is there anyone here i can talk to? it might be a bit graphic but i really need help

so yesterday i was scrolling through Twitter, and then the video of a trans guy playing with his genitalia(pu$$y)popped up and i didn't scrolp because i wanted to check if i liked it but i don't think i did and now it's replaying in my mind. the thing that's worrying me is that there's no reaction to it, and when i try to check if i like it there is no response. what if i do like it? the most terrifying part is because there is no response, it feels like whenever i close my eyes to imagine it to try and check if i like it it sounds like fantasizing about it and not actually checking because there is no anxiety. i am so sorry for the graphics i am just disgusted in myself. did i not scroll because i liked it? would i do it in real life? would i like it? do i want it? and even checking doesn't bring comfort or answers.

@Nour04 right now you are spiraling, take a deep breathe. As humans we tend to do stuff and we don’t know why, once i saw a dumb meme that wasn’t funny at all and i stood there for a few seconds and just looked at it. Does it mean i like it or find it funny? no. Another thing is, stop checking. That dosent help ocd. Also if you suffer from the groinal response, recently my ocd was like “what if you get turned on by petting your cats belly.” So everytime i am by my cat my groin moves, keep in mind i’ve pet by cats belly for 7 years now and never got turned on, bodies are weird like that, you just gotta sit there wirh the anxiety my guy.

@noone800 thank you so much! it just worries me that i haven't experienced intense anxiety and panic in about 2 weeks( i was more focused on my finals, kept telling myself i jave no time to ruminate and was more panicked over those) but not panicking and having no reaction doesn't help either because it feels like i like it and want it

@Nour04 It doesn't sound like you'd like it. It sounds like you feel upset. I would just focus on things you know you like that don't bring up any conflict for you. Anything else just seems like OCD.

@Being Human it's just why don't i feel anxious about it anymore? why don't the thoughts send me spiralling like they used to? why don't i feel nauseous anymore? do i like it? have i accepted it? has it always been denial?

@Nour04 Look up the backdoor spike. A lack of anxiety is not confirmation. It’s habituation.

@pureolife it doesn't even feel like a backdoor spike because i don't feel THAT anxious about me not being anxious. no reaction anymore...

@Nour04 Do you need those answers? Or is that just more obsessive thinking? Maybe it's enough that you can choose what you do or don't do and it's not something you want to do. Focus on the things you want to do without conflict.

@Being Human what if deep down i want to but i am not letting myself? what if i lose control some day and do it?

@Nour04 Well, I don't see anything wrong with it. But it's obviously causing you anxiety. It seems like you're stuck in an obsessive thought loop of "what ifs" rather than focusing on your life now. For now it is causing conflict. If that changes in the future you will know it and get the support you need to deal with whatever happens. It doesn't sound like you're focusing on what doesn't bring you conflict. Try thinking about what you know you like. I'd also explore your fears. If you did like it, what would that mean? What is the source of anxiety and conflict for you? Maybe coming to a sense of acceptance around that would help.

@Being Human i don't want to accept it and become those thoughts. they scare me because i don't want to. my parents, family and friends are rather accepting. this is not a major problem. the problem lies within the "i don't want to"

@Nour04 Ok, that is reason enough. So what is it you want to do? What do you *know* you like to do, without question or analysis? That is what I would redirect your focus towards. All the thinking, the questioning, the analysis, the what if's, are anxiety/OCD. You can feel the difference in your body. Do the thoughts feel good in your body or angst filled? That's how you'll know if you're on track or if you need to switch directions.

@Being Human thanks a lot for taking the time to reply to all of what I've said, it was very much needed. if you ever need anything i am here for you too <3

@Nour04 You're very welcome. I hope you feel better. Know you're loved and supported no matter what happens. 💞🙏