hey can i talk to anyone? it might be a bit tmi but idk what to do

hey thank you for replying. i just want to ask for your permission first because it might be a bit graphic/inappropriate. so if you don't feel comfortable you can say so

@Nour04 yeah it’s okay you can talk to me about whatever you want!

@sb12367 so yesterday i was scrolling through twitter and a video of a trans man popped up. he was playing with his genitalia(female genitalia). i didn't scroll because i wanted to check amd see if i like it. now it's haunting me, i keep on thinking about it. the scariest part is that i have no reaction to it, no disgust, which makes me feel like i like it. plus, whenever i try to close my eyes to see if i like it i get no reaction either, which feels like fantasizing rather than checking. now i am so scared i actually like it and want it because i don't feel disgusted by it but i just don't like it. i am so scared because what if it's denial? what if i wanted that? what if i do indeed like it??

@Nour04 i’m sorry:( remember ocd likes to twist and manipulate your thoughts. ocd will also convince you that you like and want your thoughts. i know how frustrating it is my advice is to sit with the discomfort and uncertainty of your thoughts. thoughts are just thoughts they don’t mean shit. ocd is just trying to pick at you and try to get you to dig deeper into your thoughts and make you question. some other advice is to try not to check as much and maybe block accounts like that or don’t look up that stuff or if you see something that might trigger you click out of it right away. do you go to therapy may i ask?

@sb12367 no i don't. it's frustrating when there's no anxiety or panic because what if it means i do like it?

@Nour04 i totally get it i barley get anxiety/panic with my thoughts anymore over time the anxiety went away which scares me but i’m doing my best with uncertainty. my advice would be to see an ocd specialist only if you can and are comfortable with doing it. it can help so much i person love therapy and it has helped me a lot!

@sb12367 i am so scared to ask my parents for therapy because i opened up about it to my mom and she said hurtful things like "you can control your mind stop thinking about it" and "it's all in your head you're doing this to yourself" and even tried using force saying "you have one week to stop thinking about it" and when i brought up therapy to her she said "therapy will become like drugs and will brainwash you to the point where you can't live without it" i think my dad is a bit more understanding because through the first 2 weeks when it all started and it was super intense i talked to him first and he was comforting but again, i don't think he would agree either. there was a period where i was really ready to go to therapy but then felt devastated after i told my mom and now i am just scared again. i know i need it as i struggle with other stuff too but oh well :(

@Nour04 i’m so sorry. you shouldn’t be treated like that. even though you can’t get therapy you will eventually get better everything gets better with time! make sure you are doing what you can to make yourself happy. you could always talk to them again and show them videos of ocd and what it’s about and educate them so maybe they will consider letting you go to therapy!

@sb12367 thank you so much for listening to me rant😭 i really appreciate you listening to me. if you ever need anything i am here for you too!

@Nour04 of course!!! thank you❤️

are you okay?

@Nour04 I just worry that I never actually liked boys and that I never will. Like, I thought all my life that I was straight but now my attraction to the opposite gender is gone. Does it means that I am gay and never will have a boyfriend bc in reality it’s not what I want?

@strawberry ice cream it's just another symptom of ocd..loss of attraction. it's dreadful i know, and horrible too

@Nour04 I don’t know what to do, it feels like the end of the world