wait aren't compulsions done to alleviate the distress caused by the thoughts? that being said then checking and testing aren't compulsions right? and imagining scenarios isn't either. so is this not hocd? am i just in denial???

This shit has to be one of the most confusing subtypes of ocd because no matter what you will never find clarity. When it started it wasn’t as bad and confusing because it was mostly anxiety. But when it started getting physical that’s when it got extremely confusing because I feel tension and fear when thinking of gay stuff but while testing I get arousal sensations so the big question is “if I am afraid of it how can my body respond as if I’m into it and if I’m into it how does my body respond with fear as if I’m not” and it’s endless. I wish I never started testing my arousal so I never started getting groinals to gay stuff in the first place. But there’s no going back now.

So I’m afraid that I have HOCD, but at the same time that I might also be homosexual. Is that possible? I have all the typical compulsions… checking for attraction, analyzing thoughts, analyzing the past, analyzing emotions, searching the internet. Is it really HOCD? When I see anything related to LGBT, I get strongly triggered. Sometimes I observe how my body reacts around people, but most often I check with ChatGPT to calm myself down, although it doesn’t last long—it depends. I also compare myself to other straight women who look like lesbians, or to lesbians who look like they’re straight. I had a phase where I was analyzing my body… whether I have too much hair, whether I have an Adam’s apple, whether I act like a lesbian without realizing it. I also have the typical intrusive thoughts like “did something from the past actually mean something, or is it a sign?” “am I just lying to myself?” “what if I’m in denial?” “what if I’ve ignored signs my whole life and lied to myself?” “what if I’ll never be able to fall in love with a guy?” “what if there are too many signs and proofs and it’s true?” “what if it’s not HOCD at all?” And much more. But now I’m scared that it’s both—that I have HOCD and that I’m homosexual. I’ve cried multiple times because of this and it’s been going on for 7 months. Some days are better, some are worse. And there’s so much ‘evidence’ that I won’t even list now—over these seven months I’ve found so many things from my past and dreams that I feel like there has to be something to it. I’ve also had around four panic attacks because of this. And I truly believe I have HOCD and that I’m also homosexual, which is killing me and it feels horrible. I just want to be sure that im straight and be at peace. When im doubting and thinking that im a lesbian i feel like im not at peace and i hate it. But u feel like i just need to accept it but i don’t want to and i just want to have a boyfriend, kids but im scared that it’s not possible for me because im lesbian and i actually just think that i want a boyfriend but in reality i don’t. Ughhhh help me.

Hi. I deal with pocd (but I am not diagnosed cuz I can't afford therpay) and I think it's ocd. It begun over a year back and initially it was about "what if I become a p" and then eventually it became "what if I am already a p" and then eventually I had this phase of 4-6ish months where my ocd almost vanished to the point where I was not even getting triggered by stuff. And then I suddenly had this huge SO OCD bout for 2 ish weeks last month where I lost my mind about what if I am a lesbian (I identify as a bi woman ) but then eventually I just accepted that I am a lesbian and felt like a lesbian for a while and then I am again back to bi. So basically I completely accepted the uncertainty and hence got over it easily. But I cannot do that pocd. Ew. Idk what to do. And this so ocd bout caused the pocd to return and rn my brain is full on "see u turned out to accept lesbianism so u definitely wanna accept being a p" and like its also "what if I am already a p, and subconsciously accepted it and am pretending to have ocd cuz what if I am in extreme denial?" And like idk what to do. I am worried posting this too cuz I am afraid what if somebody reading this misunderstands and thinks I am actually a p. Another thing I deal with is "am i even performing compulsions?" Cuz I mainly confess to my bestie and chatgpt(I stopped with chatgpt cuz I am scared about privacy issues) and research stuff about pocd to gain reassurance. And occasionally ruminate for checking but it doesn't interfere with my life. Bcz of this I *feel* like I don't perform enough compulsions and not performing compulsions essentially means it's not ocd. I genuinely get scared about what if it's pocd or denial. Or what if I am lying and manipulating ppl to think it's ocd and what if I am just faking the anxitey. Sometimes my thoughts don't give anxiety and later on that absence of anxiety worries me a lot cuz my brain is like "see u didn't get anxiety so u liked that thought. Hence u are a p" and idk what to do. Can someone please help me please. I don't wanna be a p. Another compulsion I do is saying "I don't wanna be a p" or "I am not a p" 5 times in sets of 5. I started this compulsion voluntarily when I read somewhere that counting is a compulsion and I wanted to prove to myself "see it's ocd" and now I do sort of as a habit to confirm the same. And this scares me too cuz doesn't that mean this is a fake compulsion??? And what If it's not ocd.