would an ACTUAL lesbian say they want to like men and don't want to like girls? what if i am just lying to myself when i say i don't want to like girls? because at this point it feels like my mind says something but my body says otherwise :(

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).

I feel like the thoughts and feelings are getting stronger, to the point where they feel like they are my own and that I want them and want them to happen. Recently I’ve even had feelings of ‘wanting to be gay’ and that I ‘don’t want to be straight’, or that being with a woman would be nice even though that’s literally the one thing I don’t want otherwise I wouldn’t be constantly thinking about it day after day surely and if I wanted it I would just know? I feel numb and sick and terrified that I’ll just be what I’ve feared all this time. Why does my brain do this. I feel like I’ve lost so much already, I couldn’t concentrate on university work and I’ve had to delay my degree for a year, I’ve lost my purpose, and I feel so ashamed that I can’t tell anyone the real reason for it (I just told everyone the course was too much stress and was causing me anxiety) and it just feels like it’s getting worse to the point that it’s actually coming true, and I’m going to have to leave my boyfriend because I can’t be with him anymore. Why do the thoughts sometimes feel good? Why does it feel like real attraction? Why why why does it feel like DISAPPOINTMENT with the idea of never being with a woman wtf this is literally what I don’t want and never have? Even just writing that out my brain is telling me ‘it is’ and ‘I’m lying’ and I just can’t even believe myself anymore. I’ve tried telling myself the whole maybe maybe not but it just doesn’t work. It feels like if I accept I like woman I’ll want to be with one and leave him. Why does the idea of being with a man not fill me with excitement like it used to why do labels terrify me I genuinely just want to give up I still haven’t even told anyone about this cause I just feel like they won’t understand and that they will just think I’m struggling with my sexuality and the worst thing is I don’t even know what I want anymore cause of the thoughts and feelings I don’t know what to believe what if I am actually just struggling with my sexuality cause nothing feels right anymore

I feel like I just have to be lesbian because I keep running away from men when they like me back. Like I’m using my avoidance and intimacy issues as an excuse. It all feels so real. I really don’t want to be lesbian but it feels like I have to be and it would make sense and I would be happier with a woman. Why do I feel like this.