extremely long rant incoming . i don't think there's any hope for me left. i can't explain my symptoms, ocd or whatever this is has become second nature to me, i don't know what it feels to be "normal", sometimes i even forget i have ocd because all these rituals just feel so automatic and like the norm to me. i wake up taking it for granted that there's something wrong with me, or there's something i need to look out for, i assume i am a threat to everyone and must "control" myself and my environment by doing compulsions, my pocd is so fucking stupid, i woke up doing checking compulsions to ensure im not attracted to a 12 yo anime boy (killua from hxh) and i felt so paralyzed by fear, later on i was talking to my brother and he was telling me about his ex-gf and i was almost unconsciously checking for feelings of jealousy, throughout the entire interaction i was plagued by uncomfortable sensations and had to check i wasn't enjoying anything, one of my friend's 13yo brother was talking to us in our groupchat today and i had to withdraw from the conversation fearing what if i found myself attracted to him, this is literally all i do all day i would rather drink toilet water than have a meaningful interaction with a really young boy out of fear of being attracted, seriously. in the past few days ive also had 3 intrusive dreams in a row, they felt so heavy, and you know that feeling when you wake up from a dream and you think that it was all real? that's how i felt. i woke up and the first thing i felt was immense guilt and hopelessness (i remember hitting the wall out of. frustration) because i thought i had acted on my thoughts and it would take me a while to snap back to reality. i don't feel miserable or angry. i feel numb. neutral. even happy at times. not because of this, but because this is the new normal to me, and i don't understand why my brain decided this is the way i have to live now to ensure my well-being. i don't think i have a choice. i guess you could say i could spend time with my family members, talk to young boys, and ignore my ocd, but i can't take that risk. it's just too much to bare.