I wanted to ask if there are some pocd stories I can read somewhere? I want to see if I can relate to others.

So I've posted about PedoOCD here before. ITS SO DUMB! I'm a little shaky about some thoughts. I have been worried for over a week about a thought that triggered my past POCD. I had a thought saying "I wonder what CP is like?". I was nearly instantly mortified. I can't even visualize that stuff much less watch it! I had been talking with some people about child molesters earlier that day so it was in my mind. Was this real desire? Real curiosity I needed to fulfill? Is this who I'm going to become? I felt like I was preparing myself to become a monster. I could visualize being taken away by the authorities for being a pedo and telling my wife I loved her for the last time. Then I have been feeling like the idea isn't as disgusting and scary as it was a week ago. This concerned me. Why am I not as ill over it as I have been? Why am I not so scared now? Am I falling into accepting my downfall? I've read into the legal jargon and pedos they went hard and/or easy on. I don't think I was comforted by that but it's like my brain is looking for legal avenues for my turn to the dark side and watching kids I don't find attractive be sexual. What the hell? Then I had thoughts last night like "Well is it even wrong? Kids are sexual as teenagers...high school...whatever....if they are over a certain age it's not the worst thing". All this type of rumination. It's like my morality is just sliding away. But if that's true why am I shaking with anxiety? Why couldn't I hardly sleep last night? What IS THIS?! I'm a happily married man of 12 years! I quit porn/lust after other women voluntarily several months ago cold turkey. I'm very careful with my thoughts that aren't honorable to my wife. I'm fine with that! I love her and want to be the best man I can be. I've also been cutting some serious weight. I'm just so scared. What is happening? Why this after so many years of downright fear of being anything like this type of person? I don't want to see this stuff! Adult women are just fine! I think this is normal but doesn't change how anxious I feel. I think my brain is trying to lessen the offense to lessen the pain even though I've done NOTHING and want to do NOTHING. Geez o Pete.