having a hard time right now. i feel like i deserve the worst. usually with my ocd, it's future based thinking. i can deal with that. the future's not real. only now is real. but i can't wrap my head around forgiving myself. when something is real and tangible. something that i've actually done. something i haven't confessed for. the consequences only waiting to happen. how farfetched is it for me to think the worst of myself? i worry that this isn't ocd. i've had other themes but i can't get past this one no matter how hard i try. i was doing good. but i feel like i'm stuck. it's not a "what if" anymore - it's a "this actually happened" and a "you're a terrible person" kind of a thing. anyone else? not looking for reassurance here. just hoping to not be alone

For me personally I’ve noticed the internal dialogue about being a bad person is another form of rumination. I think it’s good to bring these things up when you’re able to your therapist. It could be helpful to try and write a story about the memory and read it over and over for 40 minutes a day. Watch how and when the anxiety peaks and when it drops. Eventually you will habituate to the memory and your response to it will change. I’ve learned that it isn’t the actual memory or action that is the problem, but my response to it that is the problem. My anxiety around the grey areas of life. OCD wants black and white thinking, but in reality everyone makes mistakes and there are no completely good or completely bad people.

This is a common issue in my OCD. Sometimes I have random memories come up about things I’ve said or done and they are accompanied by severe anxiety. My ocd tells me terrible things about myself and then I feel the need to confess these “bad actions” to everyone in my life to gauge how terrible I am. If you’re not careful the confession will lead to severe compulsions where you cannot do anything without confession and reassurance. It’s “real event OCD” and “moral Scrupulosity “.

You aren’t alone. My experiences may differ, but I know what it’s like to get STUCK, and I know how consuming and soul-wrenching it is to even have the OCD voice say, “you’re a terrible person.” Maybe this answer will help quiet that a little, maybe it won’t, but terrible people don’t usually beat themselves up worrying that they are terrible. Strength and comfort your way. 💪🏼💜