- Username
- Nour04
- Date posted
- 3y ago
No, it means your doing good in recovery
but i'm not even in therapy! and i still feel like i am in denial
Yes I also not in therapy so this could be denial
@HOCD SUFFER what do you mean? that i am in denial?????
@Nour04 No it doesn’t mean that. I also experience this, sometimes I freak out and other times it’s not so bad. It doesn’t mean you’re in denial? I am also not in therapy but I manage to handle my hocd much better than before. For me, it’s because I don’t pay attention to the thoughts
You can still recover without therapy
When I first developed this theme, I felt like a shell of myself. I was living, but internally I was just miserable, terrified, and lost. As time went on, and I found resources online that told me about ERP, and the techniques associated with that, I got a lot better, I don’t even have that theme anymore. Just because I’m better, doesn’t mean I was in denial. What commonly happens with this theme, and many others, is we use the distress and misery as EVIDENCE that we are not the thing we’re afraid of being (i.e. gay/bi). This is called the backdoor spike. I was never in therapy either, but education and growth can really help with OCD - that isn’t to say that you’re over it just yet, but you’re improving and that is a GOOD THING, don’t fear it.
So you feel normal again, like no more groinals and arousal, gosh that’s a life I’m trying to get back, I’m starting to feel better because I’ve been sitting with everything ocd throws at me to “convince me”
well exactly, lately it's been less and less anxiety, and less and less nausea, which makes it feel more real and like i actually want it and fantasize about it rather than it being checking and testing. it feels so much more real and as if i like the thoughts. at least back when i used to throw up at the image of women genitalia, i knew i didn't like it but now it's far more confusing because it feels wayyyy more real
@Nour04 Omggggggg this is my exact situation
@dylen i am so sorry we don't deserve this. are you okay do you need to vent? i am always here for you <3
@Nour04 I only really have one thing that rllllllllyyyyyyyyy bothers me, say when I’m masturbating and I’m trying to think of girls, a gay thought will pop up and I’ll feel an orgasm coming and it feels so real when it happens and the arousal feels real to like wtf
@dylen Sounds like your amygdala activated the fear response and heightened your state of arousal here if it happened super quick
@alexisrae1999 the same happens to me! i even orgasmed to it!! and sometimes i would just say "think about" , just that, not even thinking about anything just saying that makes me more aroused(?)
@Nour04 Its a good thing that the anxiety is going away! Sounds like you're experiencing a backdoor spike, you don't have to be in therapy to get better if you're doing research on how to properly do erp and combat your compulsions. If youre still concerned with your levels of attraction/arousal to any gender, that's what's holding you back. The checking. You might need to in essence "surrender" your sexuality in order to give your ocd the middle finger
@Nour04 I think its the fact that your mind definitely knows which reaction you want to whatever scenario you're imagining. You should stop the checking, maybe if you're going to masturbate you should try just focusing on the feeling and not think of anything else (something and ex boyfriend told me when he was going through what probably was scrupulosity)
@alexisrae1999 it's just so hard because the past 2 days i have felt like i am truly attracted to girls and i want that and all of it is denial and it feels SO TRUE. can it feel this real????
@Nour04 i even feel like i want and like the scenarios i imagine to check and test
@Nour04 People with hocd can feel at times that they're 100% gay, its not uncommon:) I've been dealing with this theme on and off for an extremely long time. Denial thinking is common too. This is going to sound scary, but maybe a good thing for you to do erp to is to read a story where someone actually was in denial and try your best to just read it like it were a math problem (passively). You gotta stop the compulsive checking though sis, trust me I've been there and it will leave you in this illness for years
I know you're having a tough time with it @Nour04, but I've gone through this too, I still am. But there are times my attractions come back after I stop giving in. Most of yesterday I didn't have attraction to men which is awesome it was the first time in forever! But unforunately I got overly cocky and tested with porn and got off to a guys penis and I panicked like hell. But I think of it this way, I in my life have gotten off when having sex with my past gf's much quicker when having sex in places that I wasnt supposed to. Because it made me anxious, and felt wrong, it was easier to get off. I'm sure it's very similar here.
I went to my therapist last monday and... wow I feel so good these last days. The more I talk with her about hocd, the best I feel. And the less Im thinking about this. I mean. Is still there, but it doesn't disturb me like before. I don't need to make a compulsion about it. And sometimes I have relapses and I'm going to have them in the future too because Im not perfect, but I really feel less anxiety than before. Im starting to feel like before, like who I am. Like the world is not ending and even if I am angry or frustrated sometimes because I have doubts or I don't know what is going to happen... you know, I'll be okay.
Don’t know if this is a part of ocd recovery or what but my hocd thoughts don’t give me anxiety anymore. Sometimes it feels like this tapped into my feelings. I don’t know how to explain it. Like when I get the thoughts now my mind is like “you’ve always been like that” but I feel no anxiety. I’m also regaining some attraction for the opposite sex and that feels great but at the same time my mind says I’m lying to myself and I get this weird feeling in my chest. Idk what this is.
Okay. This HOCD and denial thing is crap. Real denial is someone acting like they’re not gay when they already know. Real denial is someone reluctance to come out, not a hidden gay version of themselves that they’ve never realized is there and are wrestling with a thought telling them it is. If you have OCD, you’re simply “denying”/rejecting a lie that the ocd is telling you. Real denial is lying about something you’ve known is true.
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