i keep seeing people on here saying they never questioned their sexuality before and it makes me sick because i have and this is further proof that i am in denial. i questioned it though not because i liked a girl, but because i fit a lot of those stereotypes and started believing tiktoks saying stuff like "if you do this you're bi" or "if you like this you're bi" and some of them applied that's why i thought i was bi, but even then i didn't fantasize about girls and didn't feel like i was truly bi. but this makes me sick to the stomach. this doesn't feel like hocd anymore, it just feels like i am struggling with my sexuality and i hate it. i just please i don't want to like girls or be with girls please :(

i don't know what i want anymore

omg thank you infinitely! this made me feel less alone tbh because i was a tomboy and was never really boy crazy but i did have crushes (pray to God it wasn't just comphet)

@Nour04 ugh comphet is like my BIGGEST trigger. especially since i check like ALL the boxes. i always pursued boys and even though i knew what “gay” was, i never thought it was something i wanted to pursue. until OCD 🙄

@bdk this is awful i feel you. how are you???

@Nour04 actually doug pretty well! i’ve been doing ERP with a therapist on here for about two weeks now and i can tell a difference. i still have the thoughts but don’t obsess as much. what about you?

@bdk not that good, these past couple days have been awful :(

@Nour04 i’m so sorry. are you in therapy or trying any self-help techniques?

@bdk nope i am too scared that this will all turn out to be denial because it has been feeling so real lately :( like i am truly convinced that i want it and like it and i am just in denial. can ocd feel so utterly real and true??

@Nour04 ocd isn’t called the doubting disease for no reason. it feels so real bevause it has you totally convinced. to get better, you have to do the hard stuff. what got me to decide to take on therapy was this thought: would i rather feel like this for the rest of my life or go through therapy and deal with whatever happens after that? considering the second option has a possible positive outcome and the first doesnt, i went with the second.

@bdk i want to go to therapy but i can't tell my parents about this :/

@Nour04 oh, man, i understand. that can be so rough. until you feel comfortable enough seeking it out, take care of yourself and try as best you can to not give in to the thoughts. try to slowly expose yourself and keep from doing compulsions. especially reassurance seeking.

@bdk thank you so much for all the advice <3 if you ever need me i am here for you

i was just watching "hocd vs denial" video by they call me jesse and i kept on pausing to think about women to see if i find comfort but i don't know anymore, it really feels like i like it and then i was starting to tear up and felt myself spiralling because "what if i was realising i am in denial and all of it is true" and then i pressed my hand on my chest and told myself not to spiral this is just going to make things worse. the thing is i don't know if i like it or not anymore. at first i would feel nauseous whenever i picutred naked women but now it feels like all of me wants it and it all feels so true and like i truly am in denial. i just don't want to like girls

@Nour04 I know exactly what you mean, its such a horrible feeling.. but that’s exactly what ocd wants you to feel-like you dont know and cant accept that uncertainty of not knowing and its so tough but youre doing so well dealing with this. I know youve heard all this before but the only way is to let that horrible, scary feeling of not knowing sit and not fighting against it so ocd loses the control it has over you. (Im typing this right now and knowing im not following my own advice here too haha because it is so so hard and im so sorry youre going through this too..) please just know that you are never alone and you deserve to get better and you will i promise! Stay strong ❤️

@Winter thank you so much! sometimes I am able to put the thoughts aside and that makes it feel too like it's denial because i am able to bury the thoughts, "if it were really hocd i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it". it's just that even when i am able to have some calm there's always something

@Nour04 Omg i have the exact same! Then i feel guilty for not having the thoughts and “faking” the ocd which is an ocd though in itself i think. I had i guess mild(?) hocd for years but i managed to keep myself relatively distracted with schoolwork and other things and had less like bad episodes but more like constant thoughts until covid when i had no distraction and things got so much worse. I completely get what you mean, it sucks haha

@Winter omg i relate so much to the faking it part. i have been worrying so much about it being denial to an unbelievable extent i am actually starting to feel like i enjoy all of those thoughts and want them and like them. and now i can't tell because whenever i feel like i like them and say "noo i don't want to like that" or "ugh why does it feel like i like it" it reinforces the feeling of me being in denial

@Nour04 and the guilt part too for not having the thoughts!! that was me last week!!

@Nour04 Yep ive had those exact thoughts too. It will get better though, dont give up!

thank you so much for the encouragement!