that my thoughts do NOT define me. They are only thoughts. 40,000 thoughts pass through a person’s head a day. Most people laugh and ignore distressing and intrusive thoughts but because we have an illness (OCD) we attach meaning to it and doubt ourselves which is what causes these compulsions and anxiety. Your attraction to men is not a lie. I felt like that for a while but I realised my attraction was always there but I was too busy constantly worried about being lesbian that everything else felt like a lie. If you can, order a mindfulness OCD book from amazon and try to help yourself. I know how you feel, I’ve been there. Like I said before, time is the best healer. You’ll look back at this theme of OCD and just laugh it off one day. Right now I struggle with a little bit POCD and I can say that it’s much scarier and anxiety inducing than HOCD. It’s gotten to the point where I want to have HOCD again so I won’t have to deal with POCD. But every subtype of ocd is difficult and seems like the worst when you’re going through it. I really wish you guys the best of luck and if you have questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

@pinkscdz Wow. Thank you so much, I just feel so hopeless which I’m sure you felt as well. What mindfulness ocd book have you used? Now is everything back to normal since you no longer struggle with HCOD?

Chrissie Hodges is like a life saver in a way.

I feel you I’ve been with my boyfriend for over two years And my Hocd just came back I feel so guilty about it all:(

@pinkscdz I love Chrisse Hodges she’s so informative about Hocd! I really recommend her to anyone going through this she explained it so well.

This is me to a T, you're not alone!

Yep

@lerf do you feel the same way? Like you can’t feel anything towards your boyfriend? Also, have you told him about this?

@workingonb yes I have felt numb about our relationship but I know looking back that I was in love with him. I haven’t told him yet I don’t really know how to.

@lerf right before this hit me I was happy and sure I was in love and now I’m scared. I went through this 6 years ago when I was in a different relationship and it went away. But now I’m scared it has to be real if it came back... but you said your HOCD came back so you’ve been through this before too? I also don’t know how to bring it up to my boyfriend either

@workingonb same thing happened to me about three years ago and I just couldn’t get the idea out of my head it finally went away and just came back recently. I just have to believe that it all go away again like it did.

@lerf how long have you been experiencing it?

@workingonb The first time I experienced it it was about two months and the thoughts of been here for a week now

@lerf do you remember what you did to recover from it the first time? Sorry for so many questions I’m trying to understand how someone else deals with it as well

@workingonb You’re totally OK. I got a boyfriend which really helped at the time so now it’s different I know the thoughts will go away but they’re just so annoying!