- Username
- Nour04
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I questioned it once too because I thought female celebrities were very attractive and since in porn I would look at the girl. Not because I wanted to do stuff with her but because the guys in porn seem so brutal, etc. I told my bf about it but after that it just went away bc I couldn’t see myself in any kind of situation with a woman. Still haunts me tho
i don't know what i want anymore
you’re not alone!! i always knew that i found women attractive but never wanted to pursue any sort of relationship with them. i always favored female characters in tv shows or movies, and i was a tomboy all through school. i like television shows that have LGBTQ relationships spotlighted. none of this stuff really bothered me - i mean, the thought bothered me but i didn’t obsess over it - until OCD told me all of that equates to being in denial. it doesn’t. we are not our thoughts. it’s our choices that matter. hang in there ❤️
omg thank you infinitely! this made me feel less alone tbh because i was a tomboy and was never really boy crazy but i did have crushes (pray to God it wasn't just comphet)
@Nour04 ugh comphet is like my BIGGEST trigger. especially since i check like ALL the boxes. i always pursued boys and even though i knew what “gay” was, i never thought it was something i wanted to pursue. until OCD 🙄
@bdk this is awful i feel you. how are you???
@Nour04 actually doug pretty well! i’ve been doing ERP with a therapist on here for about two weeks now and i can tell a difference. i still have the thoughts but don’t obsess as much. what about you?
@bdk not that good, these past couple days have been awful :(
@Nour04 i’m so sorry. are you in therapy or trying any self-help techniques?
@bdk nope i am too scared that this will all turn out to be denial because it has been feeling so real lately :( like i am truly convinced that i want it and like it and i am just in denial. can ocd feel so utterly real and true??
@Nour04 ocd isn’t called the doubting disease for no reason. it feels so real bevause it has you totally convinced. to get better, you have to do the hard stuff. what got me to decide to take on therapy was this thought: would i rather feel like this for the rest of my life or go through therapy and deal with whatever happens after that? considering the second option has a possible positive outcome and the first doesnt, i went with the second.
@bdk i want to go to therapy but i can't tell my parents about this :/
@Nour04 oh, man, i understand. that can be so rough. until you feel comfortable enough seeking it out, take care of yourself and try as best you can to not give in to the thoughts. try to slowly expose yourself and keep from doing compulsions. especially reassurance seeking.
@bdk thank you so much for all the advice <3 if you ever need me i am here for you
Hey Nour, Just seen some of your posts but havent commented in a while, but i just wanted to let you know youre not alone. Ive had the exact same thoughts as you and literally convinced myself i must be all these things and still i always end up back in the ocd cycle.. its super hard but not asking for reassurance and trying to not engage in compulsions is the only way out of this and you will get better i promise. Hope youre okay and im here if you wanna talk :)
i was just watching "hocd vs denial" video by they call me jesse and i kept on pausing to think about women to see if i find comfort but i don't know anymore, it really feels like i like it and then i was starting to tear up and felt myself spiralling because "what if i was realising i am in denial and all of it is true" and then i pressed my hand on my chest and told myself not to spiral this is just going to make things worse. the thing is i don't know if i like it or not anymore. at first i would feel nauseous whenever i picutred naked women but now it feels like all of me wants it and it all feels so true and like i truly am in denial. i just don't want to like girls
@Nour04 I know exactly what you mean, its such a horrible feeling.. but that’s exactly what ocd wants you to feel-like you dont know and cant accept that uncertainty of not knowing and its so tough but youre doing so well dealing with this. I know youve heard all this before but the only way is to let that horrible, scary feeling of not knowing sit and not fighting against it so ocd loses the control it has over you. (Im typing this right now and knowing im not following my own advice here too haha because it is so so hard and im so sorry youre going through this too..) please just know that you are never alone and you deserve to get better and you will i promise! Stay strong ❤️
@Winter thank you so much! sometimes I am able to put the thoughts aside and that makes it feel too like it's denial because i am able to bury the thoughts, "if it were really hocd i wouldn't be able to stop thinking about it". it's just that even when i am able to have some calm there's always something
@Nour04 Omg i have the exact same! Then i feel guilty for not having the thoughts and “faking” the ocd which is an ocd though in itself i think. I had i guess mild(?) hocd for years but i managed to keep myself relatively distracted with schoolwork and other things and had less like bad episodes but more like constant thoughts until covid when i had no distraction and things got so much worse. I completely get what you mean, it sucks haha
@Winter omg i relate so much to the faking it part. i have been worrying so much about it being denial to an unbelievable extent i am actually starting to feel like i enjoy all of those thoughts and want them and like them. and now i can't tell because whenever i feel like i like them and say "noo i don't want to like that" or "ugh why does it feel like i like it" it reinforces the feeling of me being in denial
@Nour04 and the guilt part too for not having the thoughts!! that was me last week!!
@Nour04 Yep ive had those exact thoughts too. It will get better though, dont give up!
You’re not alone! Went through the same thing for years (7th grade to freshman in college) and I am now in a happy relationship (: thoughts will always come and go, but it is possible to recover!!
thank you so much for the encouragement!
I’ve struggled with believing I’m attracted to someone and constantly fixed on looking around a room trying to disprove those thoughts that I am not. Even when my body tells me I am I still constantly question if those feelings are real. Is this common?
I'm feeling awful. This simply can't be true. If I was in fact bi I'd feel good because of it, but I don't. I actually feel dread by this thought. I don't have any will in being with a woman. Today my childhood friend that I lost contact with told me she's bi. This triggered me so much, got all these images on my mind. I just want to be free from these thoughts, I don't want to keep wondering if I want to be with women, this messes me up so much. I don't want to keep asking myself if this is really hocd or denial or internalized homophobia. I can't deal with this anymore.
Please someone help me. I feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t have ocd. It’s too real. The intrusive thoughts aren’t as frequent, I don’t have anxiety or do compulsions. I’m not even against the thoughts anymore. I can’t explain how real it feels. It can’t be ocd and the thing is I just don’t want to like girls. That’s it. I just don’t want to. But that sounds like I’m resisting my sexuality and it feels like this too. I’m sorry to everyone on this app but I don’t think I’m like u anymore. If things like internalised homophobia and comphet didn’t exist then I’d know I was straight but they do so now I think I’m just that. I don’t want to marry a girl or have sex with one or anything. I want to be straight and just fucking live my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I haven’t had a crush on a boy for years even though my ‘ocd’ started in the summer. I’ve had loads of male celebrity crushes that I’ve felt like I’ve loved and I don’t understand how those could’ve been fake but they must have been. Compulsions don’t comfort me I just watch tv to distract myself and that’s it. I can’t do this shit anymore. I don’t want to like girls but I have to be either bi or lesbian. Please I just want to be straight I don’t get it.
Hi just for reference, I’m a girl, I’m almost 17 and I’ve been boy crazy for pretty much all my life. I- I don’t even know what to think anymore, I identify as straight and enjoy thinking about men sexually and emotionally, but I can also masterbate to women weirdly enough? I’ve been diagnosed with pure ocd and I have no desire to have any sexual or emotional relationships with women in real life, and I’ve had hocd for over a year now, but I can masterbate to weird things sometimes and I know I’m not supposed to but I compulsively search things up very often and from what I’ve found most people would say that it would mean that I’m bi. The idea of being bi or gay has made me hyperventilate and cry god knows how many times, at this point I wouldn’t even be angry if I was bi or gay but I know that I’m not. My head keeps telling me that since I can masterbate to gay thoughts or lesbian thoughts sometimes that it means that I’m not straight even though I have no desire to do anything even remotely close to that in real life. This is one of my worst themes of ocd so far as compared to other people who have hocd they don’t get turned on or finish thinking about these things and I do but I don’t identify as bi or gay. I just, I don’t know what to do anymore? I was hoping someone on here goes through the same thing? And I’d really rather not hear that it’s just me denying it, I have a few people I talk to and occasionally when I bring it up they just say I’m in denial so I really don’t know what to do anymore.
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