stop.
- Date posted
- 4y
lola2214lola2214
- Date posted
- 4y
https://conscious-transitions.com/the-gay-spike/ get to the root of the fear
lola2214lola2214
- Date posted
- 4y
@stop. Not just that article but her entire approach is that anxiety/intrusive thoughts are just a representation/flare ups from something unresolved inside of ourself. It’s a lot of work but excavating the deeper issues in your need for certainty as it’s just a cover for something else going on….https://conscious-transitions.com/the-architecture-of-anxiety-and-intrusive-thoughts/
stop.stop.
- Date posted
- 4y
@lola2214 I understand. I have a lot of unresolved issues, but with that being said I don’t know which problems related to my so ocd and I still have that little voice that’s like “you’re just homophobic”
stop.stop.
- Date posted
- 4y
@stop. Maybe it’s perfectionism? I feel like everything had to be perfect or consistent so the idea of not being consistent or 100% is scary. Idk.
hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 4y
@stop. I know for me my underlying fear is not trusting myself and extensive abuse. I was never in control of my surroundings as a kid, and the one thing I had was myself. Self preservation was my go to. I knew who i was and never questioned it. I had existential ocd as a kid and contamination ocd (fear of contracting illnesses). This was never something i even wondering about and I knew what being gay was since i was 7. I literally remember watching a movie with my dad and two girls kissed and I went “that’s gay” but didnt feel anything. I literally walked out and was just like “okay.” I always liked guys as a child, only saw them as romantic interest. My hocd has freaked out that maybe i couldnt see women as an option, but girls who were lesbian or bi saw the opposite. I only ever liked boys romantically and saw girls as sisters. As i grew up, sex was a very hard thing for me, as I was sexually assaulted at the age of 9 for an entire year before I got out. And at 12, about 8 months before this hit, I told my grandparents and parents i think im starting to like guys more. Then this hit. And the rest has bene history. And the reason it scares me so much is that now i dont even feel like i can trust myself. And i was further abused by 2 different men (not sexual again) and it destroyed me. So idk why my ocd fixated on this. Im scared its cause im truly a lesbian. But idk it just has.
stop.stop.
- Date posted
- 4y
@hate_ocd.123 I’m so sorry all that happened to you, but what you said is making more sense to me in regards to having unhealed parts of ourselves. Idk it’s just that that article was more in the context of relationship anxiety and I don’t have one so I couldn’t relate or understand, but now I do. I’m a very hypersensitive person. I’ve had GAD since I was 3 and I have self soothing anxiety behaviors like excessive scratching. I still have scars on my legs from doing it. I also struggled with contamination OCD as a child. My parents are tough old school people who did not know how to raise a hypersensitive child with anxiety. It resulted in a lot of emotional abuse on their part as well as some narcissism from my mom. I cried a lot. Got bullied. Never got the emotional support I needed for it. I grew up with addicts. My grandfather being an alcoholic, my mom smoking cigarettes, and distant family doing alcohol, drugs, whatever. I do not have good memories with them. I was also exposed to a lot of sexual stuff as a kid. My parents weren’t the type to play censored music or not let me watch mtv. I definitely shouldn’t have been watching mtv music videos at like 7. Despite that, I wasn’t really properly introduced to human sexuality either so there was a lot I didn’t understand sex despite having it shoved in my face. I was quite boy crazy growing up. I had my first crush in kindergarten I think. Never liked girls that way. I’m a huge daydreamer and I’d always daydream different scenarios. Some of which were music videos and being someone who grew up watching rap videos many of my made up videos involved twerking and whatever I saw on tv. I wasn’t attracted to it, but I admired it in a way. Like I thought it was cool that people could move their body that way and sometimes I thought it was funny/entertaining. I’m also a dancer so many of my made up dance scenarios involved sexual hip hop stuff and I admired it from a dancers pov. I never even really thought anything of it until I was 14. This kid at my middle school was very mean and homophobic. I was so scared of him. I remember holding hands with one of my friends on a field trip just platonically and he teased us about it. It wasn’t too long after that I had that first thought of “if I think about xyz, then does that mean I’m gay” it was scary because the thought of maybe being gay meant going to school to get bullied by this kid and I guess that’s where it all started for me. Around 16 I had learned more about sexuality being in a spectrum and it’s like everything clicked. I could still be straight but have behaviors/feelings that aren’t consistent with that. My OCD melted away after that. Then it came back. It turned into “what if I’m not where I thought I was on the spectrum” “maybe it’s more than just incidental behaviors what if I actually like women and I’m bi” it just completely backfired. Now I struggle to accept that uncertainty again. I want my OCD to melt away like it did the first time, but it won’t because now it scares me. My OCD knows what beats it and now it won’t let me use it. Then it just gets all complicated with the homophobia and what if I’m just a hateful person underneath all of this and it sucks.
hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey you’re not alone! I have felt the exact same way as you! One of my best friends is bi and my lil bro gay and I was so scared I was secretly homophobic. The best thing we can do is except uncertainty :( i hate it too Im always sad and depressed now
stop.stop.
- Date posted
- 4y
Most of my friends are in the alphabet mafia lol. I feel like I don’t deserve them.
Related posts
Lost in the ...
- Date posted
- 23w
Lost
I cant afford therapy which is why i’m not diagnosed with ocd. The first time i had heard what ocd was truly abt was 6 years ago when i overthinking my sexual identity and it fit. Additionally, i struggle with debilitating health anxiety and when i was in a rlt i was extremely anxious that i might not love my partner. This is the third year i experience distress around my sexuality but this year it feels real. And it could also explain my rlt anxiety. Comphet is a concept that really scares me. I dont want to be with a girl. I would rather die than discover i was lesbian. I cant accept uncertainty cz i dont want to be homosexual. Chat GPT told me it wasnt ocd + the thoughts dont distress me anymore. I experience 3 intense weeks of anxiety prior to now. Maybe its internalized homophobia. Maybe its comphet. I do find women to be attractive but i dont wanna be with them. Maybe i’m in denial. Idk anything anymore. I’m remembering times where i would find an actress attractive and try to shift my focus towards the man cz it would make me anxious. I’m not well at all.
wewillgetthr...
- Date posted
- 21w
Some things that are making me feel alone
Here are some things that make me feel alone and isolated in my journey with sexual orientation OCD: 1. This feels like a complete identity crisis. I think that is what makes it so hard. It seems to go against everything I believe myself to be and who I always have identified as. 2. My compulsions, thoughts, triggers, and everything else that comes along with this disease feels and seems like I’m the only one that struggles with those things. My thoughts and images in my head often seems so real that it can only be me in denial. 3. Because this sub type of OCD is so sexual in nature, it has made my sex life with my husband, a really hard situation. Because I always get afraid and sex that I will think of these thoughts, I subconsciously then think of those thoughts, and if I have any type of feeling associated with those thoughts, it feels like proof that those thoughts are real and that makes it even harder. 4. Because a lot of the pleasure that comes with sex is on hot for me while I’m figuring out in this journey with OCD, my mind has convinced me that it is because I will only feel those things if I were with someone at the same sex (I am a straight female. I have a fear of being homosexual.). Well, all those things have made it really hard for me to function daily, I am doing a lot better at finding ways to combat those. I wanted to offer some of the things that I find that help me move past these thoughts and while it’s not always a perfect fix, it’s really helped. 1. I tried to remind myself daily that while love is a feeling it’s also choice. I have to remind myself to get up every single day and choose my husband not because I always feel like choosing him because that is who I choose. That is who I want. That is who I want to grow a relationship with to have a child with Thus why I always don’t feel that love, I always choose it. And while this can be really hard because just society as a whole has made us have these unrealistic ideas about what love is and made us think that love is just this huge with butterflies and sparks, it’s not always that. 2. I try to remind myself that these are just thoughts. And thoughts are not who I am. I don’t have to become the thoughts. I’m not a bad person for thinking of thoughts, and I don’t have to believe the thoughts. 3. When I get, like I often do, groinal responses to the things that I am thinking or seeing in my mind I just remind myself that those are responses to the anxiety I have. I’m not thinking those because I want to think those, but it’s in a response too The fear that I will think those and that I will get that response and then in turn I get the response. 4. I tried to remind myself that this isn’t a fear of coming out like if I was gay, this is a fear associated with a thought that I would be because that’s not who I am. If I really was gay, I would like the thought I would like the pleasure and I would be afraid of coming out. But in this situation, I don’t want any of the thoughts not because I’m afraid of coming out of this because it’s not who I am. If that makes sense.
Anonymous
- Date posted
- 13w
Maybe it is OCD (please say anything)
I have no idea anymore. I guess this all started with me worrying about whether I was gay, then whether I was a P, then worried about being just attracted to teenagers. After that I started freaking out about not feeling “grown up” enough. Like “I’m an adult wtf is wrong with me for seeing someone who is probably younger and thinking they’re physically attractive. Then I started overthinking not finding older adults (like 30 or 40) very attractive. Like ofc I’m probably not gonna find them attractive, they’re not anywhere close my age. Maybe the desires are half real. Maybe as a 21 yr old young adult I do find older teenagers (16+) somewhat physically attractive. I still think it’d be weird to date one. Maybe that’s the normal reaction I’m supposed to have. If not, please let me know. I just don’t wanna do anything illegal one day and I’m super scared I will. I can’t tell if the fear is my just being afraid of the law though, in which case I might actually just be a bad person. I hate that my brain is just rationalizing thoughts now. I feel like I can’t do the ERP thing of “just accept that the thoughts are there but don’t engage.” Like what? How can I just think a thought that might be so integral to my identity and just ignore it? If it’s all true and I don’t like people my age anymore then I have to know and plan around that, that could change my entire life. I’m rambling, my b.
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